Fire Fiasco

Jason and I are residents of Colorado, USA. The land in this state has been turning an ugly charred color lately... See, our winter was way under budget in terms of wet stuff falling from the sky, so now a walk through the park is like a walk on the surface of a giant saltine. Why am I telling you this? Well, I'm just hoping somebody reading this lives in London or Seattle and has access to a ridiculously large fan such that they could blow some of their rain our way. Otherwise, if you have rain, please collect it in many small buckets and mail it to the Colorado State Government. We need your help. Thank you.

The March of War

As you already know, the Reality Syndicate is a shining light of virtue in world of profoundly evil darkness. Did you know, however, that the Syndicate can go to war against other sites? Don't look so shocked, because all wars are, of course, completely virtuous and heroic on the Webmaster's behalf. It's simply a service performed to purge the Internet of evil. Well, In today's Guest Columns, the Minister of Propaganda, being the upbeat and jolly fellow he is, reports on Cyber War. Learn all you need to know to take responsibility as loyal citizens of the Syndicate in Cyber War is Peace.

Corporate Sponsorship!

So, "It's not April 27 yet!", you say... "What do you think you're doing?!?", you ask. "Just who do you think you are, anyway?" Well, let me tell you something, mister, this update just couldn't wait. As much as we love our good pal Steve the Formerly-Skulking Penguin, he was beginning to get pretty uncomfortable given the hot weather of late. So, we decided to give the poor little guy some vacation time during these warmer months. While Steve is off vacationing in the Swiss Alps, the Reality Syndicate presents the new Summer Mascot - ? SODA!!!

That's right, it's the soda represented by a single, non-alphabetical character! And it's now available in mysterious and confusing 6-pack form! Nobody is quite sure what ingredients go into this delicious and refreshing soft drink, but frankly we don't care, as long as the checks keep on coming. So take a look at that nifty sidebar just to your right, and admire the corporate craftsmanship of the incredibly delicious and questionably colored ? SODA!

A Foreign Correspondent!

How long did we expect it to take for the Reality Syndicate staff to stretch over an ocean? Well, we figured half the galaxy would be colonized by now, but that's beside the point. Today, we're happy to welcome our newest Syndicate Press writer, Sea Dreamer. Her new section is none other than News from Across the Pond, any and all breaking news from the British Isles. Join the remainder of the Syndicate Staff in welcoming Sea Dreamer to the ranks by enjoying her work!

Angular Edibles

In today's Syndicate Press comes the first article in a new series from our newest writer, Sea Dreamer (see above). Straight from Surrey, England, a crack team of scientists ranging from chemists to quantum physicists have cracked the secret behind sandwich geometry. Using high tech machinery that's incredibly difficult to pronounce, a distinction has finally been made between the tastes of square and triangular sandwiches. Read the full story in Science Proves Triangles Tastier than Squares.

Livin' in a Martian Paradise

Yes, that's Mars. He's a few more million miles out from the sun than Earth, but does that mean it's okay to just ignore him? In today's Syndicate Press, Syndicate writer Chris Clark delves into the fact that people celebrate Earth Day on a global level every April but Mars Day has somehow been neglected from the calendar year. Reasons are abundant for national holidays to be created to represent planets other than Earth, and some activists have already been celebrating their own Mars Day on the vast barren expanses of the red planet for years. Read the full story in A Day for Mother Mars.

Swimming with the Savior

Breaking the silence here at the Syndicate is our own Guest Columnist Charles Anderson with a headline story from the deep end of the deep south. Unless you've been living under a rock on another planet in another galaxy for the past few years, chances are you're at least somewhat familiar with the popular "What Would Jesus Do?" phrase. As Charles discovers in this breaking story, not only did that trendy and religious acronym originate with a small swim club owner in Georgia but now that very owner is claiming the acronym to be copyrighted material. It's the religious trial to end all religous trials, and you can read the full story in the Syndicate Headlines for April 23, 2002.

After Dinner Treats

It's a fine day for the Syndicate. One of our first and certainly one of our more famous Guest Columnists, Mr. Fred, has returned with a brand spankin' new article. You may remember this lovable zombie chef from his famous After Death Cuisine series. Now he's back with a look at the trend that seems to be popping up in desserts lately to use basic ingredients for flavor. From cookie dough, to flour, to raw eggs, get the whole story (including a new recipe) in Back to the Basic Ingredients.

I can safely say the recipe Fred includes for chocolate egg ice cream is fantastic. Jason and I made some and we were able to keep more than half of it down!

Finally, An Easy Solution!

Sick and tired of trying to lose weight and being expected to perform unreasonable, ridiculous tasks like "exercise" and "eating well"? Well, worry no more, because Allergenix™ is here! That's right, Allergenix™! Charles Anderson found this fantastic new magic drug and has submitted a complete report for the readers of the Syndicate to digest - pun intended!

On a side note, both Chris and I tried out some Allergenix™ just for fun - we're recovering nicely, and the doctors say the hair will grow back any day now! Take a look at this wonderful new drug!