Blorflax's Final for the Year

As 2000 draws to a close, Blorflax, green skinned alien from the Karundlian Nebula, answers some peculiar letters. This week Blorflax helps a certain Cuban Dictator (who'd prefer to remain anonymous) get capitalists to like him and advises a budding entrepreneur about identity-protection advertising strategies. Read all about it here!

Award Bestowed Upon The Reality Syndicate

True, that trophy may say "Bravery" on it, but that doesn't matter. We didn't even get any trophy. Actually, we just got accepted to a list of prestigious websites known as "The Best Humor Sites Ever." At www.besthumorsitesever.com the Reality Syndicate is considered one of the elite, by this site anyway. Now the Syndicate has it's first of many links, so look to the left side of the page!

Blorflax's Newest Hits the Syndicate

After just a week now, Blorflax, three foot tall alien overlord from beyond, answers the letters of two more confused and irritable people. This week Blorflax talks with a Canadian who is in desperate need of a business degree, and helps a six year old boy build a space station to be launched in the near future. Read it all here.

Site Suffers Confusing Mishaps

On the 15th of this month the entire site was wiped out for a few hours. We still can't determine why, but as of yet we are still trying to rebuild the Reality Syndicate. Restoration is almost complete, but there's still a little bit more work to do. In the meantime you may find some broken links or missing images. We apologize for this and we are retrieving files as quickly as we can. Thank you!

Cross Offers Advice to "Hydroholics"

So you thought water was good for you, eh? Fell for the old "tell the little kids to drink lots of water so the government can force them to unknowingly ingest tiny brain-control chips in the flouride" trick, huh? Well, no more! Take a look at Jason Cross's latest extremist movement, "Down With Water". ¡Adios, agua! ¡Hola, otro bebido!

Blorflax Advises Still More Writers

It's been two weeks since Blorflax hit the scene here at the Reality Syndicate with his first advice column. Now he has come to us with his next set of answers to fan mail. Blorflax offers advice on finding a planet to call home that's free of New Age music. He also helps someone in need of destroying the Pacific Ocean. Believe it! Read it here.

Feud Continues - Dow Jones Down 2000 Points

It doesn't look like this little scuffle is going to end soon. As the days turn into weeks this fight looks more and more like the presidential election mishaps, despite profound differences in just about every field. Kent George's proposal seems to be too little for this site creator, and I choose not to sign until it is revised and presented again. Mr. George's proposal is so insulting to me that I have been forced to drag out a picture of him from high school in which his appearance is cartoonish and yellow with huge, exaggerated features and no body (shown at right).

Chris Clark

Hatchets, Bah Humbug!

I read the proposition set forth by Mr. Kent George, and I can say only one thing... This is, after all, the Christmas season, and everyone is in a spirit of giving, caring, and understanding. I, in particular, am an especially generous person, and therefore know what is to be done.

To Hell with burying hatchets! This is WAR! You hear me, Clark? WAR!!!

Infuriatedly,

Jason Cross

P.S.: I'd still like the apples and the banana, though...

Will a Hatchet Ever be Buried?

Hello, today the site known as "The Reality Syndicate" has been overrun by political mediators from Kentucky. My name is Kent George and we Kentuckyans have decided to put an end to the strife between the creators of this fine site.

The settlement will go as follows:

• Jason receives three apples and banana
• Chris receives a brown monkey named Bow Bow
• Jason stops threatening to burn Chris's baseball cards
• Chris stops dumping formaldehyde on Jason's couch

This is the settlement that has been proposed to the site creators. Should they both agree to it, we can all put an end to this fighting and bickering. Otherwise the fighting and bickering would continue, I suppose. The offer is on the table.

Kent George, Kentucky

An Intelligent and Provocative Retort

Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Nuh-uh!!! You're the dummy head! YOU! You're so stupid, that, like, people who know you get stupider because you're so stupid! Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh! Is not! Is not! Am not! Am not! Nuh-uh! Are too, are too, are too!!!! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! Mr. Clark is a Dumb-Head! Hahahahahahahahahahaaaa... Nuh-uh! Am not! Am not! AM NOT!!! MOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!

Jason Cross

Cross Sinks Even Lower, Elevation Now Below Average

Ladies and Gentleman of the reading public, my adversary Jason Cross has insulted me thustly to the point that I must conjure up my most impressive vocabulary words to prove that I am smarter than he.

Mr. Cross delegates his fortitude in a poli-axial orientation with the Earth's ellipsoidialistic orbit about the massive collaboratized fusion reaction called by those residing in Barcelona Spain, "El Sol". He maintains extravagant tapestries despite his obvious lacking of hereditary mannerisms, leading me to believe his is no more than the equivalent of a common ring tailed lemur, native to temperate zones and the like.

As you can see, dear readers, that my use of big fancy words (many of which are made up) proves that I am smarter than Jason. He is dumb and not smart. So there.

Chris Clark

Clark's Stupidity Obvious, Cross "A Billion Times Infinity Times Better"

As you are all certainly aware (thanks to Mr. Clark's incessant yapping...), a veritable war has erupted here at the Syndicate. However, rather than stoop to the blatant low that a certain Mr. Clark stooped to yesterday in a certain General News article about a certain Mr. Cross's certain traits, I am making certain to take measures to act in an intelligent and unstupid fashion. This will certainly put an end to the conflict, for certain and for good.

As co-creator of the Reality Syndicate, I am perfectly aware that my talents far exceed those of the dummy-head, Mr. Clark. For example: a good portion (approximately 50%!) of the images on this very site were drawn, renderized, and publishated by yours truly, Mr. Jason Cross. I decided to not let this talent go completely to waste and instead turned it against my arch-rival, Mr. Clark. Shown below is the product of my creativivity:

Shown to the right in its beautifully rendered format is a recent self-portrait of me, Mr. Jason Cross. Please note the proud, tall stature and the aggressive yet gentle position of both arms and legs. My hair is perfectly trimmed, with just a touch of that characteristic "come hither" ruffling on the top. Adorning my noble visage is a pair of Mission Impossible-esque sunglasses to symbolize my coolity. Also note if you will the objects in my hands - in my right hand, a fistful of dollars, and in my left, a mighty king's scepter. Both symbolize how gooder and better I am than Mr. Clark. Like, infinity times better.

In contrast, this grim and grisly image is an accurate (albeit horrifying) representation of my good friend and bane of my existence, Mr. Chris Clark. Please note how my archenemy's hair is uncombed, standing straight up and sometimes to the side. Such is his life, unorganized and unstraightified. The arrows through his ribcage and right temple represent arrows that I would like to shoot through his ribcage and right temple. Please note, if you will, the phrases coming out of Mr. Clark's cartoonish head. No deeper explanation of his true character can be given than through these quotations. The bomb falling from above like an angel of Death is just an idea I got from watching that crazy cowboy on Dr. Strangelove. But it's cool anyway.

Since briefity is at the heart of witfulness, I shall end my analysis here. But I believe it was Jason Cross who once said:

"He who laughs first laughs a lot. But he who laughs last laughs more, unless the other person gets to laugh again, in which case the two switch places and the whole process is reversed."

I rest my case.

Jason Cross

Cross Loses Touch With Reality - Now Oblivious

Some of you readers may have read some alleged claims of Mr. Cross in yesterday's General News Brief. Rest assured that his denial of overseeing a vast inflow of gifts to the Syndicate for his greedy self is simply to cover his tracks so the British Tabloids won't jump on him. Well tabloid editors, here's a list of truths about one Jason Cross:

• He has been known to tip 13.47% on occasion instead the customary 15% or higher.
• He claims to be "American" when he was actually born in Colorado, making him a "Coloradan."
• He does not know what the acronym FSG-127 stands for.
• He brushes his teeth only once a day, despite dentist recommendations.

The public has a right to know.

Chris Clark

Scandal Erupts Within Syndicate Walls! Structure Damage Minimal!

As many of you faithful readers may have read yesterday, December 4 was, infact the birthday of me, Jason Cross. However, several accusations were presented which I deeply and sincerely resent, for example: the word "venerable": I don't really know what it means, but it reminds me of some disease. And I most certainly do not "etch marks" into walls - that would be destruction of private property, and I will simply have no part in it.

Also, a certain Mr. Clark, who will remain nameless (let's just call him "Chris"...) proceeded to imply that I was an "impatient person" and that some sort of wrongdoing would occur if presents were not promptly delivered to me. I simply do not have the patience to sit and listen to somebody call me impatient. Anyone who does will be punished accordingly.

Please, dear readers, you must understand my plight. It's all very sad and you should all feel very sorry for me. Just look at that picture above. That is an image of me reading yesterday's news column for the first time. Don't I just look sad? I'll bet you want to get me even more presents now.

Also, if you click on this link, you can take a look at a video of me reacting in the first moments of my frustration. I assure you, this was a completely spontaneous production and was no way set up for emotional effect, lighting, or plot value.

I thank you for your time. Please try to see my side of things.

Respectfully Sincere,

Jason Cross

Syndicate Creator Ages Considerably

Today venerable Syndicate co-creator Jason Cross etches another mark in the wall above his bed. These etches symbolize the number of years Jason has been on this planet. Today he scrawls his one hundredth mark, a tribute to Jason's poor counting skills. Actually he's nineteen. Well, happy birthday anyway! If you'd like to contact Jason and wish him a happy birthday, you can email him here.

Third On Site Correspondent is No Cause for Alarm

Blorflax, the evil three foot tall alien emperor of the Karundlian Nebula, is now the Syndicate's third on-site correspondent. Blorflax's Advice Chat Panel is now a place within the Syndicate where the average user can take comfort in imparted wisdom. Do you have a problem? Do you need quick advice and don't have the time to wait for Blorflax's next advice column to appear? Blorflax's Advice Chat Panel is for you!

Another Grim Vision of Things to Come

A new month is upon us here at the Syndicate, and you know what that means! Jolly previews of what's in store for December! Yay! Take a look at this snazzy list we made of ideas we have up our sleeve that might show up in the next 31 days.

• Mr. Fred, Professional Zombie's cooking tips and recipes
• Blorflax answering more user fan mail in his New Advice Column
• More fantastic awe-inspiring Red Light Gallery images
• Hopefully more guest columnists coming to work as on-site correspondents for the Syndicate

And much, much more! Here's to a great December!