Turkey Juice Provides Super Powers

Today's news: Tryptophan, amino acid found heavily in turkey flesh, was once thought to be merely a sedative, chemically lulling people to sleep after they gorge themselves on this yummy holiday. However, as one medical journal that's questionably reputable states, this chemical can actually have a wide variety of positive affects on the humans that consume it. Take a careful look at this list before you sit down for your feast this evening, as these are some of the strange things tryptophan could do to you:

• X-ray vision
• Flight (a.k.a. levitation)
• Uncontrollable urge to mope
• Increased saliva production (we're talking gallons)
• Colorful "PG" rated hallucinations
• Diminished ability to grasp objects with toes

Be warned, and have a jolly Thanksgiving.

Marine Life Has Something to Say

In today's Guest Columns, resident animal expert Yurivich Gruskenvald reports on a story ranging from the depths of the ocean floor to the depths of church basements. Fish all around the world are voicing their disapproval for the use of their body shape as a Christian and an Evolutionist icon. Hear from influential leaders of both parties as well as top ranking pillars of the fish community in this debate in Fish Speak Out Against Creation Philosophies!

Almost Enough Articles to Shake a Stick At

It's quite a big number, 150. It's not only fifteen times ten and the age of actress Goldie Hawn, but it's the number of articles the Syndicate has to offer! Yes, today's newest piece was number 150 for us, and we couldn't be more proud. In celebration, Jason purchased a small bag of jelly beans which was promptly shared around the room. Even the black ones were eaten. Joy!

Deceased Evolutionist Apparently Alive and Well

We here at the Syndicate were a tad shocked today when this character showed up at our offices. Yeah, that's Darwin all right. He came to us with his head firmly attached to a new, severely downsized body, asking for a mascot job. How do you say no to a guy that cute? Thus, here he is, our newest mascot. He'll perform his mascotish duties until we grow tired of him, at which point he'll be escorted from the building by Hank the security guard!

Uninvited Guests Attempt to Disturb Things

Been to the Forums recently? If you have, you may have noticed how they were "hacked" a few days ago. Even though practically no damage was done and it was a nothing more than a minor inconvenience, rest assured that the point of hacking the Forums in the first place was nonexistent! Regardless, Today's Syndicate Press features a new article by Chris Clark inspired by the event. Take a look back in history at how the modern hacker, or in this case, the wannabe hacker has evolved in Cyber-Seige Throughout Time!

Trivial Happenings From Around the Nation

Need to catch up on what's happening in your world this week? Check out the newest addition to the Syndicate Press, the Reality Syndicate News In Brief! These stories fell through the cracks but we strategically placed a net underneath the cracked surface to catch them. Here are this week's headlines:

WITNESS WITH FLAMING SKIRT RECEIVES PERJURY CHARGE RASH OF DONE-TO-DEATH CRANK CALLS ANNOYS RESIDENTS CAR SALESMAN ACCEPTS I.O.U. FOR DOWN PAYMENT

STUDENT LEARNS WESTERN CIVILIZATION CLASS NOT CENTERED ON OLD WEST STUDENT EXPELLED FOR POSSESSION OF MICROSCOPIC WEAPON

Doctor S. Unaware of Halloween Date

Sure, he may be a day or two late, but Dr. S. means well - he's got some fantastic costume ideas (or at least he says so) waiting for you, the readers, in his new article, appropriately titled Dr. S's Costume Ideas!