Some say paper, but paper is cheap! Give her the gift of Styrofoam. Not only will it not biodegrade for a million years, but if bought in peanut form it comes in many festive colors!

Five years is truly a milestone for any marriage in a time when divorces are just so darn popular, and fun! Celebrate this half a decade of wedlock with the gift of Jellybeans. Some choose to go with a box of assorted jellybeans or a jellybean cologne from a fine department store, but come on, be classy! Go with a special jellybean mounted on a beautiful gold ring. Not only will she look flattering, but she'll smell like your choice of flavors!

After a whole decade of marriage just give her a piece of historical memorabilia. That easy! A chunk of the Berlin Wall, a life-sized Terra Cotta soldier, Ludwig Von Beethoven's severed head, the sky's the limit. Try to keep the artifact at least one hundred years old though, or she might be insulted and you could find yourself sleeping on the couch.

For this special milestone give her... Just kidding! There is no special thing for the eleventh anniversary! This means you can, of course, forget you even have a spouse and blow your gift money on comic books. I truly look forward to my eleventh anniversary!

Ah... two decades. What could possibly say "I love you" more than human body parts? Yes, this is the famed removed organs year. Think carefully about what you think makes your spouse special and give her one of those, but just taken from a living human (the taking is the most fun part of all!) I already plan on giving Mrs. Fred a collection of human eye to complement how beautiful her own are. Be creative and give your wife anything, ranging from hearts, to gall bladders, even toes!

Half a century. Wow. Did you ever think you'd make it this far? Yes, this is the year to give her Batteries. Batteries are good for a variety of things, from powering toys and remote controls to... um... powering even more things! Yeah... Oh! They're also good for throwing at things, or leaking the acid out to damage the delicate skin of friends.

Yeesh, she's still around? Man. That sucks. This is definitely the anniversary to hint at how much you detest her company. Use a variety of gifts, ranging from weaponry to tombstones, or even a sign that says "Go Away!" Be original and use your creative spirit to really get the point across. Should you not succeed in getting the hag to leave you, any one of the anniversaries following one hundred is for presenting your dead, lifeless body as a gift. No need to stay married into the triple digits, I say...