Syndicate Headlines: Jan. 27, 2002 By Charles Anderson, Roving Reporter

INTERDIMENSIONAL BEING OF PURE ENERGY ARRESTED FOR VIOLATION OF LAWS OF PHYSICS

LOS ANGELES, CA - After a meticulous and lengthy criminal investigation, authorities finally cornered a mysterious alien visitor in a Los Angeles area research facility Wednesday, where he was promptly apprehended and charged for his flagrant violation of physical law. The culprit, a being from a higher plane of existence visually manifested through a brilliant, shimmering mass of light, surprised police by peacefully accepting the arrest. "We had no idea what this guy was capable of." explained detective Fred Duhrman, who headed the investigation and was present at the scene of the arrest. "For all we knew, he'd start vaporizing officers or launching flaming orbs of unholy death at us. You just can't be too careful when you've got a supernatural being of pure energy and light on your hands." Although a SWAT team and several heavy-weapons squads were standing by during the operation, they were not called in.

According to sources at the LAPD, the search for the benevolent alien messenger was a difficult one, despite his common appearances at hospitals, medical research facilities, and religious landmarks. "Because of his paradoxical, 'physical-non-physical' nature, he is able to jump instantly between places, making it very difficult for us to even find him, much less arrest him," Duhrman told reporters at a press conference yesterday. "He has absolutely no respect whatsoever for the laws of quantum physics, and violates them constantly. That open and spiteful disregard for these laws necessitated the arrest of this individual."

The visitor, who possesses no name because of his transcendental, super-physical level of deistic hyper-consciousness, has been witnessed numerous times violating almost every physical law imaginable. Dr. Mary Franklin, 38, of Boston works in a local medical facility as a research scientist, specializing in cancer treatment and prevention. "I was working on a very difficult project when I was suddenly approached by this seething mass of blinding light, which I can only assume was this 'visitor' guy. I asked him how he got past security, and he started going on about the 'cure for cancer' and some chemicals or something, I don't really remember. I was too busy looking at his feet, because he didn't have any. He was floating completely off of the ground. When I realized he was breaking the most basic laws of gravity, I called the police immediately. By the time I got off the phone, though, he was already gone."

Dr. Franklin's experience is not unique: Over 100 research scientists were approached within the last month by the strange being, most of which provided the same report, involving a supposed "cure for cancer". Several modern philosophers have also claimed encountering the being, who allegedly proceeded to explain the meaning of all life and existence. However, these reports are as of yet unproven. Requests for comment from the suspect have been met with only simple responses: "No comment", or "I come bearing infinite wisdom and eternal peace for all beings."

Although the glowing being of pure energy is currently on trial and considered 'innocent until proven guilty', the outcome of the case seems apparent to most onlookers. A recent poll of TV viewers showed that almost 95% of those polled support the conviction of the visitor, while 5% are either undecided or fell asleep during the survey. "They'd be crazy not to convict the guy," said San Francisco truck driver Vince McFadden: "Look at him, he's floating above his chair right now! And did you see the way he walked into the courtroom? [He] flew in real fast, then just stopped without even slowing down. Isn't it illegal to drive without inertia? Damn, that guy would piss Newton off."