Dear
Blorflax,
February 21, 2002 |
 |
 Hola,
Syndicate Readers. It's been quite a while since my last installment of
my advice column, but I blame my absence on the bureaucrats. If there's
one thing I've learned in my time on this planet, it's that blaming things
on the bureaucrats never upsets anybody. That is, except the bureaucrats
themselves, but their opinions don't count. Lousy bureaucrats.
So how about answering
some mail?
Dear Blorflax,
I recently purchased
your new model of the XQ45 Space and time distorter model 1.165. However
I am confuzed as to why the 1.165 model does not come with the "Matter,
Anti-Matter Balancer" function that was in the 1.164 model. You
know, the one that creates a cosmic vortex continual with space and
time so that when I come back to my normal time there are not 3 copies
of myself and the weird sticky goo on the back of my neck.
See, normally
3 copies of me aren't bad at all but here's the thing: people keep asking
me things about subject which I do not recall. I'm guessing that one
of my copies was involved in this situation and not myself. Since the
"Matter, Anti-Matter Balancer" is not included in the 1.165
model and I cannot downgrade back to the 1.164 model, I'm not sure how
to get theses 3 copies of myself back to their own dimension and things
back to normal.
Please, whatever
you can do will be much appreciated.
Confused in Colorado
Dear Confused,
 Well,
the short answer to why the 1.165 model came without the Matter, Antimatter
Balncer is because the equilibrium matrix required for the balancing
system would have been offset by the added positron impulse network.
Pictured here is the dual coil cell micron electrographic decompositionizer
that was installed in its place. Cool looking, huh?
 So
basically if it was kept, the machine would have exploded upon use in
a massive fireball of destruction, chaos, and other intangible nouns.
Instead we dumped all that balancing stuff to run off of the internal
computer installed with the cup holder. You see, the cup holder already
had a matter antimatter balancing system. We just let the device
rely on that.
As for the slimy
clones attached to the back of your head, congratulations! One in every
million XQ45 Space
and time distorters made is designed to create multiples of the
user, douse them in gunk, and connect them firmly to the back of the
user's head. This is a contest, just like finding a That Cola with a
marked bottle cap. Contact your distributor immediately, you one a trip
to Sea Land!
Lucky you!
Dear Blorflax,
People always
say "that's what they say." Who the heck is "they"
anyway? How do I become one of "they?"
-Befuddled in
Buffalo
Dear Befuddled,
 Well,
of what I know of them, they're a hard group to join. They've actually
been featured on the big screen, in the 1951 classic Them!
This movie, while
entertaining, portrayed them as giant radioactive ants. Let me just
say that is one heck of an overstatement! If any members of them are
ants, which there probably are (they try to get all species represented),
I'm sure they aren't "giant" by any definition of the word.
Since only two members
of each species are allowed within the Brotherhood of Them at any given
time, your best bet would be to track down the male human member and
kill him or, failing that, kill the male gorilla member and apply while
wearing a gorilla suit. Good luck!
Those were
some difficult and tediously time consuming questions! Now that they're
more or less answered, would you like me answer one of your questions?
Just send your questions here
and I'll get to them if I still have a job as an advice columnist! I'll
be back soon with some more advice for some more people like these, so
don't go far.
-Blorflax, because
he's probably shorter than you.
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