Dear
Blorflax,
March 2, 2001 |
 |
 Hello,
fans of advice! I'm back at 113% after the wild times of Drivel Days has
officially ended. Sigh! As a creature from another world, I never knew
what a holiday was. I did some reading on the subject but still am quite
confused, like Christmas. I hear about a little boy being born two millennia
ago, and I hear about an obese man in a red suit. I don't know what to
make of it!
Drivel Days, however,
was pretty cut and dry. Well, only 353 days until it comes again! That
said, let's get to the questions.
Dear Blorflax,
I have two questions.
My first one concerns a problem I found while trying to make myself
some cookies. I was able to find all of the ingredients, although the
sugar took me a while, but I couldn't find a Gravimetric Compression
System. I was finally able to borrow a friends but he won't tell me
how he got his. How can I obtain one of these trendy machines?
Secondly, after
devouring the cookies objects seem to have a strange attraction to me.
Whenever I come near a small object it leaps towards my stomach, which
is very disturbing. I now have watch out all the time and other people
have taken to throwing small objects at me for fun. Please HELP!!
-Scared in Sacramento
Dear Scared,
First and foremost,
please don't yell in your letters! I understand it helps show
how desperate you are, and normally I'd love to see documents in all
capitals (I did love "A Prayer for Owen Meany" after all).
However, I have an automated letter-reading machine that shouts words
at 120 decibels when the word is all caps. You can understand know how
I hate getting my phone bill from MCI. I've never heard the word
"mm-key" so loud!
 Well,
about you're question. You are obviously responding to Mr. Fred's "After
Death Cuisine II," Recipe #1, "Sugar
Cookies Zombie Style." Those are some good cookies and I'm
glad you decided to make them. I spoke to Mr. Fred about your problem
to see if he had seen, or even experienced this phenomenon before. This
is all he said:
 "Ughghhhhh...
Brains!!!!! Ughh.... Cookies... ugh..cookies! Ugh... Prepare with a
dash of brown sugar and almonds, than bake at 375° instead of 500°
for about twenty minutes for a different flavor. Ugh....."
Well, this doesn't
answer much. It is, however, a great idea for the next time I make these
cookies! Anyway, I suggest you not try to remove the massive lump of
compressed sugar from your stomach. If you have survived it being there
this long, you are very lucky!
My recommendation
is to use your gravitationally attractive abdomen to be a new super
hero! "Gravitationally Attractive Abdomen Man!" The name will
scare off foes just because they can't pronounce half of it. Also, now
you won't even need to buy a gravitational compression device, as specified
in the first part of your letter. For now, you are one!
I wish you good luck
as America's new line of defense. Truth, Justice, and long confusing
super hero names!
Dear Blorflax,
My query is this:
I've come to understand that yes, I am the only person truly in existence
here and that everything around me, places, things and people are all
figments of my imagination. I've come to accept my duty as sole provider
for what I now refer to as "Name-withheld Land".
But, and here's
where the question comes in, if I am the sole provider for anything
and everything on this earth... why did I create myself as a short,
heavy set fellow with a stutter and one lame foot? Not that I personally
have any problems with the short, the heavy set, the stuttering or the
lame, it's just, well, it seems to me I would have made all of "Name-withheld
Land"'s women possess an unquenchable thirst for my lame footed, stuttering,
heavy set, short self and the love I would provide.
And on another
note: say I'm not the one person who's really here... where does he
live? I need to have a talk with him...
-Confused in Connecticut
Dear Confused,
 My
goodness, that's a lot to ask.
I would say I too am upset with my physical appearance, but actually
it's quite the opposite. Though I am only three feet tall and have green
skin and legs that measure two inches that scuffle along the ground
to give me locomotion, the chicks dig me! Don't ask me why, human females
just confuse me.
As for you're problem,
we must consider that you in fact did not create the universe,
or that you did without knowing it. There's a simple test for this:
 If
you did create the universe, chances are good that you can still alter
it. Using your mind, relocate the city of Los Angeles to be floating
one thousand feet above the city of Las Vegas. If all goes well, congratulations,
creator! Otherwise, you're probably just another schmoe.
Buck up, though,
because I have compiled a list of potential creators to the universe.
Using my extremely superior alien technology I can calculate the probability
that some one or something (who said it had to be human?) is an omniscient
creator of the universe. This list shows those that scored 73% probability
or more:
- Dan Quayle - 77%
- Goldie Hawn -
75%
- Snuffles, the
Parakeet that belongs to Mrs. Reva Tarmigan of Seattle, WA - 84%
- The first Lassie
- 92%
- The Chrysler Building
- 86%
- The entire landmass
of Eurasia - 74%
- Syndicate writer
Chris Clark's '93 Nissan Sentra - 99.9%
I suggest checking
with these.. um... things, and trying to determine for yourself who
is the true creator of the universe. If you're lucky, and the creator
you find is sympathetic, you may become the most attractive thing on
two legs, one of which is lame!
I bid you good luck
and I hope to see you in the news being married to Rebecca Romajne Stamos
very soon!
Those were
some interesting questions this week. Would you like to have me answer
one of your questions? Just send
your questions here and I'll give you advice in my next column! I'll
be back in about a week with my next installment, so see you then!
-Blorflax, three
feet tall, green slippery skin, and a devil with the ladies
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