Dear
Blorflax,
March 14, 2001 |
 |
 Ah,
spring. My most hated season is just around the corner. Why do I hate
spring, you ask?
That's none of your
business, jerk!
Oh my... sorry... that
was a little harsh. Let me just say that I've had bad experiences involving
watermelon sprouts and pipe cleaners. Don't ask. Let's just get
to questions.
Dear Blorflax,
 Hi!
My name is Norman. Two scientists, claiming to be from this website,
asked me a bunch of questions and took all sorts of measurements of
me with strange scientific devises while I was buying food a few weeks
ago. I tried to contact them to see what the experiment was, but came
up short.
Eventually I saw
the first article and the rebuttal to that article appear on this site.
Frankly, I feel left out that these scientists didn't consult my amazing
nerd intelligence for help in their calculations. I tried to contact
their offices but they wouldn't return my phone calls.
As you seem to
be on the "inside" with this peculiar website here, maybe
you could talk to them for me? Thanks in advance.
-Befuddled in
Backwater
Dear Befuddled,
Why, you're obviously
referring to the article "Chaos Theory
and Potato Chip Decisions" by wombat specialist and recently
granted chaos theorist Yurivich Gruskenvald.
Of course, the second article you refer to could only be "Salty
Potato Chaos - A Rebuttal" by none other than Dr. Floyd H.
Shkletzinheimer.
Let me just say that
these two "scientists" (a laughable word when referring to
anything from this crappy... I mean wonderful website) are like little
children. They get really interested in something, like chaos theory
in this case, dump out some drivel about it, and move on. I think right
now Yurivich is working on curing female pattern baldness and Doc S.
is building a device to make finding his car keys easier.
 Solution?
Well, I suggest you say to heck with chance. Go down to your local 4-20
and buy as many bags of plain and ruffled potato chips that you can.
Mock science! Mock Logic! Mock advice!
Wait, don't do that...
advice is good...
Dear Blorflax,
 I
want to be a master burger chef, just like the people I pretend to see
on TV. I just have one small problem though... I'm afraid of fire! I'll
only settle for flame grilled though!
Ack! What can
I do?! Aiee!!!
-Terrified in
Tulsa
Dear Terrified,
Flame! My very warm
and painful mistress!
Friend, on my home
planet, as alien overlord, I was commander of all things, including
fire. Most overlords before me were passive about controlling certain
chemical reactions with an iron fist, but not me! I loved fire and everything
about it.
 Therefore,
I had my top scientists fireproof my entire body. Afterward, I had an
Olympic sized swimming pool of fire build below the terrace behind my
bungalow fortress. You can see me pictured here, taking a little dip
after a hard day of totalitarianism.
My advice to you
is to have your scientists fire proof your entire body. The process
is very fun and only hurts for ten minutes. Surely your human civilization
has this technology, since you definitely possess the mind boggling
technology of plastic wrap.
I'll leave finding
a Human Fire Proofing Clinic in your area up to you. Good luck!
Some good
question with solid advice there were this week! Hey, would you like to
have me answer one of your questions? Just send
your questions here and I'll make sure to answer them in my next column!
I'll be back next week with two more tantalizingly odd questions, so don't
go too far!
-Blorflax, 'Cause
It Ain't Easy Being Green
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