Dear
Blorflax,
March 22, 2001 |
 |
 Spring
is officially here! As some of you may remember, I loathe spring with
an unquenchable hatred. If I saw spring walking down the street I would
yell "Hey spring!" and then duck inside a building so spring
would look around and get confused thinking somebody wanted his attention!
As we begin this treacherous
season, let's see some questions, how 'bout it?
Dear Blorflax,
 So
there I was drinking some of my favorite cola in the world, That Cola,
in my living room. Lo and behold, I fell asleep! Hey, it was a boring
day. Anyway, if I hadn't woken up in two minutes like I did, I would
have drowned in delicious carbonated syrup.
My question: Isn't
there some way I can sue the pants off of That Cola by claiming emotional
pain and suffering even though I have no damages whatsoever and just
want to make a quick buck?
-Greedy in Garrison
Dear Greedy One,
Ooh... That Cola
has been in their fair share of trouble with the Syndicate. Check out
"Trusted Diet Plan Failing Citizens,"
Charles Anderson's first investigative report.
 The
thing with That Cola is you should be afraid of them at least a tiny
bit before you battle them in the court room for restitution. Pictured
here is a scale model I made of their corporate headquarters out of
chopped onions, toothpicks, and reinforced concrete. As you can see,
they have a big building!
Big buildings usually
mean a whole lot of lawyers. We can postulate this from Newton's
second equation of Corporate Thermodynamics:
Big Company + Big
Building = Many Lawyers
My advice to you
is to spend your entire life savings on lawyers and take That Cola by
surprise. By the time Judge Wapner is telling you his ruling, That Cola
should be just finished buying new lawyers to fight! Hit hard before
they can hit back my friend!
Excelsior!
Dear Blorflax,
I'd love to visit
Antarctica. I'm afraid of what's there waiting for me, though. I don't
know much about that corner of the world, and frankly any resources
I've found have not specified whether there were or were not giant mechanical
squids that eat people.
Can you tell me
some about Antarctica and what horrible things live there?
-Apprehensive
in Arkansas
Dear Apprehensive,
One reason why I
detest spring so much (but certainly not the main reason) is because
spring means the end of winter. Back home in the Karundlian Nebula,
my home town of Greslex 9 was so cold it dropped to ten below absolute
zero every night, not including wind chill! Thus, my first vacation
I ever took on Earth was to Antarctica.
 Here
you can see a photo my friend Ed took of me meeting with the local welcoming
committee, composed of over 10,000 penguins. These little guys were
cute, cuddly, and knew their way around the grill when it came to Cajun
Style Cookin'!
You really have nothing
to fear in Antarctica. The sizes of the giant mechanical squids are
greatly exaggerated and they burrow into the ground during the summer
anyway. There are swarms of gelatinous miniature pyramids known as "Spatula
Mites" but they've all migrated to Argentina for the season.
Antarctica is a beautiful
place and quite safe. Enjoy your visit!
Such tantalizingly
inquisitive questions. Now that answers have been found, would you like
to have me answer one of your questions? Just send
your questions here and I'll probably answer them in my next column!
I'll be back next week with two more questions from readers, so stay tuned!
-Blorflax, Sounds
like it's Spelled and Spelled like it Sounds.
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