Dear
Blorflax,
May 7, 2002 |
 |
 Hello
readers! It's indeed a pleasure to be back. Recently I came into a large
sum of dirty money, and after much laundering I bought a boat! It's your
standard 24 footer, pristine condition yacht. I am looking for sailing
buddies, so if you enjoy boating yourself, or even if you too have come
across the wonderful riches that come with illegal activities, email
me and we may be able to hook up sometime! Ah, the criminal's life
for me.
Let's get to some questions,
shall we?
Dear Blorflax,
Being a frequent
passerby of the Reality Syndicate, I came across the delicious and mouth
watering logo that is your new mascot. '? Soda, sounds like a Canadian
beverage!' I proclaimed to myself in joy, having a fond fascination
for anything Canadian. So with hopes high, I traveled to my local grocer
to bag me some of that sweet, sweet molecular enigma, but to my dismay,
there was non to be found.
Though generally a lazy being, I searched many isles, including the
soda isle, the water isle, even the powdered milk isle. And though I
was amazed by the fact that powdered milk got its own isle, I was still
unable to find any ? Soda.
 So
my question is this, what kind of company markets a product that they
don't distribute. Where can I find this wonderfully packaged crystal
blue plasma -esque liquid. However will my throat and tummy be quenched
by the insatiable desires within ? Soda.
I then remembered it was Canadian Soda, and grabbed the nearest Mountain
Dew Code Red.
Anonymous Mafioso
Dear Mafioso,
Let me first say
I'm very pleased a crime boss, or perhaps mere crime employee such as
yourself frequents this site! Let's all cheer for crime.
 Now
then, ? Soda is a very mysterious product indeed. Many grocers choose
not to stock it on their shelves because they believe it is not of
this Earth, which is somewhat hypocritical because I'm not
even of this Earth and yet they sell their wares to me, no questions
asked (unless I'm buying weird things like a watermelon, twelve tubes
of toothpaste, and pencil set). I mean, come on guys, have some consistency
in your prejudices!
 So
I'd recommend contacting the ? Soda headquarters. All the information
is printed right on the side of the bottle, you just need to look for
it.
And Mountain Dew
you say... Sounds odd. Never heard of it.
Dear Blorflax,
I like birds.
They look all aerodynamic, they have the feather thing going on but
don't seem to be tickled by it, those beaks are just plain dashing,
and they can fly. The whole eating bugs thing is cool too, but I can
do that regardless of my species.
Anywho, how might
I go about transforming myself into some sort of bird-man creature?
I'd rather not be all bird... I think if I were to go that far I'd lose
the logic and reasoning thing I have going for me being a human and
all. Can you help?
-Anxious in Alabama
Dear Anxious,
Good question, my
friend. I must say, you aren't the only one who wishes he could take
on certain aspects of creatures from another chunk of the animal kingdom!
Personally, I wish I had some arthropodic qualities, but that's a tangent
I'd rather not subject you to.
 Now
then, there's a whole spectrum of ways to acquire birdlike physical
aspects. The range is, of course, in price. If your wallet is relatively
barren and empty, you may want to consider buying a cheap bird suit
such as the one shown here. Located at costume shops, thrift stores,
and the garage sales of ex-mascots for sports teams, the simple costume
can provide limited aspects, such as a beak and feathers, without straining
your budget.
 On
the other end of the spectrum is our good friend modern science.
Using high tech equipment, such as two shiny orbs with lighting between
them (hey, I don't know how it works either, but apparently it does),
one can transmogrify oneself into just about anything, ranging from
birds to houseplants to even billiard balls. Transmogrification procedures
are costly but covered by some health insurance providers. Consult your
physician before moving forward with anything in this arena.
Good luck to you
and all of your flights of fancy!
Good things
to know, beverage distribution and physical alterations. Now that I've
successfully proven my title as Grand Pubaa of Wisdom and Advisory Knowledge,
would you like me answer one of your questions? Just send
your questions here and I'll get to them in my free time between sleeping
and criminal activities. I'll be back soon with some more advice for some
more people like these, so don't go anywhere!
-Blorflax, master
of style.
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