Dear
Blorflax,
September 17, 2001 |
 |
 Hello
readers! It's back to school season and so I decided it should be back
to work season as well. Therefore, here I am! September is a fine month,
being the only month to start with an "S" (quite an accomplishment,
I must say.) It's a month so devoid of any meaningful holidays that my
family and I usually find ourselves sitting around thinking of words that
start with "S" to honor the boring month. Hey, it sounds pathetic,
but it passes the time!
We do have a few new
letters begging of my advice this time around. Here they are, in no particular
order!
Dear Blorflax,
I'm an up-and-coming
criminal in Downtown LA, and I've been thinking about getting into pickpocketing,
bank robbery, that sort of thing. Do you have any tips about how to
keep my five-finger discount without running into the long arm of the
law?
-Confused in California
Dear Confused,
So, the life of crime
for you, is it? I'm not one to pass judgement. Do what you please, but
steal anything of mine and I'll have fleets of Karundlian War Ships
after you! That wouldn't be fun.
 OK,
your first friend on the street should be fire! Fire is a powerful
tool that was only recently invented but is already popular enough to
easily obtain. Fire, also known as flame can be useful to ward
off those pesky policeman who try to arrest you. Furthermore, you can
use it to hold up the banks you rob, threatening uncomfortable burns
to those who don't comply. Lastly, as you roll through your vast piles
of stolen money laughing and hooting at success, this stuff can keep
you quite warm! Just don't get it to close to your spoils or you could
lose them and be back to square one.
There are some pesky
folks who may stand in the way of your crime sprees. You refer to them
as the "long arm of the law" but they actually come in the
form of many individuals, each with two arms. This mean you need
to be extra careful!
 Knowing
the weakness of your enemy is important in avoiding them, humiliating
them, or plotting their downfall. What is the main weakness of the police,
you may ask? Underwear. Plain and simple. Officers of the law (and to
a lesser extent sheriffs and federal agents) are susceptible to wedgies
like none other. If you can manage to get a firm grasp on the rear part
of the waistband of the underpants of the officer attempting your arrest
and pull sharply upward, viola! Just like kryptonite. This method will
efficiently subdue anyone who stands in your way that carries a badge.
I bid you good luck,
criminal!
Dear Blorflax,
I just finished
a great novel and am eager to start another one. Unfortunately the sequel
to this novel won't be released for another seven months! Do you have
any suggeted reading material to pass the time?
-Eager in El Paso
Dear Eager One,
Reading is certainly
a joyous passtime and would be more popular if not for that infernal
TV machine! Oh well, I can definitely offer some advice in terms of
reading material. Here goes!
 First
I should like to plug my own book: Get Me a Shovel - One Karundlian's
Story. It's a chilling autobiographical tale involving the need
to bury various items on my home planet in the Karundlian Nebula. The
soil there is quite soft and moldable, like Play-Do only more vibrantly
colored. At one point I was even Grand Marshall for the Fifth Burial
Precinct in my home town. Yes, if you've ever had an interest in placing
objects within the ground, or even if you happen to have $29.95 (American)
burning a hole in your pocket, give me royalties and buy Get Me a
Shovel!
 If
that's not your kind of book, certainly this one is. All Things Revolting
and Putrid is the world's foremost guide to anything disgusting.
Your stomach will get quite the workout as you thumb through page after
page of gross pictures, nauseating text, and excerpts from the OJ Simpson
trial. This book was a work in progress over the course of two months
for Janet Reno and her team of Investigators of Filth. Yes, All Things
Revolting and Putrid would be a fine addition to any book or garbage
enthusiast's collection.
As the only books
I've ever actually read/written, I can offer no further advice. With
any luck, my book will make you believe literature is a waste of time
and Janet Reno's book will make you sick to your stomach at even the
sight of any book, so you'll never want to read again!
Problem solved!
Those were
some amazingly thought provoking questions! Now that they're out of the
way, would you like me answer one of your questions? Just send
your questions here and I'll get to them whenever the heck I feel
like it! I'll be back soon with some more advice for some more people
like these, so don't go far.
-Blorflax, not Floorwax.
Get it right!!!
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