Dear
Blorflax,
November 21, 2001 |
 |
 Greetings,
Syndicate fans! I'm back with more advice this week of Thanksgiving. Such
a strange holiday, that is, I must say (I like to speak like Yoda as he's
the closest relative I have on this planet). On my home planet we have
a similar holiday known as "Grafkenflemel" in which we gather
around a large table as a family unit and gorge ourselves upon a bounty
of tree bark and plastic products as our forefathers did 12,000 years
ago when they landed on our planet and successfully conquered a race of
giant ant monsters. Hey, I didn't say it was exactly like Thanksgiving.
Let's get to the advice
already, hmm?
Dear Blorflax,
I just bought
a new car and I'm having some trouble, The key won't fit in the ignition
and so I cant start the car. Whenever I try and fit the key in the little
slot with all the buttons under it, the key refuses to go in! Then to
add insult to injury, the conniving, horrible, awful, used car salesman
said that my car came with a CD player, but whenever I try to put my
CD in that little hole behind the steering wheel, the CD just breaks,
maybe it is because the hole is smaller than the CD when you look at
it from the front. Could you possibly blast the guy who conned me into
buying the car? Any help would be appreciated.
-Angry in Amsterdam
Dear Angry,
Unfortunately, your
used car salesman is not at fault. Though used car salesmen are somewhere
on the evolutionary chain between apples and drywall, they all could
use a good blasting. I'll get to the details of that in a minute; first
let's discuss the holes in your car.
 CDs
and keys can be easily confused, so don't kick yourself too much. Just
a little kicking should suffice. What you're obviously doing wrong is
limiting yourself to only two of the many thousands of holes your car
has to offer. Next time you plan on starting your car walk all the way
around it and stick the key wherever it may fit. Do the same with your
CD. Once the outside of the car is covered, try the inside. Don't give
up! If you still can't seem to find the proper hole, consult
your owner's manual.
 Now...
As to the matter of the used car salesman and the proposed "blasting."
Though any used car salesman picked at random would probably deserve
a blasting, I would not be doing any blasting to anybody. My particular
blaster, known as the BLASTO-TRON, is far too powerful to use
on a mere human. If I decided to use it on anybody on this planet, rest
assured I would fire from a standard orbit as about 53% of the planet
would cease to exist once I pull the trigger.
A blaster is no toy!
Dear Blorflax,
People are so
stupid! Why do they have to be so stupid? I hate stupid people! Stupid
people are stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! STUPID!!!!!
-Stupid in San
Antonio
Dear Stupid,
Yes, stupidity is
one of the more baffling mysteries of modern psychology. Even the stupidest
of psychologists have spent a good portion of their lives devoting time
to stupid studies (studies of stupidity). Here's what we know of stupidity
thus far:
 The
human brain is made up of three key regions. Those regions can be seen
here on this diagram of a human brain. The first two regions to take
note of are the smaller ones; the red
being the logic center and the green
being the happiness zone. The blue,
however, constituting nearly 90% of the brain, is the stupidity
cortex. It's true, only the stupidest of psychologists have
devoted time to this study so the results themselves are quite stupid.
Smart psychologists even claim that the study of he stupidity cortex
is "stupid."
 So
why does stupidity matter? Stupidity is a mystery. Every human possesses
90% stupidity and that number has never been lower. Paleopsychologists
speculate that the prehistoric cavemen of many ages ago had 100% stupidity,
which makes one curious. With so much stupidity, how were the cavemen
able to produce such fundamental and useful tools, such as the wheel,
the spear, or the A/V extension cord? Truly there's something
else working for human kind. My race, on the other hand, has a stupidity
ratio of 4%, with a 91% genius factor and a 2% mathematical ability
center, making for 103% of stuff in the brain. At this time I choose
to scoff at my superior intellect, as I've obviously earned it.
So I suppose I've
raised even more questions. Why are people so stupid? I guess I'd have
to say it's because they're people. Oh, and it may have something to
do with continental drift, I'm not sure.
Those were
some difficult and tediously time consuming questions! Now that they're
more or less answered, would you like me answer one of your questions?
Just send your questions here
and I'll get to them if I still have a job as an advice columnist! I'll
be back soon with some more advice for some more people like these, so
don't go far.
-Blorflax, the one
with 103% of Stuff in his Brain.
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