Dear
Blorflax,
December 31, 2000 |
 |
 Greetings
once again, readers! With the new year rapidly approaching, many of you
chose to write me with you post-holiday problems. I must say, I was very
happy to be bombarded with your sorrow! Let's get to the questions.
Dear Blorflax,
I am the leader
of a small Island off the coast of America. The capatalists in America
don't seem to like me much, I am wondering what I should do to gain
their affections. I have asked many of my worlds leaders; some said
that I should take over their contry and force them to like me, while
others said I should dress up in a pretty dress and sing a solo. I am
not shure what to do and I would really like some of your advice.
-Communist in
Cuba
Dear Anonymous Cuban
Overlord,
I am employed by
the same American dogs that hate you. A pox on their houses and house
pets!
 The
very first thing you should do is contact Squirrel Co. The people there
are all tree-dwelling rodents and they have an excellent spelling boot
camp. I know you're Cuban so you may not know English like the back
of your hand, but we can't go around using words like "contry"
and "shure."
Following that, I
suggest a hostile takeover. Now don't blow it off right away, hear me
out. If you were to conquer America and make the leaders of this country
know that they've lost everything, then say "just kidding"
and laugh about it, it's win win! The nation's leaders will laugh with
you as you share some yummy Cuban cigars. What an ice breaker!
¡Buena Suerte!
Dear Blorflax,
I sell powdered
lemonade in mail envelopes on the roof of a very tall building. I have
my own stand and everything! Anywho, I'm looking to boost business,
but don't know the first thing about advertising. Can you help get me
started?
Thanks in advance.
-Entrepreneurial
in East Germany
Yon Businessman,
You're welcome in
advance! Oh, and I thought East Germany and the guys from the West made
up and conglomerated? Uh oh, I hope you're not one of those hermit type
people who haven't seen a newspaper in years! I'd hate to be the one
to break that news to you!
 But
that's besides the point. You need advertising advice. Well, I don't
know too much, but I do know that cop shows and Court TV shows
are a gold mine. Do you realize just how many viewers they get? Well
I'm sure they'd love to work out a deal placing ads over people's faces
that don't want their identity revealed. Come on, all the fuzziness
and pixelation? They'd be made not to have your business!
Wow, those
were some tough questions. I love to do this though, really. I consider
it my service to the human race. Make sure to send
me your questions and I'll help you with your problems! Have
a happy transition from this year to the next!
-Blorflax, evil
overlord of the Karundlian Nebula
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