The Bran-Ray By Dr. Floyd H. Schkletzinheimer

My friends, I have for you a sordid story, the likes of which have never been seen before by any man, whether interested in sordid stories or not.

In my earlier years, I used to work as a research technician in Futur-Tech Labs, a highly advanced and frightening technology-and-weapons development laboratory.

I was a chipper young lad, eager to take on the world and all of its various military powers with my invention-crazed intellect! Impressed by my abilities over the years, my supervisor (Dr. Doe) decided to entrust me with his most important and ambitious project yet. His letter to me read as follows:

I was elated! You can't possibly imagine, with your underdeveloped civilian brains, the joy I felt! After a full hour of leaping around my office and tossing paperclips into the air with glee, I abruptly took on a serious mindset: it was time to work. I jumped into the first monorail available, my mind racing with ideas. "A Bran-Ray! Imagine the power, the implications," I thought. "Healthy, flavorless matter in limitless proportions! But what if it falls into the wrong hands?"

I paused for a moment with that harrowing thought - we all know what happened when that damned fool Jenkins let his Nuclear Tinfoil slip into the hands of a rival lab... it was a dark day that neither humans nor baked potatoes will soon forget. I resolved never to let such a tragedy occur with my invention, the ingenious Bran-Ray. As the train pulled up to the station and the guard opened the door for me, the plans came together perfectly in my mind. I was ready to build!

I burst through the lab doors, knocking some hapless intern into a pile of boxes. "No time for you, whelp! There is work to be done! Aside, peasant!" I strode forcibly into my Laboratory for the Fabrication of Recently Formulated Inventions (I call it the Fab-Lab for short) and seized the nearest tool, which just happened to be a broken blowtorch. Using all sorts of various, technically "non-functional" (Ha!) items, I collected all the materials I would need to construct my incredible Bran-Ray!

"Imagine," I mused to myself, "the mayhem that will erupt in cereal companies throughout the world! High-quality bran products will be available at the press of a button! They'll be ruined! Ha ha!" I plunged my head into the pile of assorted junk, furiously flailing my limbs about, constructing with incredible speed and aptitude the very first and only Bran-Ray!

When finally the dust settled, I pushed the rest of the spare parts onto the floor with a dramatic swipe of my arm, then gazed lovingly at the finished product - my Bran-Ray, completed and ready for testing. With my heart racing at an alarming pace, I reached under a table and withdrew my custom-furnished cereal bowl. Placing it gently onto the now-empty table, I raised the fantastic Bran-Ray at arm's length and pointed it at my beloved bowl. After a moment of quiet introspection, I pulled the trigger.

A brilliant green light emerged from the tip of the Bran-Ray, cascading down onto the empty bowl below. It was working! The bowl was filling up rapidly with the purest, unaltered bran matter! Careful not to overdo the first test, I disengaged the trigger, and the green light faded. The bowl remained, with a stable substance that appeared to be bran sitting within. But was this truly bran? I had to find out. I grasped a spoon from some unknown location behind my back and whipped it in front of me. With quiet apprehension, I took a scoop of the matter into the spoon, raised it to my mouth, and tasted it.

Disgusting! The most vile, bland, tasteless food ever to reach my tastebuds! The texture, like eating stiff, over-starched cloth! My teeth ached with the very prospect of biting into something so repulsive!

Indeed, it was bran! The Bran-Ray was a success!

With a triumphant smile, I grasped the Bran-Ray in my hand and raced toward the exit, where the unfortunate intern was regaining consciousness in the pile of boxes. As I raced by, I activated the Bran-Ray: "Here, little one, have some nutritious Bran for your trouble! Bwa-ha-ha-haaa!" The boxes surrounding the intern were filled with the purest of bran material, trapping him under their extreme weight, which is part of your complete breakfast.

As I rapidly neared my supervisor's office, I prepared a speech in my head regarding my victory. "Sir, I am proud to present to you the fruits of a full five minutes' labor, the illustrious and extravagant Bran-Ray! Capable of producing 3 square meters of bran per second, it signals the dawn of a new age! The Bran Age!..." etc.

I slammed the door to his office open, smashing a potted plant and sending a hanging picture crashing down to the floor.

"Sir! I am fruitful and present five laborious minutes of extra illustrations of the Bran-Ray, which signals 3 square meters per age at dawn! It's capable...!"

Dr. Doe stared at me oddly for a second, then replied in his irritating yet soothing monotone: "Did you say... 'Bran-Ray'?"

I stared back, puzzled. "Why yes, sir! Just look at its amazing capabilities!" I fired the Bran-Ray at his cup of coffee, which was transformed into a cup of coffee-soaked bran of the highest quality. "You see? It's just like you said! Genius!"

"Dr. Schekyheimer..."

"Schkletzinheimer."

"Whatever. Look, that was a typo. I meant to write BRAIN-RAY. You know, like those space-aliens on that one show use. Come on, I was on a plane, the keyboard was bouncing, what are you gonna do, eh?"

Struck with the realization of my failure, the Bran-Ray, no longer glorious in its flavorless powers, fell to the floor. I dropped to my knees, twisting my face into a knot and shrieking: "NOOOOO!!!! WHY?!?!?", clenching my fists toward the sky and cursing the fates.

"Hey now, we'll have no agonized wailing in my office. Janice, escort Mr. Sheklitzer out."

As Janice dragged me bodily down the hallway with her uncharacteristically massive forearms, I stared longingly at the wonderful Bran-Ray I held in my left hand.

"Some day, my friend, some day we shall have our revenge. We shall show them all your true power! The power of Bran!"

I have yet to see that day, but it's coming - mark my words, it's coming.

Dr. Floyd H. Shkletzinheimer
P.E., C.V.S., F.A.Q., R.O.T.F.L.