Salty Potato Chaos - A Rebuttal By Dr. Floyd H. Shkletzinheimer

So, you mindless fools actually believed the unfounded drivel spouted by that mindless gnat, Yurivich, eh? Ha! I should have guessed as much. That witless ostrich hasn't the slightest clue regarding Chaos Theory, and I am here to show you why.

Despite the mind-numbing detail Mr. Gruskenvald inserted into his article, several points were overlooked, the largest of which is the fact that Yurivich is a phenomenal imbecile! His entire potato-chip theory, which you may remember resulted in the destruction of the Earth, is completely flawed.

I scoff at such juvenile and uneducated blunderings! Scoff! In order to disprove the theory of this babbling nitwit, I intend to present my own theory, one which is not influenced by its author having the IQ of an especially dull doorknob!

Prepare to be blinded... WITH SCIENCE!

Choice #1 : Ruffled Potato Chips What would happen if Norman chose Ruffled Potato Chips over Regular, REALLY?

• Norman picks up the potato chips, briefly considers stealing them, but then remembers that he is a nerd and pays for them, making sure to leave plenty of pennies in the little bowl on the counter.
• Norman leaves the SpeedyMart, opening his bag of chips and scoffing weakly at the amount of empty space inserted at the top to make the bag appear larger than it is.
• Norman becomes slightly enraged at the chip company, vowing solemnly to send them a vaguely upset complaint e-mail when he gets home.
• While walking home (Norman can't drive, because his mom won't let him), the unique structure of the chips allows him to grasp and chew them easily, and as a result there are none left when he reaches his home.
• Another customer at the SpeedyMart uses the pennies left by Norman to purchase a Bubble Gum Globe.
• A dog nearby, allergic to Bubble Gum Globes and other similar products, has a violent sneezing fit. His owner is unmoved.
• Air currents and germ clouds from that sneeze travel an incredible distance, finally reaching a NASA base somewhere near Area 51.
• A scientist, working at that facility, contracts Dog Sneeze Fever and instantly loses consciousness. His lifeless body collapses onto the launch button for a dangerous rocket.
• At the same time, just for fun, two janitors decide to enter the launch code into the computer and activate the double-safe locking mechanism. Big mistake.
• Norman, upset over his newfound lack of potato chips, hears a low rumble and looks out his window to see a NASA rocket screaming toward his house.
• Norman ducks for cover behind his couch, which is fortunately constructed from 18" reinforced titanium.
• The rocket blows past Norman's house, not colliding but causing a sonic blast that rips the roof off of the house and sends millions of bits of shrapnel cascading violently into the atmosphere.
• A 747 cruising by at low altitude is hit by several bits of shrapnel - first class passengers are moderately irritated by tiny, pebble-like clacking noises.
• The rocket continues onward, cruising across the surface of the planet until it intercepts a sheep standing in northern Ireland. This sheep is lifted onto the nose of the rocket, which, due to the shift in weight, begins to arc upward toward the sky.
• The rocket leaves the earth's atmosphere and the sheep becomes annoyed. Due to a lack of oxygen, the sheep implodes at an altitude of 1,000 miles above the surface of the earth, creating a spatial anomaly which sucks the rocket into its infinite mass.
• A man in New York grunts and nods solemnly at the headline of the Wall Street Journal.
• The earth, moon, solar system, Milky Way galaxy, and all other known matter in the universe are sucked into the Black Sheep Hole, ending the existence of all life or potential thereof for all eternity.

Choice #2 : Regular Potato Chips - The Real Story What would really happen if Norman chose Regular Potato Chips over Ruffled, you simian scoundrels?

• Norman picks up the potato chips, and, due in part to the "wild and crazy" bright red packaging, decides to steal them.
• Norman, being an idiot, holds the bag of chips at arms length in front of him and walks robotically toward the door, hoping the clerk won't notice him because he has "activated his cloaking device".
• The clerk chuckles to himself and blackjacks Norman over the head with a smile. As a result, Norman is unable to deposit the pennies into the little bowl on the counter.
• A man in Wisconsin changes back to Channel 8 to watch the rest of his fishing show - he is amazed to discover that the commercial break is still not over.
• Stepping over Norman's unconscious body, a patron is outraged to learn that he will be unable to purchase his Bubble Gum Globe, due to a lack of free pennies.
• The patron loses his mind and vows to become a supervillain: "If I can't have THIS globe, I shall take another! BWA-HA-HA-HAAA!!!".
• The patron, now known as Bubblor the Destroyer, runs to the hardware store to buy supplies for his evil underground lair, with which he plans to destroy the Earth.
• Norman begins to regain consciousness. The proprietor asks if he has learned his lesson. Norman explains that he can't remember very much, and that he may have trouble learning anything at all in the future. The proprietor allows Norman to leave with the chips.
• As Norman walks back to his home, he attempts to eat the chips but becomes dizzy whenever he shifts his center of gravity. 85% of the chips remain when he reaches his destination.
• The world is shocked by the invention of the FishMeter 2001: now, the measuring and documenting of all the various aspects of a fish is made so easy, even a child can do it.
• Meanwhile, Bubblor the Destroyer constructs an evil underground lair and a doomsday secret weapon. He contacts the President of the United States, demanding one Bubble Gum Globe in return for the world's safety. The President remarks that the US does not negotiate with terrorists, as advised by his puppeteer.
• A man in northern Ireland decides to visit the US for a day or two, just to "see the funny-looking people". His pet sheep, Excelsior, escapes from a taxi and runs rampant on a seemingly-nonstop bumping spree. Hundreds are bumped, but few are injured.
• Excelsior somehow finds his way to Bubblor the Destroyer's underground evil lair. As Bubblor is about to activate his doomsday machine, Excelsior eats him, enjoying his bubble-gum taste.
• Bubblor the Destroyer causes indigestion, causing Excelsior to double over and implode.
• Norman enjoys a salty, greasy potato chip at home before being sucked into the black hole that has now emerged near the center of the earth.
• The earth, moon, solar system, Milky Way galaxy, and all other known matter in the universe are sucked into the Black Sheep Hole, ending the existence of all life or potential thereof for all eternity.

Conclusion:

Frankly, I am apalled at Yurivich's lack of total research on this project. Clearly, he forgot or ignored several important points, which are vital indeed to the ultimate outcome of the situation. In conclusion, it is clear that no matter what happens, the world will soon be destroyed by the implosion of an Irish sheep.

There is one way to avert this disaster, however - Norman, when purchasing his chips, must stand on one foot, spin in place three times counter-clockwise, repeat the phrase "I do not feel better than I did last Monday!" four times, and stare for one minute at a nearby rock. After this is completed, he may safely purchase his chips, and the disaster will be averted, humanity saved, blah blah blah.

-Dr. Floyd H. Shkletzinheimer, Doctor Of All Things and Superior Theorist