Computers - Is the Main Ingredient Pure Evil? By Charles Anderson

Hello again, readers. This is Charles Anderson here, roving reporter for the Reality Syndicate. Over the past month or so I've been diving deep into the story that software companies don't want you to know about. Bill Gates would have a coronary if this story got out and the to put it frankly, the stocks would plummet. That in mind, I felt it was my duty to expose this story, and hopefully be the one responsible for the downfall of Western Civilization!

Rumors have been circling the planet that computers were conceived from pure evil back in the fifties. The fear has always been there, but only now has the evidence shown up. Here are only a few occurrences that can account to the evils of computers:

• Exploding Monitors
• Electrocutions
• Extremely slow Internet log-on times
• Childish name-calling

The son of the secretary of the father of the lawyer of the assistant to one of the advisors of the President of the United States (yes, the actual president!) agreed to an interview on this matter. This man is known as Dan Ilaqua (pictured here), and he had this to say:

	Hello Dan. Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
	No problem, um... Charles is it?
	<ahem> Mr. Anderson.
	Oh, ok.
	Now, you own a computer?
	No, but I work at the local Radio Shed so I'm around them all day.
	Have you ever seen any acts of violence perpetrated by a computer? Anything that can be considered "evil?"
	One time I spilled my Coke on a new laptop we just got in. It started to spark and almost set fire to some nearby papers. Frankly, I believe this computer was a pyromaniac and put my life in danger.
	Fascinating.
	Yeah, and there was another time when my buddy Jim and I got drunk and passed out in my other friend Larry's basement.
	I see. This has what to do with computers being evil?
	Oh, sorry. Forgot what we were talking about.
	Yeah... Well I'm starting to lose my patience here. Are there any more anecdotes of relevance you'd like to share?
	Oh, sure. Another time I was in the middle of downloading a song I'd been looking for a long time, when the computer just shut off completely! I mean, how cruel is that!?
	That's pretty cruel.
	Yeah, and let me say I smacked Jim pretty hard for tripping over the cord and pulling it out of the wall.
	<sigh> I think I've heard enough.
	Hey, thanks for interviewing me!
	Yeah, whatever.

After a few more similar (and equally unsuccessful) interviews, including Dan's "buddies" Jim and Larry, I decided it was time to attack this problem at the source: The Computer Companies. I caught up with Mr. Timothy Sniff (pictured here), Software Developer for Computrode, a very popular computer company. Here's what he had to say:

	Good Evening, Mr. Sniff. Now, you work for Computrode, a popular computer company, correct?
	What are you doing in my living room?
	I'm an investigative reporter and I've been analyzing the story that computers are evil. As an "insider," do you have any comments on this speculation?
	I'd like you to leave, now.
	Getting hostile will only give your company, and the computer industry as a whole, a bad image.
	I'll give you until the count of three, then I'm calling the police.
	If computers are evil, are they any real danger to the people who use them?
	One...
	If computers are evil, are they like that naturally or are they programmed to be sinister?
	Two...
	Getting off topic a little, who do you think will come out on top in the NHL Western Conference Finals, the Avs or the Blues?
	Three...
	Thank you for your time!

The evidence is all too clear. Not only are there armies of disgruntled consumers, but the representatives of companies seem to have issues with invasions of their personal space. Until we here at the Syndicate find a way to move the courts into action and put a stop to the evil, nothing is protecting you, the consumer from being, oh, say... strangled by a mouse cord, force fed 3.5 inch floppy disks, or crushed by an oversized spam email. Only knowledge can help you now.

Those computer manufacturers will pay.

-Charles Anderson
Roving Reporter