Syndicate Headlines: Jul. 18, 2002 By Charles Anderson, Roving Reporter

DROWSY FACTORY WORKER OPERATES HEAVY MACHINERY WITHOUT INCIDENT
Millions Not Altogether Shocked By Uneventful Experience

ABOVE: Fred Doddering surveys his night's work with his manager, Sir Reginald Bedfordshire III.

BILLINGS, MO - On the evening of July 5, 2002, factory worker Fred Doddering came down with what has been widely considered as a 'nasty head-cold', possibly as a result of his wild partying on the night of July 4th. Desperate to ease his ailment in the fastest manner possible, he ingested nearly half a bottle of Night-Cure™ brand cold medicine before reporting to his graveyard-shift job operating a large forklift in the local ThatCola™ factory. Despite the clear warning on the bottle's label stating that one should "Not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Night-Cure™'s sinister hypnotic trance", Mr. Doddering proceeded to drive his forklift from aisle to aisle, lifting boxes off the shelves and placing them on the ground, as well as lifting boxes from the ground and placing them on the shelves.

Walter Duke, a co-worker and close friend of Doddering's, was present at the time of the incident. "Fred seemed just fine to me," he explained, "You never would have known the guy was on drugs. What a shame." According to Duke's account of the evening, Doddering remained active and alert for his full standard 10-hour shift, operating several heavy machines including the forklift, a different forklift, a large soda machine in the break room, and a third and separate forklift. "We use the forklifts a lot," Duke stated.

ABOVE: Missouri, where many citizens neither live nor have visited.

Public outcry over the incident has been surprisingly small, considering the ominous implications the situation implies. Few people interviewed had even heard of Fred Doddering, much less the lack-of-incident on the night of July 5, 2002. "I've never even been to Missouri, I live in Seattle," explained one citizen, who lives in Seattle and has never been to Missouri.

Fred Doddering was unavailable for comment, until his work shift ended, at which point he spoke with us openly. "I didn't think it was such a big deal, I guess I just didn't take enough of the stuff for it to really have an effect on me," Doddering protested, "I also drank a lot of water before work, if that means anything. And steak."

Upon returning home, Fred Doddering was once again unavailable for comment.