Fish
Speak Out Against Creation Philosophies
By Yurivich Gruskenvald |
 |
 Happy
greetings, animal friends. Today I come to you with a story that's been
sending shockwaves through the physical and metaphysical world, and has
ichthyologists and theologists reeling! Fish all over the world have begun
speaking their minds on this delicate matter. It was once thought that
these aquatic chordates had no views on the subject, but in recent years
have become progressively outraged. Well, before we begin, take
a look at these:
 
The Jesus Fish
and the Darwin Fish. These little guys have been around
for some time, plastered on bumpers and painted just about anywhere proud
Christians and Evolutionists can find the space. The only real difference
between the two is that one has legs, implying he does more walking/running.
Yet, for some unknown reason, these two symbols represent polar opposite
ends of a war of words and ideas.
 Enter:
the Fish. I mean plural, as in all of the fish, not just one fish.
A fish is an animal
that swims in a brook. He can't write his name or read a book. Or can
he? Recently fish have been elevating their awareness through literacy
programs, higher learning institutions, and yoga. Nowadays your common
large mouth bass has a lot to say! Pictured left is Wanda Duffey, recently
elected Governor of the twelfth Atlantic district, former representative
of the Continental Shelf Congress, and leading spokesfish in the ichthious
fight against negative symbolism. Here's what she had to say at a press
conference on Monday:
| "Speaking
on behalf of my fellow fish, I'd like to address the blatant use of
our streamlined body form in countless religious and philosophical
propaganda. The 'Jesus' and 'Darwin' fish mock our physical form.
I don't recall any theologists consulting representatives from the
rivers and oceans before creating such symbols. We fish are fed up
with our form being mocked against our wishes, and litigation is the
only natural course of action at this time." |
Wanda proceeded to
take a few questions from the limited number of press that attended the
conference.
But do these fish have
a valid argument? Furthermore, what do the heads of the two major factions,
Charles Darwin and Jesus Christ, have to say? Fortunately, as Dr. Darwin
recently became the newest Syndicate Mascot,
he wasn't hard to track down for comment:
|
 Charles
Darwin - Father of Evolution:
"Wha?
Who? Ha! Hoooo.... beeble boff neb gort?!? <ahem> I
feel that 'The A-Team' should make a comeback. Remember that show?
I loved B.A. and Face! And I don't think those guys are exactly
busy nowadays... I mean, Mr. T doing phone commercials? There's
no justice! ARGH!!! Fleep."
|
Darwin's cryptic comments
didn't sit well with the local fish activists groups, who proceeded to
start petitions to oust Darwin from history books. Jesus, on the other
hand, was unavailable for comment, though we did receive a message from
a member of his PR staff:
|
 Speaking
on Behalf of Jesus Christ - Lord and Savior:
"At
this time the Lord and Savior is very busy appearing in tortillas
in Mexico for various reasons. However, He would like to
bless you with His
divine grace and hope you accept Him into
your heart. Please read your bible and buy Jesus Fish to help spread
His gospel. Him. Amen."
|
Similarly, fish activists
were not pleased with this correspondence either.
However, are we trying
to get answers from the right people? After all, Christianity and Evolutionism
are not the only schools of thought that use the fish in one form or another
as an icon. In fact, Islam, Hinduism, Egyptian Mythology, Nagalistism,
Floogismism, and even Scientology sport aquatic logos, to name a few.
Are they responsible for this bastardization of fish as well?
ISLAM |
HINDU |
EGYPTIAN |
NAGALISTISM |
FLOOGISMISM |
SCIENTOLOGY |
These are only six
of the countless other religions, sciences, philosophies, and hallucinogen-borne
ideas that are represented by fish. Our sources even indicate that a new
cult, conceived in Missouri and having recently moved to Colorado, makes
use of the Ballyhoo fish to lure innocent minds into the insanity of its
twisted dogma. Is no fish safe?
Fishkind will continue
this fight for liberation from icon bondage, but as many influential aquatic
leaders end up served to their adversaries as a fillet, only time will
tell if their efforts prove fruitful. Fight bravely, fish brethren.
-Yurivich
Gruskenvald, Hugger of Trees and Kisser of Shrubs
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