Syndicate Headlines: Feb. 15, 2002 By Charles Anderson, Roving Reporter

FOOTBALL HERO TRAGICALLY INJURED IN 75-CAR PILEUP
23 Orphans, 12 Newlyweds, Prime Minister of Canada Killed

SAN FRANCISCO , CA - Beloved football hero and universal role model Nick Budman was shaken yesterday after heroically walking away from a horrific accident involving 75 vehicles on the Harrison Bridge just east of San Francisco. Mr. Budman, best known as "good ol' #14", everyone's favorite halfback for the San Francisco Rangers, suffered grievous injuries to both his left ring finger and right kneecap. "When the cars started slamming into the back of my huge black pickup truck, I was jolted slightly and bumped my finger against the dashboard. The hits kept coming, and I scraped my knee on the edge of a Big Gulp lid in the cupholder, but by then my system had already been numbed to the pain because of the horrible trauma."

According to an eyewitness, Mr. Budman was traveling at an admirable rate of 45 miles per hour above the speed limit when he cut heroically across 4 lanes of busy traffic in order to pass a slow-moving car in front of him, which was traveling at a mere 85 mph. The ridiculously slow speed of the car confused one passerby. "I can't understand why somebody would drive so slowly, especially in front of such a legend as Nick Budman. Everbody should pull over when football players drive by, just like ambulances. Then maybe they wouldn't get hurt."

When Mr. Budman had completed his 4-lane change, a group of cars behind him irresponsibly smashed into the back of his monstrously large, testosterone-fueled truck by continuing forward at the rate they were already traveling. "Some people are so stupid," observed one eyewitness. "When somebody cuts you off and then slams on their brakes, you're supposed to swerve out of the way and wave politely. Anything else would just be rude. Especially if you're talking about a football legend like ol' 14."

The force of the impact gently jostled Mr. Budman, at which time he sustained his horrible injuries, both physical and psychological. 116 other people were also injured, and 42 were found dead. Allegations by one involved driver that Mr. Budman was at fault for the accident were laughed at and thrown away. "Imagine, the nerve of some guy insinuating that Nick Budman could possibly be at fault for anything," said longtime Rangers fan and SFPD lietenant Frank Dregman. "I once saw Budman run the ball 43 yards into the endzone, right past 6 guys. Has this eyewitness guy done that? I don't think so. Also, they give you all kinds of drugs in the Intensive Care Unit. This guy's probably higher than a kite right now, he doesn't know what he's talking about."

Concerned citizens from all over the country have voiced their support for the victim of this tragic accident through cash donations and letters of comfort. "I sent Nick Budman my life savings," explains Betty Neuington of Los Angeles. "I used to donate to churches and homeless shelters, but finally there's a cause I can really feel good about helping." So far the Nick Budman fund has grossed over 6.4 billion dollars, fully twice the amount earned by all other charities combined in an average year. "The turnout is truly miraculous," said Rev. Bill Lestwig, a pastor at a local San Francisco church, "but through all this confusion and hype, it's easy to forget who the real victims are here. I ask that everyone please pray for the millions of NFL fans who will be startled by this horrible tragedy."

Televised services for the 42 killed will air after the Rangers-Stallions game at 4:00 Sunday, provided the game does not go into overtime.