Tips
For a Dirt Cheap Holiday
By Yurivich Gruskenvald |
 |
 Happy
Holidays, Syndicate fans! If you're like me, you make a whole lot of money
for doing practically nothing and choose to hoard your money in an amazingly
large jar hidden deep beneath the foundation of your house in a shelter
you constructed because you were positive Y2K was going to cause
some sort of global, or at least continent wide catastrophe. Also, if
you're truly like me, you really hate having to climb down the
75 foot ladder just to make a withdrawal from your hoarding jar.
 Well,
here's some good news. This holiday season you'll only worry about descending
into your pit of solitude once and only once! When you know how
to spend wisely on Christmas gifts, it's a snap and you'll have plenty
left over for buying canned goods and bottled water (hey, Y3K is only
998 years away!). Take a look at some of my personal recommendations to
give a lot while spending nil this December!
Gift Suggestions
That Won't Drain Your Wallet
- The Gift of Love
-
 |
|
Folks,
this is a cheap as it gets! You could go as far as a box, a spring,
and a piece of paper with some ink on it (as shown here) or do as
little as just telling somebody you love them. No cost, and it's
sensitive, which translates to chicks will love it!
With zero potential preparation time and no cost, you'd be stupid
not to give this gift!
|
-
Part of an Expensive Toy -
|
Your
son wants a freakishly expensive toy, right? Thinking about buying
it for him? Forget that! Imagination is the key to fun, so try getting
just part of the toy, and your child can fill in the rest
of it with his underdeveloped brain. Take the lead of the gifts
I've prepared shown here: the right arm of
an Action Dan Aqua Ranger doll, the
pointy pen-type thingy from a Palm Top computer, and
a light bulb for a Simple-Bake Oven.
|
|
|
-
A "Lucky" Rock -
 |
|
To
buy cheap, one must think cheap. What's something lying around
the planet, completely free? Rocks. Rocks are abundant and
just seem to get in the way. This season, try finding a rock that
doesn't look too much like other rocks and wrap it up. When the
confused recipient asks why you decided to give them a stupid rock,
claim the rock is "lucky" because it "saved you life"
when you were "running from the FBI last spring." If your
family is anything like mine, the person should be overjoyed at
having something that will bring them luck on their next bout with
the feds!
|
-
27 Cubic feet of Plastic, a Hammer, and a Chisel -
|
Hammers
and Chisels aren't too cheap, but cheap enough at your local hardware
store. Along with them, 27 cubic feet of raw plastic is a great
way to give someone whatever they want and stimulate their
creative side! Encourage them to forge their ideal toy from the
mighty cube. After all, why are you giving them stuff for free?
Let them make their own stupid present!
|
|
|
-
Tokens From a Children's Pizza Place -
 |
|
Pictured
here are tokens for Charles T. Cheese, a local children's pizza
place in my home town. These things tend to build up for some people
after they go for a night of anchovies and arcade games and don't
blow all their tokens since the jet ski racing game is busted. Consider
these coins like little round gift certificates, since they're as
good as money but are only valuable in one establishment.
|
 Gift
giving these season with a true sense of cheapness should run the average
Joe around five or six dollars, considering the average Joe has about
twenty seven people on his shopping list. Oh, an that number includes
gas too. Ladies and gentlemen, this is truly the best way to shop
for people this December! I hope you take my advice because you'll need
all the money you have soon.
Trust me. Fear the
future.
-Yurivich
Gruskenvald, Animal Psychologist, Paranoid Psycho, and Complete and Utter
Cheap Skate.
|
