Slashers of the Silver Screen By Mr. Fred, Professional Zombie

Well readers, it's about Halloween again! For our two worlds, the living and the dead, this means several different things. For example, a living child might dress up in a silly outfit mocking some friends of mine and traipse door to door demanding candy from strangers. A dead child, on the other hand, would typically rise from the grave in order to point a bony, decaying finger and laugh at such a situation. I mean seriously folks, to the dead you people with your functioning circulatory systems look like a bunch of wannabes this time of year!

But I digress. Today I wish to talk to you flesh creatures about one of the only facets of the living world that gets anywhere near accurate in its portrayal of the world of the dead: Hollywood Slasher Films! I must say, most of zombiekind is more or less addicted to the classic blood and guts horror flick. Unbeknownst to most of the living, All classic slasher film monsters and villains are based upon real residents of the underworld such as myself (though I don't have my own movie yet. I'm not bitter. Shutup.)

For a Halloween "treat" (see, like trick or treat... you get it, it's like... shutup.) I tracked down some of my fellow undead who have had their stories immortalized by Hollywood. There were several ghosts, ghouls, goblins, and other "g" creatures to choose from, so narrowing down my search to only to the most famous and certainly most horrifying monsters was a careful process. In this article, for your information and entertainment, I'll be interviewing the classic and world renowned monstersFrankenstein, Freddy Kruger, Jason Vorhees, and of course, Ted Danson.

Frankenstein	Freddy Kruger	Jason Vorhees	Ted Danson

and me...
Mr. Fred

THE INTERVIEW

		Gentlemen, thanks for sitting down with me in this interview. I really appreciate it and I'm sure my readers do to.
		My pleasure STUPID PIECE OF @#&%!!!
		My apologies Mr. Fred, you must forgive my contemporary Mr. Kruger. He suffers from the affliction of Coprolalia, a rare form Tourette's Syndrome resulting in vocal projections of socially unacceptable material, which is actually apparent in approximately 1.5% of all undead serial killers.
		Why thank you for clearing that up, Frankenstein! I was pretty shocked at that sudden outburst. Also, may I say your British accent makes you sound quite dignified?
		Why, you certainly may. Oh, and please, call me Francis.
		Thanks Frank, I hate to have to MOTHER%$*#@ explain my &#X@% disease. Sorry. *cough*
		¡Il est nécessaire pour M. Kruger montre sa bouche!
		Um, was that French?
		Why yes it was! It appears Mr. Vorhees speaks Français!
		And you do as well?
		Um, no.
		¡Je parle Français!
		Well, why don't we just get the ball rolling, hmm? Freddy, how do you feel about your portrayal in the movies?
		Well Fred $&%@X THE &$%X#@, I must say that I find my portrayal to be quite $#&X)&@ BASTARD WITH A #@&%$!!! *cough* Additionally, I'd like to add that &$#%@!$ GARDENHOSE ON A !#@$&#X FOR YOUR $#&@$# YOU STUPID #@&%$@ @)&!$%!!!!!
		¡Sacrebleu! ¡Telle langue!
		Hey, you guys, I hate to interrupt, but—
		Just a moment, Ted. Jason, did you have something to add the Fred's statement?
		Je ne comprends vous... Je veux jouer plus d'hockey.
		I daresay this language barrier is quite impenetrable.
		Francis, how do you feel about your portrayal?
		Quite honestly, I am a tad disheartened at how the honorable Mr. Karlov interpreted my wardrobe. As a gentleman of the evening I pride myself of dress far superior to that.
		Now look, I don't mean to be—
		Mr. Danson, please. Francis currently has the floor. Proceed, Francis.
		Your moderation is quite obliged, Mr. Fred, but I have expounded upon all that I intended to say.
		Great, can I talk now?
		Mr. Danson, I was just about to direct my attention to—
		FLYING &$@#X#$ GREEN LENGTH OF &$#@$# ON FIRE WITH @#$%#?@X$ DICK CHENEY AND A @*$%@X!!!!!
		Um... So Ted, you're often regarded as one of the greatest slasher film villains of all time. How do you—
		Now, now hold on there zombie guy. This is what I was talking about... See, I'm not in horror movies. I'm a television actor, and even there I do my main work in sitcoms.
		Mr. Fred, I believe Mr. Danson is only being modest. Mr. Danson, you needn't continue your act, appreciated as it may be.
		Act? I, but...
		Mr. Danson... Ted, if I may call you Ted, we're all very big fans of your work.
		Wait, now see I've never done any horror films. I don't belong here. I don't even know how I got here...
		Your work on "Cheers" was nothing short of superb, Mr. Danson.
		"Ink," though %$&X@! short-lived, was a great $%#@>? series.
		J'ai apprécié "Becker" beaucoup.
		Wait... See those are all shows I've done. None of that was horror—
		Mr. Danson, it's clear that even your fellow slasher flick greats look up to you.
		Alright, I need to get back to L.A., you guys. Zombie guy, I'm not who you think I am, I think. Frankenstein—
		Francis.
		Francis, whatever... I think you need to go back to England or something. Freddy, your movie was pretty scary, but your sequels weren't that great. Have that Tourette's checked up or something. And Jason...
		¿Oui?
		Uh, learn the language, pal. See you guys later, I guess.

At that point Ted Danson made his way back up out of the crypt and started walking down the adjacent highway. Sadly, none of us even squeezed autograph out of him.

Well, this Halloween just bear it mind that some of your favorite and most fearsome slasher stars might be surprisingly well educated, touched with a tragic disorder, French, or too "modest" to have the common courtesy to stick around and complete an interview. I mean, I accommodated him with some of my best hors d'oeuvres, which he just scarfed down, and then he took off. And the jerk left the crypt door open—did he die in a barn or something?!?

Come to think of it, I don't like Ted Danson that much anymore.

- Mr. Fred
Professional Zombie