Mastication Breakdown By Mr. Fred, Professional Zombie

Greetings, culinary connoisseurs! I've returned to Syndicate writing with this article after I've noticed a shocking trend on the rise in the dining scene. I'll not bore you readers with details on my life to date as most of them involve working on my cook book, rampaging feeding frenzies preying on living brains with my buddies, and a newly developed interest in rock climbing. No, let's just dive right in.

People, teeth are becoming obsolete. Bold statement, yes, but it's true. As a zombie with his dead finger on the living pulse of the culinary world, it's as plain as day. All across the globe people are making the transition from a solid food diet to one of liquid, but not giving up the foods they love. By chopping, mashing, and blending delicious fatty snacks into a hearty shake-like beverage, many people have found a new efficient way to gorge themselves.

The concept is simple, and almost any food can be blended into liquid form. From albacore tuna sandwiches to steak grilled Zurich style, the menu and the options are endless. Hypothetically, anything edible can be puréed into a mush that can be easily slurped through a straw. Many restaurateurs find this trend annoying and bad for business as customers accustomed to a liquid diet simply won't pay for a solid meal. On the other hand, many food service industry king pins are tapping into the fluid boom by offering entire menus in both solid and liquid form.

The numbers associated with the blend trend paint a clear picture of how this fad has grown over the years. Shown in the graph at right, the blue line represents the furious rise in blender sales, especially after the dry foods craze of '83. The red line shows the steady decline in the toothpick and dental floss industry, dropping from an all-time high of $4.7 billion to a devastating $1.1 billion per year. The green line represents the gross sales of stained glass hubcaps, which even though has no bearing on food fads, saw an impressive jolt of business in 1995.

So how has this craze affected society? In recent decades, thousands of jobs in the denture and gum care industries have been eliminated, leaving workers cold and ironically hungry. Although blender technology job opportunities have been sprouting like weeds, most are snatched up by fresh-faced college students with a keen education in the mixture sciences. Some old denture craftsmen and floss spindlers attempt a hand at blender manufacturing but have difficulty grasping the complex principles involved in swirling blades.

And what of the dental ramifications? Several top minds in the dental field are worried that a prolonged absence of solid food in the mouth will give teeth the impression that their job is done, leaving the affected person with a sort of "jaw retirement." From cute, tiny baby teeth to grizzled old wisdom teeth, the enamel wears away and the chompers settle in for a life of swimming through meals. Returning to solid food becomes near impossible, leaving afflicted men and women with the curled in lips that people make when impersonating old people. Only this time, it's for real.

Regardless, the "blend trend" is here and looks as if it's here to stay. So, in order to help you readers hop onto the bandwagon like lemmings off a cliff, I've provided a happy recipe that involves just a bit of mashing, just a bit of blending, and a whole lot of fun!

Mr. Fred's Revolting Slurry Purée

Necessary ingredients for one heaping bowl:

Blood (Human) - 5 cups Teeth (Human) - 40 to 60 count Brains (Human) - 1/2 adult (5 lbs.) Eyes (Human) - 10 to 15 count

Cheese - Brie, 1 large package Sewage - 2 cups Eggs - 4 count Salt - Just a pinch!

Step 1

Dump blood and sewage into a large serving bowl. Mix vigorously for at least five minutes, then let stand for twenty minutes to a half hour; just long enough to let the liquid congeal and solidify a tiny bit.

Step 2

Using a blender, blend eggs, cheese, eyes, and half brain together until liquid. Allow no chunks larger than a pebble, otherwise consumption with a straw will be difficult! Using a hammer or other blunt object, crush teeth into a fine powder. Once again, a thorough job to prevent large chunk sizes is crucial.

Step 3

Add your blended mixture and your tooth powder to the bowl of blood-sewage. Stir until well mixed, then add your pinch of salt. Too much can ruin this dish, but just the right amount will tease your decaying palette. Serve chilled in a glass, thermos, bucket, or trough. Enjoy!

Well, I trust you can keep that down. Until next time, whatever state of matter you favorite dish may take, happy eating!

- Mr. Fred
Professional Zombie