Pioneering Medical Techniques By Dr. Floyd H. Shkletzinheimer

Hello friends, Dr. Floyd H. Shkletzinheimer here with an informative and remarkable series of new medical techniques to present to you. By 'series', of course, I mean 'two'. Nonetheless, however, they are fantastic and other such adjectives, so read on and be amazed by what medical science can do.

First on our list is Pigment-Implemented Pain Reduction Therapy, or PIPRT. I'm sure you've all seen those commercials for pain relief medications, the ones where lightning shoots out of a patient's stomach or a glowing red ball invades a headache sufferer's head. Well, that principle led to the development of this amazing new technology.

As you can see in the picture to the left, this patient is suffering from some sort of red glowing pain, most likely a sore throat, indigestion, or series of objects lodged in his trachea. Traditional medicine would have suggested simple yet uneffective treatment options, such as a) a throat lozenge, b) anti-indigestion medication, or c) removal of the objects lodged in the trachea. However, new technology renders these options both useless and ridiculously stupid.

Thanks to PIPRT, that uncomfortable redness can be removed simply by painting over it with another color! That's right, just like you've seen in so many commercials, spraying green or blue paint onto a patient's body in problem areas can reduce pain or eliminate it altogether.

All over the world, doctors are training for this bold new technique. Using any form of pigment transference, as simple as a can of spraypaint, medical technicians are able to cure a wide range of ailments, from mild irritation and chronic itching to a broken limb or ruptured organ. The image to the right gives us a look at the intricate training method doctors must undergo to be certified to practice PIPRT. This particular intern is practicing the application of blue paint, suitable for the treatment of cuts, bruises, and fractures. Note the precision and accuracy with which the future doctor performs the treatment.

Not all practicioners of PIPRT are certified doctors, however - certain brave and/or wreckless civilians have taken to painting their own bodies in an effort to reduce pain, soothe nausea, or unlodge objects from their trachea. The fellow to the left is foolishly attempting to relieve his chest and shoulder ache with white paint, proven in laboratory tests to be highly ineffective in covering up glowing red pain. Rather than cure the ailment, mixing white paint with red pain merely results in the creation of pink irritation, often associated with itching and burns.

I advise any of you who wish to administer PIPRT to your own body to consult a certified doctor first, and to have at least one friend present to help you decide which colors of paint are 'blue' or 'green'. Inaccurate application of colors can be painful or disastrous.

Another pioneering technique was presented to me only recently, and as such I was only able to obtain one picture of this phenomenon. As you can see to the right, the glowing finger technique so many children and adults grew to love thanks to the Steven Spielberg classic E.T. is finally making its way into the doctor's office. This particular doctor is instructing this patient, probably named Mabel or something like that, to heal her own sinus infection with an outstretched, glowing finger, while uttering words such as 'Ouch' in a raspy, frightening voice.

These exciting medical breakthroughs, while not actually exciting to me, should excite you, the average and uneducated public, since they represent easy, affordable health care available to everyone. Well, no, not really, I just thought that might be funny to say.

- Dr. Floyd H. Shkletzinheimer
Professional Doctorologist