Midnight is Too Late! By Mr. Fred, Professional Zombie

Dear Reality Syndicate,

Everybody knows about the schedule of the undead - we sleep all day, especially when the sun is out, and then wait until the stroke of midnight and rise from the grave to wreak havoc on nearby villagers or farm animals. Then, when the sun is about to come back up, we return to our graves, moaning out of disappointment and indigestion. This is the way it has been since anyone can remember.

But recently I had a thought as I was chewing on the brain of a victim - Midnight is not a very efficient time to begin our wandering: We get only a few hours to cause panic and chaos, and that's simply not enough! During certain months, we only get 4 or 5 hours! This is unacceptable.

I realize, of course, the old tradition of the dead walking the earth at the exact stroke of midnight - after all, I'm not braindead. Just otherwise dead. But frankly, it's quite depressing to terrorize innocent citizens under so much time pressure. I'm always thinking to myself, "Should I eat this cow? Will that leave me enough time to chase a few pigs? And what about Daylight Savings time?", etc.

I'm sure I'm not the only minion of Satan who is bothered by this inconvenience - infact, several of my colleagues have mumbled quietly to me about how they don't have enough to eat, or how their legs get cramped from laying in a grave all day in an awkward position. Inspired by my fellow corpses' plight, I decided to take matters into my own bony, fleshless hands.

I recently talked to my regional supervisor about the idea of perhaps extending our period of "zombie-ing", but I was rashly denied. My idea, you see, was to begin our roaming parade of death around 9 or 10 PM (as long as it was dark), therefore providing at least another 2 hours of feeding time! Brilliant!

But he would have nothing of it. Instead, he mumbled about how his hernia was already acting up thanks to the amount of walking we do now. I tell you, it is sometimes hard to be an unholy abomination of the earth.

My only choice at that point was corporate advertising. So, I decided to find someplace where I could tell my story without being poked with pitchforks and torches. After months of tedious searching, I finally came across the Reality Syndicate, which offers free article publishing! Joy! I can't express how convenient this was, since the undead are usually pretty strapped for cash.

So I ask you, my friends who still happen to be living - please help me in my crusade for earlier feeding times! You can make a difference! Talk to your local mayor or governor: together we can move mountains! Oh, by the way, I promise that those who assist in the effort will not be devoured in the subsequent onslaught.

Thank you for your help!

Mr. Fred
Professional Zombie