New Movie Reviews By Roy Bitterman

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Roy Bitterman and I've been hired by the Syndicate to provide some much-needed popular culture material, namely Movie Reviews! My new job is to go watch all the newest movies and provide in-depth analysis and unbiased criticism of everything I see. I always dreamed of being a published movie critic, and although my dream involved being paid for my work, this opportunity is still greatly appreciated!

Unfortunately, I'm completely broke at the moment, so I can't really afford movie tickets. But don't worry, I've managed to find a way around things: I'll be reviewing movies based on previews I see on TV and what people have told me about them! Okay, let's get on with it, shall we?

First of all, I saw a preview the other day for a movie called Maid In Manhattan which featured the song "I'm Coming Out" by somebody I can't remember. Oh, it was also in that belly-button commercial, though. Anyway, it has Jennifer Lopez in it, so maybe it's good, because she's been in a lot of movies, and she must be doing something right to be featured that many times. Maid In Manhattan also features Ralph Fiennes, who if I remember correctly is another great actor, so I'm sure his performance is astounding.

From what I can tell, the story is about a simple girl working as a maid somewhere besides Manhattan (Lopez), who meets a dashing, handsome man (Fiennes). Then her three sassy friends help her, through several dress-fitting montages, to look glamorous and wonderful, and discover her true inner beauty or something. Oh, and maybe she moves in with Ralph Fiennes in his apartment in Manhattan, like it says in the title. I think also he gives her a rose and poses in front of a mirror with her, like in the movie poster to the right. There's a touching scene on a park bench where Jennifer Lopez sits on a magazine and laughs about it too, but I don't really know what that's supposed to be about.

Overall this movie seems light-hearted and funny, but also maybe touching and poignant. I think there's probably some kind of moral involved, so maybe it would be a good movie to take your kids to. Maid In Manhattan scores a total 8.5 out of 10.

Next on our review list is The Hot Chick, starring Rob Schneider. My buddy Carl told me about this movie, he said it was pretty funny. I liked Rob Schneider a lot in that Animal movie and the one where he broke the aquarium, and pretty much every Adam Sandler film I've seen, so I'm sure it's good.

I saw a preview for this movie on TV a few days ago, but I didn't really pay attention to it. From what I remember, though, Rob Schneider plays a guy who turns into a girl, or a girl who turns into a guy. Whatever it is, he looks like a guy and acts like a girl. Like in one scene, he's in a bar, and orders a girly drink in a little, soft voice, and the bartender looks at him like he's crazy, then he says something about "Brewski", to seem more like a man. Also, he kicks some other guy in the groin, and there's a part where he hits a girl really hard with a pillow. Oh, and he falls down some bleachers, too.

I'm sure this movie is probably hilarious, and it might even be educational for people who are curious about getting a sex change or who want to learn about the differences between men and women while laughing a lot at people falling down. So, overall, The Hot Chick gets an 8.0 out of 10.

Just while I was typing that last review, I saw a preview for Catch Me If You Can, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks. Both of those actors are very well-known, and Tom Hanks won an Oscar, I think, for Survivor, where he played a crazy man with a volleyball stranded on an island. Oh, also, Leonardo DiCaprio probably won an Oscar for Titanic.

Anyway, back to this movie: It's set in the past a little while, I think maybe in the fifties or sixties. I can tell because of the tiny little gun Tom Hanks uses and that funny accent he has. The plot is centered around Leonardo DiCaprio running around all over the country and changing outfits, into things like a suit, a pilot's uniform, and suspenders. Meanwhile, Tom Hanks chases him and points his gun at things, while Leo strolls comfortably with pretty girls and throws money into the air. Also, there's one scene where a dollar bill floats around and Tom Hanks looks confused.

This movie looks pretty interesting, and with the likes of Tom Hanks in it, I'm sure the acting will be top-notch. I'm going to see it as soon as I get some money. Catch Me If You Can gets an overall rating of 9 out of 10.

One movie I've heard a lot about lately is Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, starring Harry Potter. I know that's not that kid's real name, but I don't know what else to call him, because the words on the poster are too small to read. The first Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, was very popular and everybody I know went to see it. They all loved it, so I'm assuming this one is probably very good as well.

The plot is most likely about some kind of Chamber of Secrets which Harry Potter finds and has to destroy or visit or something. He's holding a sword on the poster, so I bet there's some great swashbuckling action and adventure, maybe even pirates! Also, Hermione is kind of gazing at Harry on the poster, so I bet she falls in love with him, even though those kids are too young to know true love, and probably haven't even been to first base. That red-headed kid whose name I can't remember looks confused, so I bet he spends most of the movie the same way.

There's not much I can really say about this movie, except I'm sure that kids will love it! In fact, I bet they'll swarm to it like moths to a flame and probably buy all of J.J. Rewling's books and little action figures and stuff, too. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets gets an 8 out of 10.

Gangs Of New York also has Leonardo DiCaprio in it, which really confused me until I realized it's a totally different movie than Catch Me If You Can. It also features Cameron Diaz, who was in Charlie's Angels and some other movies where she acted really cute, and Daniel Day-Lewis, who I've never heard of. From what I've heard, the performances are very "intense" and "spellbinding" and other words like that.

This movie takes place in old New York, sometime before the 20th Century. Everybody wears really strange top-hats and worn-out trousers that remind me of Newsies. I think the plot is about two rival gangs, the Top Hat Gang and the Street Rat Gang. They fight all the time on the streets and the camera zooms around in mid-air. Leonardo DiCaprio and Cameron Diaz also have a great love scene, including a part where he kisses her right on the lips!

I get the idea that this movie is very adult-oriented, and it may psychologically damage any children who see it, so leave your kids at home! Gangs Of New York gets a solid 7.5 out of 10.

And finally, who could forget The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers, which is probably the highest-grossing film currently showing? This movie stars Elijah Wood, Liv Tyler, Ian McKellan, Orlando Bloom, Viggo Mortensen, and all kinds of other people that I don't recognize. I'm sure they're all wonderful actors, though.

The storyline is continued from the first Lord Of The Rings movie, which I think won a bunch of Oscars. Sauron, the big flaming eye, is trying to destroy the world, and Gandalf and a bunch of Hobbits and an elf or two travel around the world to fight hideous Orcs and a creepy little guy named Golum who says "Precious" all the time and jumps around like a demented frog. There are epic battles and dazzling magic and heartbreaking romance, and maybe we all learn a little about ourselves in the process. I have no idea, to be honest.

This movie seems very well-made, and all my friends were going nuts after seeing it, so The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers gets a wonderful 9.5 out of 10.

Well, that's it for now, until I start seeing some new commercials. Stay tuned to the Syndicate, and be sure to tell my bosses that you liked this article, so I can keep my job!

Roy Bitterman
Syndicate Movie Critic