Olympic Mammals Hit the Bull's Eye By Yurivich Gruskenvald

Greetings folks! It's a pleasure to be back writing for the Syndicate. I must say, the 2004 Summer Olympics are causing quite a stir in the world of animal psychiatry. Are you as excited for them as I? Perhaps after you read this article, your excitement may slightly increase!

In the past year an all-star team of mammals from around the world has formed an Archery Team to represent the non-human mammals of the planet at the games. Known as the Olympic Mammal Archery Team, they are expected to really shake things up in Athens, Greece, 2004. These furry folks are taken from four different countries and in a way are playing for the glory of their countries, but it's apparent through multiple interviews that these animals are after another step on the road to total mammal equality. Let's meet the team, shall we?

NAME: Donnie the Ram COUNTRY: United States FAVORITE FOOD: Mountain grasses and bushes HOME TOWN: Evergreen, CO Donnie was discovered when competing in a National Archery Association (NAA) State championship. He drew quite a bit of attention, being a ram as he was, but more importantly he blew the competition away without even using a compound bow. "I grew up in the mountains of Colorado. Grazing and archery were my two strong points. I guess shooting wood at things with more wood and some string just seemed like the thing to do."

NAME: Toby the Dalmatian COUNTRY: Sweden FAVORITE FOOD: ALFO Brand Puppy Chow™ HOME TOWN: Gröglryk Toby's owner had a used compound bow that she never used, so she gave it Toby. After months of practicing, Toby was able to use his paws to pick up the bow and aim. After only a few short years more, his skill has earned him a spot on this Olympic Mammal Archery Team. "I guess learning the parts of the target were hardest, being colorblind and all. Oh, and the not having opposable thumbs was a tough barrier to cross. I've made it this far though, and I believe in miracles!"

NAME: Unga the Gorilla COUNTRY: Namibia FAVORITE FOOD: Human brains, chocolate HOME TOWN: The Namibian Jungle Unga, the team star, is one powerful lady. She has been known to crush rocks with her bare hands and prefers to shoot a 400 lb. bow. Her brawn is no match for her skill, though, as she holds the current record for Excellence in Archery in four countries, including her own. Her spot on the team was found when she threatened an Olympic Scout committee to leave her territory of the jungle by shooting arrows to part their hair, as a warning. "I like to shoot. Takes time and kills things. Target is dead. Can't run from me. Ook ook."

NAME: Terry the Giraffe COUNTRY: Turkey FAVORITE FOOD: Caesar Salad with ranch dressing HOME TOWN: Zubro Terry came into a great deal of money in the eighties when his revolutionary new rubber band design went world wide. He'd always been a fan of archery, and after tackling his laughter and bladder control problems he got the confidence boost he needed to display his skills and earn himself a spot on the Olympic Mammal Archery Team. If you think Terry looks familiar, click here and read about the first time I met this tall bloke. "Sure, I've got plenty of money, but money is nothing without an Olympic Gold Medal! You can only buy so many before they lose their glamour, too. So now I'm determined to earn one for myself!"

Wow, what an all-star set indeed. Despite their tremendous archery skill, they are also practicing heavily to be present in the Winter Olympics of 2006. They've chosen the biathlon as their event and are determined to become worthy competitors. Buying rifles and skis will be no problem after all the publicity money they'll earn!

Now you may be interested in meeting these fuzzy creatures, and word has it they're going to begin an Archery Tour in the United States, Britain, Germany, and Japan to spread awareness. Contact your best source of Olympics information, because this is an event you don't want to miss!

On to Athens, and on to victory!

-Yurivich Gruskenvald, Animal Psychologist, and die-hard Olympic Fan!