Neutral Protesting is Sweeping the Nation By Charles Anderson

In the news today, at city capitols all across the United States and Europe, hundreds of thousands of people are gathering, placards in hand. Their repetitive chants ring in the ears of political leaders.

What are they protesting? Nothing at all. That's right, neutral protests are more popular than disco!

You may be asking yourself what the point of neutral protests are. We spoke with James Sinkhole, pioneer of the Neutral Protest Movement, or NPM.

Charles: So James, tell us how this movement began.
James: Well, I had just finished rallying against a new Senate bill in Washington and it was a week before I had another assembly for a tax levy, so I had nothing to do. I had been protesting so long that I no longer had a home, a job, or a car. I needed something to do, and fast.
Charles: So you continued to protest?
James: That's right. Since when does "protesting" have to involve something you're for or against? Why couldn't we protest without a cause? That's how the Neutral Protesting Movement got started.
Charles: And where did you start you neutral protests?
James: We started in Washington, small at first. We only had a few placards with slogans like "I'M OKAY WITH THIS BILL" and "IT DOESN'T MATTER THE OUTCOME OF THIS DISPUTE" on them. At first we were laughed at, but soon full time protesters that were getting bored with proactive conflict began to team up with me. The whole thing snowballed and, well... there you have it.
Charles: Fascinating. Thank you, and good luck to you!
James: My pleasure.

After a few weeks of gaining momentum, the NPM has reached most of Europe, Eastern Australia, and parts of the Far East. This movement is engulfing the planet, and with no purpose whatsoever.

If you'd like to join in the NPM, Mr. Sinkhole states, "Visit your local capitol and look for people already protesting nothing. Be sure to bring along a banner or placard with something stating your beliefs on a subject you're indifferent to. Learn the chant that's currently being shouted, and join in!"

Our sources at the Syndicate state that every city and state capitol in America have been completely overrun by NPM protesters. In some larger metro areas, riots have broken out resulting in violent smashing of windows and slashing of car tires. To make sure we report the whole side to this story, we interviewed Officer Carl Portman.

Charles: Tell us, Officer, how you first came in contact with the Neutral Protesting Movement.
Officer Portman: I was serving in Detroit at the fifth precinct. We got a call that a riot had broken out downtown over nothing. I didn't have time for questions, so I just got up and went.
Charles: What did you see when you arrived on scene?
Officer Portman: There must have been five hundred or so young people, setting fires and throwing trash cans. We tear gassed them and detained whomever we could for questioning.
Charles: And what information did you get out of the ones you detained?
Officer Portman: Strangely one of the ladies we brought into custody claimed the whole thing started as a protest about how some people liked cheese but some didn't. Makes no sense to me.
Charles: After that experience, what is your whole take on the NPM movement?
Officer Portman: Frankly I think these kids need jobs. There are some retired folks in there too, and they need jobs to. Everybody needs a job. Keeps you away from stupid stuff like this!
Charles: Thank you, Officer.
Officer Portman: No problem.

In this reporters opinion, the NPM movement is safe, as long as one refrains from getting involved in the ugly violent side of healthy neutral protesting. Parents, talk to your children about the pros and cons of the Neutral Protesting Movement before permitting them to join.

Charles Anderson
Roving Reporter, Reality Syndicate, Washington