I'm Proud to Introduce Me! By Spot

Hello, everybody, I'm sure you've never heard of me, and I suppose that's alright, because it's about to change. Yes, that's right, I am Spot, mighty warrior and bringer of rain, etc. etc.! Oh, I know what you're thinking: "What kind of name is 'Spot'? Isn't that a dog's name?"

Well, technically, of course, you are right - many dogs in modern times are, in fact named Spot - but what you don't seem to realize is that they are named after me! Yes, I am the original Spot, the alpha and omega of Spots, the Spot of all Spots and the Spot Prime, as well as other important-sounding titles!

Alright, now you're thinking "Yes, I do indeed acknowledge your great power - but who are you, exactly?" I would love to answer that question.

I was born a long time ago, long before the beginning of time, the Big Bang, and Crystal Pepsi. I'm told I was created as the sum of all the perfect elements, etc. etc., but all I really know is that I ended up 30 feet tall and standing around by some joker's hut (who called himself a "Creature Wrangler"... the nerve!), with a schizophrenic horse and this freaky monkey-looking thing with dredlocks.

This big levitating silver thing was floating over my head, spitting out glowing bits of who-knows-what, which I tried my best to avoid... Then the weird part came.

This monstrous disembodied hand, easily the size of my head, came flying over the horizon and pointed at me. It sat there for a second, and I shifted around nervously. I was about ready to pounce on the thing out of frustration when finally it moved above me and tapped the freaky silver paper thing. Then the "Creature wrangler" said out loud (to the sky, I thought he was crazy), "You need to bring your Creature here first."

Now, I was getting a little scared. I had no idea what he meant by that, and I didn't really want to find out. The horse to my left started flipping out, making his little noises like crazy. I wanted to slap him silly, and I tried, but I found I was unable to move. Needless to say, this didn't exactly calm the situation.

The fact that I could not unleash my Claws of Terror™ on him only added to my nervousness, until a huge ape lumbered over the horizon (okay, maybe he wasn't huge, but he was as tall as me, and I'm huge, so...) and stood next to me. He gave me this weird, sort of jealous look, and then things got freaky. This yellowish beam shot out from his chest and struck mine, and I was paralyzed in shock and extreme comfort. All of a sudden, all kinds of things started flying through my head - I figured out later that I was absorbing the monkey's knowledge... how cool is that?!?

Once the process was complete, I found I was a little taller as well as more intelligent - for example, I knew how to throw trees into the Village Store to help out the villagers, and how to try repeatedly to throw a teddy bear into the ocean. This level of knowledge had never before been achieved by yours truly! Since then, I've basically been learning all sorts of things, such as plans for world domination, classic literature, and how often I should devour villagers, growling menacingly as I gnash their frail bodies between my horrible jaws of doom.

So, life goes on, and I learn more each day - but stay tuned to this website, which will soon host another article by yours truly, and although I have no idea yet what it will be about, I guarantee it will have the same literary aptitude and deep moral significance as my previous works have. I thank you for your time.

-Spot