Treasure,
Treasure, Everywhere!
By Charles Anderson |
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 Schools,
roads, the "Army..." How is the government able to pay for so
many luxuries? Taxes? Yeah right. Face it, the numbers say that the United
States of America doesn't have the population to produce such staggering
amounts of money, and it seems the existing population doesn't seem to
keen on emptying its collective wallet for Uncle Sam. America is living
the Executive life style on a Bus Boy salary. How does she do it?
Treasure!
 That's
right, buried treasure equates approximately 65% of all government income,
as shown in this chart here:
Green:
Buried Treasure (65%)
Blue: Taxes, Income and Sales (22%)
Red: Money lent from other nations
after hinting at being broke (9%)
Yellow:
Money found under couch cushions in the Capitol (4%)
Recently this astonishing
economic fact has leaked into the press and Americans are learning the
truth. The first response is outrage, followed by acceptance, followed
by mild hunger and a little sleepiness. Eventually, however, Americans
will want to know how they can wet their beaks in buried treasure income.
First, one must understand
where buried treasure comes from. Treasure was usually the property of
pirates back in the Paleolithic Era that was stolen from royalty,
successful coin collectors, and other pirates. Buried treasure is located
in countless places around the globe, such as:
 And
the list goes on! Of course, the specifics of where large concentrations
of buried treasure can be found is more of a geological question than
a question of any other kind (including rhetorical and obvious). Some
geologists believe that over the eons of plundering, such amounts of gold
and silver pieces being put into the earth would eventually condense into
a layer, dubbed by modern science the Ricoshpere (sphere of riches).
Shown here in this artists conception, the Ricosphere sits comfortably
in between the layer of light brown stuff and the layer that looks like
it's probably hot lava.
Once average greedy
Joe American learns that a missive layer of expensive shiny things is
about three miles below the surface of the planet, he'll want to get down
there and claim what is undoubtedly not rightfully his. Good for
him! If you're anything like Joe American, you'll need to know what equipment
may come in handy when seeking treasure deep within the Earth.
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Dynamite
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Though
some may choose the path of honest digging, it is wisest to choose
the path of lazy destruction! With enough dynamite, a hole that reaches
all the way to the Ricosphere is inevitable. Just be careful you don't
run out of matches though, as it could prove disastrous to your mission. |
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Mining
Tools
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Hey,
what did I just say about Dynamite? You don't need tools that
require effort on your part to dig. A pick, however, does make
an excellent weapon to fend of the Giant Sub-Terrainean Mole Monsters.
They may be sightless, but their sense of taste is working well. Apparently
human is a delicacy down there. Don't go unprepared! |
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Treasure
Map
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Yes,
it's true, the layer of treasure does encircle the entire world. A
map is more or less useless. Should you happen to have one,
consider it a way of making a few extra bucks when you emerge from
the underworld with plenty of booty. Find a bar and convince a few
guys that you just used one of your many treasure maps to obtain the
gold you walked in with. They should believe the map is worth a fortune,
and you can then start the bidding at around $400. |
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Armed with this knowledge
of where buried treasure is and how to get it, remember the US doesn't
look kindly on those who take what they want from a primary source of
income. If you plan on getting a chunk of treasure in the near future,
try to cover your tracks as well as you can. Don't forget to fill in the
hole when you're done either; that's how the feds nail most of
their treasure hunters.
Happy salvaging!
Charles Anderson
Roving Reporter, Reality Syndicate
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