Silly Kids! Trix™ Are For SUCKERS! By T. Rabbit

This was me "back in the day". I hate this picture.

Alright, first things first. I know that most of you have seen me on TV commercials throughout your childhood and probably think I'm always smiling and bouncing around like an ignorant slob, scrambling endlessly for some stupid bowl of cereal. Well, that was the old me. I'm not proud of that time, but it's something I'm told I have to deal with, so here I am!

Just look at me in this old picture from one of my countless commercials... I've got a huge smile on my face, clenching my hands together in anticipated mirth, practically exploding with joy over a FREAKING BOWL OF CEREAL. Yeah, that's right. I'm staring amorously at a lousy bowl of Trix™. Let that sink in.

"But Mr. Rabbit, what kind of vapid dolt would go that crazy over a bowl of sugary cereal?", you are no doubt asking aloud. Well, I'll tell you what kind - the kind that's been BRAINWASHED over decades to believe that some crappy lumps of puffed corn with rainbow colors are the best things to happen since sliced bread.

Don't get me wrong, some people really like Trix™: but those people haven't spent their whole lives trying to get their grubby little hands on just one bowl of it! For so long, they all told me, "Trix™ is the corn cereal with the natural taste of fruit! You can't resist the fruity flavors! You want them more than ANYTHING in the world!" And after a while, I started to believe them.

This is a striking image about the injustice against rabbits of all kinds, especially those who are "silly".

I can't even remember the amount of times I gushed about those accursed fruity flavors: "Raspberry red, lemony yellow, orangy orange, grapity purple, lime green, wildberry blue, and watermelon" were literally haunting me. I used to have nightmares about giant grapity-grapes the size of boulders crushing me alive while cackling, "SILLY RABBIT!!! SILLY RABBIT!!!".

During one of my low points, I began fashioning crude Trix™ replicas out of food coloring and rolled up lumps of cardboard. I would spend days at a time making enough pieces to fill just one bowl, then dance around in my apartment like a lunatic for a while, gushing about how I'd "finally gotten my Trix™!!!" Then I'd try to eat the stuff and nearly choke to death. But just pretending to have Trix™ would make the pain go away, even if just for a little while. That's how pathetic I was.

But just wait, this story gets better. A few months ago, my dream came true. That's right: the rabbit finally got his fix. I mean Trix™. Of course, it was through no generosity of the General Mills corporation. Nooooo. I had to STEAL the freaking stuff. Remember all that costumed idiocy I kept trying? All the crazy get-ups and comical schemes designed to trick people into thinking I was a kid, just so I could have a taste of Trix™? Well, I learned pretty early on that I wasn't getting anywhere with that junk. No matter how clever a scheme I came up with, some random wormy kids would always expose me and PHYSICALLY TAKE the Trix™ from me, calling me a "silly rabbit" and asserting that Trix™ are just for kids.

The only recorded image of me making off with a box of Trix. I'm still not sure why exactly I stopped at the cash register.

For so long, I'd just fume for a while after each of these episodes, then dream up a new crazy plan. I knew they weren't going to work, I guess I just kept doing it because I didn't know anything else. I mean, I can't remember a time when I wasn't "working" for General Mills. Of course, it's more like slavery. But that's a story for another time. Well, this last job was different. I decided I needed to change my angle. No more messing around with pirate costumes and stupid kids. I needed to go professional. So I saved up my meager salary for a while, and spent a few G's at a local "specialty shop". Using my new "toys", I was able to lift a whole box of Trix™ from the convenience store down the street, and the only evidence they've got on me is this crappy security camera shot.

I was genuinely excited about my heist when I got home - I couldn't wait to finally taste the thing I had been striving for for almost 50 years. God, has it been 50 years... anyway, I opened up the box, poured myself a giant bowl, and took my first savory bite...

And HATED it. The stuff is just cereal! I was expecting ambrosia or heavenly manna or something: it's a bunch of puffed corn dyed different colors with faint flavoring. In fact, the stuff all tastes the same, there's no difference between "raspberry red" and "lemony yellow", except for the fact that one looks like an oblong lump and the other is some kind of weird bumpy triangle. Here I had been preaching for half a freaking century about all the "fruity flavors", and the stuff ends up tasting like a giant lump of sugar, lightly sprinkled with a tiny bit of tasteless puffy corn. I had just learned that my entire adult life up to this point was a complete and utter WASTE.

Needless to say, I was pretty angry. But of course, when I tried to get something, anything, from the General Mills Corporation, what did they tell me? You guessed it. "Silly rabbit, Trix™ are for kids!" They expected me to just go back to being my old doormat self. Well guess what, you corporate fat-cats! Here I am, making noise about this injustice! It's impossible to count the number of horrible things I had to endure during my time with that "company". It literally hurts to think about it.

I'm crying on the inside.

And don't even get me STARTED on discrimination issues. I had to sit and watch while hundreds of kids were openly handed bowls of deliciously fruity -- see, I'm doing it again -- of MEDIOCRE Trix™ cereal, then told to eat them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. The reason? I'm not a kid. I'm a rabbit. I can't begin to imagine how many labor laws that's in violation of. But I don't want to get political.

By the way, didn't anyone ever realize the sick irony of making me the spokesrabbit for Trix™, but NEVER LETTING ME TASTE IT?!? What marketing wizard came up with THAT gem? How am I supposed to accurately depict the quality of a cereal I've never eaten?!? Idiots.

I'm ashamed to know that for so long, I was an advocate of such a low-grade, mass-produced pile of slop. I was the unwitting puppet of the General Mills corporation, and for that I apologize to you, the masses. I implore you, stop the anti-rabbit discrimination, and stop supporting the grandiose delusions of cereals like Trix™. Yeah, more like "CRAP-RIX".

You know, that didn't work at all, I spent like an hour trying to come up with a way to combine the word "CRAP" and "TRIX", and nothing worked. See what they've done to my mind? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- T. Rabbit
EX-Professional Cartoon Mascot