Reality Syndicate - Guest Columns - Charles Anderson - Trusted Diet Plan Failing Citizens

Trusted Diet Plan Failing Citizens
By Charles Anderson

A recent study has put the long-utilized and forever-loved diet method promoted by soft-drink companies into question: Conducted in the University of Woodtown's Diet Fallacy Study Department by Dr. Martin Smithson, the study was put into motion in order to determine the true usefulness of the diet plan.

Cola companies such as PuppyCo and ThatCola had hoped to increase both company morale and public opinion by enacting the diet plan. Says Richard T. Fizz of ThatCola: "Ever since the Spoke incident a few years ago, public opinion of ThatCola, Inc. has been rapidly declining. We designed this new diet plan in order to 'feel' for the public. We wanted to help them help themselves."

The diet plan was discovered when grocery shoppers began to notice different varieties of their favorite soft drinks appearing: Miss Fran Yudemeyer, a frequent shopper at LargeMart, explains the phenomenon: "I was looking through Aisle 14 for my ThatCola, when I saw something new - there were these shiny, silver cans that had the word 'Diet' ThatCola - "It's There In Its Entireity" written on them. I'd heard of 'diets' before: those are the things you do to lose weight. I decided it couldn't hurt to drop a few pounds, so I grabbed 4 cases of the stuff. I also picked up some pork rinds and doughnuts on the way out."

Fran was pleased with the new diet cola's approach toward weight loss: "It felt good, because I could drink as much Diet ThatCola as I wanted, and I knew I was losing weight, because I was on a diet. So, I was able to eat foods I couldn't before, like steak burgers and milkshakes."

But there was a dark side to the new plan - Fran soon found herself gaining weight, not losing it. "I'd go to BurgerLand, order two steak burgers, a GiganticMac, a large french fry, onion rings, Lard Poppers, Chicken Fingers, and three hot dogs... and then, of course, since I was watching my weight, I'd order a Diet ThatCola on top of it all. I figured that I should keep an eye on my health for once. But after a few months, I checked my weight - I had actually gained 20 pounds instead of losing them!"

Upon confrontation of the ThatCola company, Fran was told by a representative that the diet plan was "not for use as a comprehensive method for dieting", and that it "would not work in conjunction with otherwise unhealthy eating habits". Confused by these big words, Fran consulted her lawyer friend Janet Freedman who translated: "Diet ThatCola does not make you lose weight."

But the fight is not over for Fran Yudemeyer - she has founded a program, dubbed FAT (Federation for the Abolition of ThatCola), which now consists of an impressive 1 member.

"These corporate scoundrels aren't going to get away with this kind of trickery," threatens Fran, chewing on a pork chop. "I'm going to expose them for the liars they are."