Respected Senior Citizen Reveals Harrowing Tales of Youth By Charles Anderson

Following a brief nap and lunch consisting of some kind of artificial meat substitute, Edmond Smith, 86, revealed an emotionally gripping story of exactly the way things were when he was your age.

Described by many as "a crochety old bag of bones" and "that creepy old man at the end of the street", Mr. Smith is a respected member of the Moorsville community. "He's always got something to say," noted one citizen, "he just can't shut up about anything."

It is Mr. Smith's expressiveness and willingness to share his experiences that have made him so popular among children, or "them damn kids", as Mr. Smith lovingly refers to them. Each week when the local children stop by Mr. Smith's unnecessarily frightening suburban mansion-house to reluctantly mow his lawn, clear leaves from his front porch, and perform other basic yard tasks, the kind and gentle Mr. Smith treats each child to an exhaustingly lengthy story.

When approached by this reporter, the charming Mr. Smith offered this incredible anecdote:

"You damn news-types don't know what the hell you're talking about. You go blabbing about some crooked old fireman who saves a kitten stuck in a tree... well let me tell you, things were different in my day! We didn't have things like the radio, newspapers, or even written language! No! We had to hike 30 miles to the next house in the snow, uphill, both ways, just to hear the news for the day! And you know what? We never complained! That's just how it was! I tell you, they just don't make 'em like they used to..."

In light of this amazing revelation, world-renowned quantum physicist Dr. Otto von Scheistkopf volunteered for comment:

"It was the general belief, up until now, that physical impossibilities such as a path being 'uphill both ways' could not exist in the known world. However, in light of recent information supplied by the respectable and obviously very knowledgable Mr. Smith, I wish to officially retract all laws of physics and denounce the name of Newton until a newer system is invented which can take into account this amazing new data."

Dr. Scheistkopf then returned to his laboratory in search of an explanation for this and other recently revealed physical phenomena.

Similar tales of incredible happenings have been reported by the frequent visitors to Mr. Smith, only confirming even more how truly amazing this extraordinary man's life was when he was your age.

According to Benjamin Reismann, 11, Mr. Smith told him about "the time when he lost his glasses in the ocean and he had to swim for 100 days to find them, and when he did find them they were broken, so he had to make a hammer out of some nearby rocks and fix them himself, and then he swam back to the shore without getting out of breath, and... I don't know, he just went on and on..." Such tales of heroism and incredible, inhuman feats of strength are not at all uncommon in Mr. Smith's weekly story-telling sessions, which have become something of a ritual to the local children.

When asked if he was honored to be given the opportunity to hear these inspiring stories, Benjamin stated simply, "Are you kidding?!?"

What a truly great and influential man Mr. Smith is; certainly the youth of America could do well by his example.

Charles Anderson
Roving Reporter, Reality Syndicate