Why Wombats Don't Like Cheese By Yurivich Gruskenvald, Wombat Expert

Dear Reality Syndicate,

I have been very aware for months that you fine folks at the RS have been plagued by the question: "Why on Earth won't our RS mascot Dave the Wombat eat any of the cheese we supply him with?"

Friends in ludicrousy, after rigorous testing, I think I may finally have the answer.

Enclosed is a picture I took of Dave during therapy. Examining Dave's aversion for cheese for a whole week was a fascinating experience, I must add! We talked for hours on end, and listed are the four reasons that Dave dislikes cheese. Now, each possible cause of the problem is accompanied by a possible solution, or lack thereof, for the good of Dave's steady cheese eating made possible by you at the RS and this is a run-on sentence.

1. Dave has a recurring dream that he is falling... into a pile of cheese.
If this is the case, I suggest creating a vast pile of cheese (the softest you can find) and allowing Dave to fall into this pile. When he sees that cheese is soft and harmless, he will feast upon his new found dairy friend.

2. Dave's internal metabolism rejects cheese.
From my experiences with Dave I know he is not lactose intolerant. In fact, on our Wednesday session he drank seventeen gallons of chocolate milk. Therefore I suggest you visit the K-Mart down by the driving range and pick up a new internal metabolism for Dave. Look in the Marsupials section of the Bodily Functions aisle. It's next to the swimwear.

3. A childhood experience has given Dave a deep-rooted subconscious fear of cheese.
This, unfortunately, is a very likely cause of our problem. Unfortunately, K-Mart doesn't sell solutions to mental aversions due to adolescent trauma. That's just silly! For this it is best for Dave to confront his fear. Equip him with a baseball bat and a football helmet, dangle a chunk of gouda in front of him on a string and yell: "Look out, Dave, it's after you!" The problem should then fix itself.

4. Unlike the common wombat, Dave dislikes cheese.
It is a sad world when a wombat just doesn't like cheese. I think we can blame such rare occurrences on the sex and violence portrayed on television. My suggestion is to write nasty letters to all of the major broadcasting corporations, such as JDM. If responses are few and changes in programming are scarce, don't hesitate to pelt the executives of the companies with cheese while screaming "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, YOU HARPIES!?!"

I hope everything works out well for Dave and yourselves. Let me know if any more of my services will be required. I was very happy to help out a wombat in need and would gladly do it again. And again. Not a fourth time, though, that's too much.

Yurivich Gruskenvald,
Wombat Expert