Dave's Follow-Up Exam By Yurivich Gruskenvald, Wombat Expert

Dear Reality Syndicate,

A good deal of time has passed since I last examined Dave, your pet wombat. Now, any decent wombat expert knows that any decent wombat has a very fragile mental structure, and after such a breakthrough as our conquering of his fear of cheese, Dave may have some unforseen side affects.

So, I have returned to give Dave a follow-up exam. Here are my findings:

I decided to use an inkblot test to examine Dave's creative and analyical aspects. Plus, all of the written tests I had prepared for Dave got coffee spilled on them by your idiot secretary, Lois. Shall we take a look at the tests then?

Test #1:

Shown is the first inkblot I used on Dave. He responded with a rather indepth description of Al Gore gazing lovingly into the eyes of a ham sandwich while clouds overhead rained deck screws and paintbrushes. Oh, and he said there was swiss cheese on the ham sandwich. I made sure to note that especially, because we know Dave has just gotten over a pathological fear of cheese.

Test #2:

Here is the second image I showed to Dave. Frankly, his description just shocked me. How often do you hear a womabt tell you he sees headless potatos standing on soap boxes in front of the Chrysler Building chanting "The banana is long and yellow!" while Peter Frampton autographs cinder blocks for the local children? That's right, not too much! At this point I became very apprehensive just being in the same room as this demented wombat.

Test #3:

By now I'm watching the second hand drag across the clock face because this rodent is scaring the crap out of me. I went ahead and showed him this, the third image. He said he saw a butterfly in a meadow of daffodils.

What did you people do to this poor creature that would cause him to conjure up such strange things?!?

Sick people. You guys are sick people.

Test #4:

Okay, I decided to muster up my courage and show Dave the fourth and final image. Dave squinted, gasped, and leaped off the couch. I warned him to stay still and not come near me, but he told me he saw the evil Queen Velveeta of the planet Lactose. He told me he'd banished her to the pits of stomach acid on Gastro 4, but she would soon return for her revenge.

At this point I just helped myself to some gin and contemplated a new line of work.

Just then, a vortex of some sort came flying out of the broom closet! From this vortex emerged an enormous chucnk of cheese with peculiar eyes and weird loopy things circling them. It smelled of bile and started to speak Portugese.

Naturally I was scared motionless. Dave unexpectedly leaped into the air and held out some blue crystal. The demon cheese from Portugal disappeared back into the broom closet from whence it came.

So, after all this time, it occured to me! Dave's fear was not of cheese but the imperial gaurds of Queen Velveeta that disguised themselves as cheese here on Earth. The Queen was banished to the pits of stomach acid with a replica of the crystal of Lactaid, but until Dave found the real crystal and banished her again upon her escape, nobody would be safe.

Safe from what is a question I can't anwser. Yeah, I was scared, but you have to admit, this is a pretty crappy attempt at a fantasy story. This isn't exactly the next Hobbit now is it? At least Dave's okay. So gentlemen at Reality Syndicate, I emplore you, DON'T call me again if Dave is doing weird things. He's probably just trying to save the world froma fictitious, poorly drawn dairy product from Portugal.

Cheers!

Yurivich Gruskenvald,
Wombat Expert