At the time this Newsreel blurb was written, there was exactly negative two months, seven days, and twelve hours until the new year. That's right, we exist in the future! Try to keep it quiet though, because we don't want to cause any universe shattering paradox by exposing information. Oh, but we will say watch out for George W. Bush. If only he hadn't signed that bill I might still have my savings...

"Two days left in the millennium!" many say, while others say "The millennium started a year ago, moron!" So when does the new millennium start? 2000? 2001? 1972? Since I see no reason why there can't be a "year zero" and last year the numbers that designated the years changed considerable from a one with nines to a two with zeros. Solution? Millennium is Latin for a million years anyway, so who cares?

This is a true story. My family got a new dog and has been taking it to training classes for the past few weeks. This week they had concert tickets and so I took the new doggy to the little class. There was a very strange dog there named "Neutron" that made noises that were quite undoglike and didn't obey a single command. Frankly, I don't think it was a dog at all.

Over-the-counter drugs come in maximum strength and extra strength, with the occasional medium strength. Where's the minimum strength? Granted it wouldn't be too popular, but if sold for a lot cheaper than higher strength medicines could certainly fetch profits from penny pinchers and tightwads. Let's see some action, drug companies.

Who's sick of their Christmas gifts yet? I bet if you got gift certficates to department stores and clothes, you'll enjoy them in the long run, but your short term enjoyment is nowhere to be found. I was lucky enough to get some great toys to play with, like K'nex and Legos. Why on Earth would nobody want toys, regardless of age?

Every year children make an attempt to be extra good during December because their parents filled their heads with the propaganda that if they're bad they won't get anything good. I don't know how old I was when I realized you get good stuff regardless as to behavior, but I sure wish I knew that when I was four!

Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green!

It's Christmas Eve. What the heck are you doing on the Internet? Oh, wait, you probably don't have to work or anything. You also are probably sick of your family and the same tired jokes and mannerisms that annoy you so by now. Since you're here that means you're smart enough to know that the Internet is just the impersonal, cold, sterile companion you need!

Batman has a bat car, bat jet, bat boat, bat cave, etc., etc. Can we therefore conclude that he might just have bat everything? Like a bat toothbrush or a bat toilet plunger? How about a bat gardener or bat accountant? I think having a bat accountant would be a truly stylish way to do your taxes that all your friends would envy you for.

Now is the time of year where the ability to read one's mind becomes a great tool. I don't like it when people tell me what they want me to get them for a gift, because there's just no surprise! Therefore, what weak mentally telepathic abilities I have (absolutely none) come in quite handy when making out shopping lists.

Starting a new bank? Can't think of a name that says "respectable upstanding bank for the people?" The Syndicate can help! It has come to our attention that the names "Action Danger Bank" and "It's Just another Freakin' Bank" are completely up for grabs. Feel free to use them, just give us some credit if you do.

Today, we couldn't think of anything new or original to post in the Newsreel column here. Thus, we will list random words until the space is filled. Gargle, Flamboyant, Camera, Orthopedic, Price Tag, Tweet, Polygamy, Salt Water Taffy, Aluminum Siding. Have a nice day!

Today's word of the day is "Yoinkage." Such a word is obviously worthy of high praise. "Yoinkage" contains the word "Yoink," a sound made when taking a small object from one's possession, and the suffix "-age" meaning amount or number of, which is also a noun forming suffix. YOINKAGE!

Football, basketball, baseball, hockey, and soccer have been in the spotlight for too long. Who read Calvin and Hobbes when it was still being produced? For those who did, you probably remember Calvinball. I must say, I wouldn't mind my favorite Sunday evening programming being pre-empted by a Calvinball game!

How would a bowling pin go about escaping a bowling alley? Not every pin is content with it's life of being knocked around by heavy bowling balls all day. If I were a rogue bowling pin I'd hide in the pro shop, because they'd never look for me there, and then sneak out after closing.

Folks, sorry if there's a problem viewing the site today! Or for the next few days for that matter. A mishap led to this fine site being completely wiped out, and now as we rebuild there may be a few things (pages, images, etc.) that won't show up. It'll all be over soon!

Objects deserve to be named and talked to often. The walls in my room are named Tiny, Josephine, Aurelius, and Kitsch. The ceiling's name is Paulette but I don't talk to him much since he speaks Portuguese and I don't. The floor has no name but loves musical theatre and has a sister living in Maryland.

Do you have a roommate? I thought so! Here's a way that you can scare the heck out of him/her. Build a huge mound of black ball point pens on one side of your room. On the other side place a single solitary number two pencil. Now, sit with the pens. Point at the pencil and laugh at it.

There aren't enough people in the world named "Anonymous." This name sound very respectable and can be use for a boy or a girl. Imagine: "Dr. Anonymous P. Harrison" or "Anonymous L. Harper, District Attorney." Such a great name! I certainly hope more children have this name bestowed upon them in the following years.

The newest Reality Syndicate study has been completed. We have been curious as to the average weight of every human in the world. After rigorous testing and polling, a solution has been reached. The average weight of all humans on the planet is 7.3 pounds. Believe it. It's a number with a decimal so it must be accurate.

Today's Prophetic Message is as follows:

On February 19, 2001, something terrible will happen to a man who's first name begins with the letter F and lives in the Pacific Time Zone. He is also a shoe salesman and drives a blue car, if that helps. Unfortunately, that's all we know.

Everybody loves the phrase "Busy as a Bee." Bah! Bees are lazy! I have a bee that lives two doors down from me and I hear he is constantly late on paying his rent. He just sits around all day in a T-shirt watching Comedy Central. Not busy at all.

There have been many recent advances in the fields of pogo stick technology. Pneumatic compression systems and nuclear fusion reactor cores will soon replace the common spring. Don't get too excited though, these new improvements won't hit the stores until March at the earliest.

Marsupials have no place here - if you have a pouch on your belly, which you use or have used at one point to store and raise young, please leave the site immediately. No personal offense, it's just... ever since "The Accident"... we don't really like to talk about it.

They should make soda machines with little cameras in them, so that you could just look at them and they'd analyze your retinas or something and submit a report to the government about what kind of soda you'd like, and then the government would mail it to you in 6-8 weeks along with some forms and bills. That would be cool, because it's a real pain to have to press all those little buttons.

Three little Martians all dressed in green,
Tried to get to heaven on the end of a string,
But the string-string broke and down they all fell.
Instead of going to heaven, they all went to
Two little Martians all dressed in green...

Changing one's name legally is a quick and easy way to have fun on a rainy day! Look at some of these possibilties:

Tom Johnson - Gary Coleman
George Smith - Ringo Starr
James Anderson - Bunny McSquishy

The possibilities are endless!

This is Jason Cross, one of the writers and creators of the Syndicate. Today he is nineteen years old. We are still awaiting your presents! Jason is a very impatient man, and when he doesn't get presents, he gets angry!

You have been warned...

There's no "I" in team. There hasn't been since 1934, and it appears that the "I" in team won't return until the legislature's decision to abolish the "I" in team is overturned. Unfortunately, "I in team" supporters are few and far between. Is there anything the common man can do?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown on Mary's lamb who ran smack into the wall so Humpty fell down and landed on Alan Greenspan who raised interest rates by .25% for this quarter.

As of yet, there is no known moral for this story.

Go to an open public place, such as a shopping mall, or your local grocery store. Find a spot where there are lots of people walking from place to place. Now, begin clutching your throat and coughing uncontrollably. When somebody asks you if your okay, reply in a calm, cheerful voice: "I'm just singing a merry little tune I wrote."