Today is the last day in February, 2001. There will never be another February 2001 until the universe reboots. On this, such a sentimental day, I turned to news stations hoping for sappy pieces recapping this amazing month, just like they do at the end of December. Nothing! Talk about discrimination. I happen to think that the end of the second month of this year is just as newsworthy as the end of the final month of the final year of just another millennium.

You walk into a truly swinging party your friend Dana threw. Someone hands you a drink and you begin to mingle. "Hey, George!" someone shouts, and then a total stranger walks up to you, George. You don't know this this person but he obviously knows you. Uncomfortable? Apprehensive? Just spill your drink on him and curse the horrible omniscient being that created you. After that, said stranger won't come within twenty yards.

Have you ever wondered if maybe, just maybe, you are the ONLY conscious being in the whole universe, and everything and everyone around you is just a big hoax, not actually real but instead fabricated by some higher force? If maybe the entire UNIVERSE is a fake? Well, it's all true, and let me tell you, we're darn sick of the way you've been treating it. Mr. Gates wants to see you in his office immediately.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY REALITY SYNDICATE! Yay! Today this fantastic site turns one year old. It's been a LONG time! We've come long way with almost fifty articles. We here at the Syndicate would like to thank everyone who ever visited this site more than once, and especially those who've been around since the beginning. Here's to another great year!

School dances, in middle school and high school, are pretty stupid. The prom has some nice qualities, but everything else especially homecoming, is nothing more than a way for the school to make a quick buck off the students. This in mind, I think we need to welcome a new era of dances, such as "Thursday-Fest" or "The Enchanted Mid-Term Gala"

Do you remember, in the 80's, those little bracelets they had that would snap and curl around your arm, and they'd be all neon-colored, and like have bands and cartoon characters and stuff on them? And like they were soooo popular?!? Yeah, that was really cool, huh...? Yeah.

Every military branch has ranks. One of the actual existing ranks in the Navy is "Petty Officer." Now, does this title seem to give confidence? I think not! The Navy should address this issue so that recruits can be more proud to be a member of the Naval Forces. Titles such as "Very Important Officer" or "Really Quite Necessary Officer" are some good places to start.

Tonight it was extremely foggy as I was driving home. My buddy Pat happened to be in the car and we saw another car pull into a remote turnoff by the side of the road. "Probably going to make out," Pat said. I thought to myself: If these were two teenagers going to make out in a dense fog by a quiet road through the mountains, aren't they just asking to be hacked apart by an escaped mental patient or the local mutant, a la horror flick?

Drivel Days just keep on rolling! News from our Upcoming Events department has been passed along, and we can now say that there may just be more than one big surprise in store for the big day. That's right, on February 25th this strange "big unveiling" will be a lot bigger than first expected. While you think about that, think about how funny mildew is and go read some of the spotlighted articles.

Drivel Days continue! Let the villagers rejoice! The king hath decreed as follows: one new article, as well as one "flashback article" shall be presented to the peasantry with the dawn of each day, signifying the greatness of the Syndicate and all the various people involved within. Also, one hundred pounds of cake and mead shall be delivered to the king's depository each evening between the hours of 3 and 4. So let it be written, so shall it be done.

Happy Drivel Days! Today we kick off our eight day celebration as we count down to the 25th, when the Reality Syndicate turns one year old! As we count down, you should think about what merit badges the Boy Scouts don't have, but should. Badges like "Mythology," "Racketeering," "Cannibalism," and of course, "Merit Badge Fabrication" Merit Badge.

General human curiosity gives street vendors selling strange things a good advantage. Think about it. A guy selling pencils gets a few customers, since those people know they're getting pencils. A guy selling boxes covered in purple question marks called "Mystery Boxes" could make a fortune, just because people are curios idiots and don't know the boxes actually contain assorted pieces of scrap metal.

Drivel Days begins in only two days! That's right, the 18th is two days away. Sixteen plus two is eighteen. Are you in the dark and don't know what Drivel Days are? I'm shocked! Click here to get in on this great celebration. Otherwise, if you already knew, you deserve a gold star. Wal-Mart carries packets of 100 gold stars for $2.05. Go treat yourself to some.

These days people have strange names lined up for their soon-to-be-had children. I know one girl who's intending to name her one girl and one boy Brooklyn and Thor, respectively. I can understand Brooklyn, but I know if I had the daunting task of naming one of my children after a Norse God, Oden would be the only appropriate choice. I mean, come on... Thor?

Ponder the letters "SMG." To some, it may stand for "Sarah Michelle Geller." To others, "Sub-Machine Gun." To inhabitants of Antarctica, "Slippery Meatball Gumbo." While to many others worldwide, "SMG" can stand for "Standing Marine Gloves," "Short Mahogany Greens," "Spirit Mortar Glass," or even "American Dental Association."

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, the holiday where we celebrate the birth of Cupid. This little winged fellow was born in 1972 and is known for piercing the chest cavities of unsuspecting people with sharp, pheromone drenched arrows while shoving quasi-sentimental assembly line greeting cards down their throats and emptying their wallets. Oh, and there's romance too.

Happy Confusing, Nonsensical Metaphor Day! We here at the Syndicate love this day as a monkey loves Chapstick. Our festivities planned promise to be as fun as green pants on a blue horse, but remember, as you celebrate with family and friends, party responisbly! Don't get as drunk as tetanus shot make a fool out of yourself.

All work and no play makes Jack not want to fetch a pail of water with Jill...
All work and no play makes Jack not want to fetch a pail of water with Jill...
All work and no play makes Jack not want to fetch a pail of water with Jill...
All work and no play makes Jack not want to fetch a pail of water with Jill...

Ghosts in designer sheets and toll booths on the trails in Rocky Mountain National Park are only two of the millions of things being batted around inside the head of actor Edward Norton. Our newest brain wave receiver allows us to see the thoughts of just about anyone we choose. You can buy your own at Radio Shack for $12.99.

Microwaves are difficult to come by for cheap. What most people don't know is tat microwaves can be easily constructed with little else. To do so, obtain a cardboard box and a 100 watt light bulb. Hook up the light bulb inside the box and upon placing food within, turn on the light. Cooking food takes about 73 times as long, but you get what you pay for.

FOR SALE:
Genetically altered gorilla.
12 ft. tall, 4 eyes, 3000 lbs.
Bad temper, needs animal lover for owner.
$10 or best offer.
Contact: email floyd@reality-syndicate.com
Offer good for two weeks.

Legos are the building blocks of a better future. Today's up and coming architects will rely on this novel engineering systems to build better houses, office buildings, and perhaps genetically engineer people to have U shaped hands that don't move and horribly disproportionate bodies with cylindrical heads.

(ahem) Is this thing on? (thud thud) ...I guess not... Oh well, would have been a really cool Newsreel - it'll have to wait, I suppose. (click)

Poem: Ode du Randome
Purple Horseshoes and Green Clovers, A tall man goes by bus to Dover.
In the shower, using herbal shampoo, three weeks ago I, too, had the flu.
Mountain Dew, caffeinated green, I bought it from the soda machine.
This is the fourth line, and one was too many. One cent is the value of a penny.

It is true that on Friday (two days ago), I thought it was Thursday. I didn't find out until one in the morning, or just barely Saturday. I made my internal clock add a day, so it was Friday. However, chronologically speaking, it was now Saturday. I just couldn't win. Finally, I'm caught up. It took a few strategic whacks to the forehead with a bowling pin, though.

I have a friend, Mike, who is a vegetarian. He told me yesterday that if somebody had the chutzpah to create a giant beef hamburger the size of a football (it could even have steak or some other manly meat product on it) and call it the "Gluttony Burger," he'd come out of vegetarianism to eat it. Please contact us if you know where such a burger might exist and is being sold to the public.

Today groundhogs all over the planet exit their cold and cramped holes in the ground to begin the dating ritual known as "Groundhog Day." After proceeding to the bar for drinks and laughter, they proceed to movies and dinner. At last, if the male groundhog is allowed by the female to give a kiss goodnight, meteorologists say, chances of six more weeks of winter are slightly increased.

Everybody knows cards have numbers from two to ten, kings, queens, jacks, and aces. After so many years of this same style, how about some small additions to update? Instead of kings, queens, and jacks, there could be fireman, politicians, and bank customers. The ace could be replaced with the squirrel, and suits would change from hearts, clubs, spades, and diamonds to umbrellas, T-shirts, pineapples, and dollar signs. That should spice up poker.