One, two; Buckle your shoe.
Three, four; Slam your finger in the door.
Five, six; Make trail mix.
Seven, eight; Don't be late!
Nine, ten; The Art of Motorcycle Repair, and Zen.
Eleven, twelve; Nothing rhymes with twelve...
Thirteen, fourteen; This poem is getting old.
Fifteen, sixteen; That's enough already! Sheesh.

The desk of any truly struggling writer is littered with empty soda cans (some may be partially full, but only one that has been opened in the past twenty minutes and is currently being consumed may be more full than half) and bowls dusted with crumbs of dry cereals. The television must be nearby and on something like C-Span if the hour is between six AM and midnight, and Comedy Central for the remaining time. Such is the environment of the writer.

!tselluf sti ot etacidnys eht yojne dna ,yad taerg a evaH .wonk lliw enoyreve noos tub ,tey fo sa elttil yrev si stobor eht fo wonk ew tahW .noos yrev gnimoc era stobor ,hguoht ,eraweB .dedda ew kool wen eht yojne uoy epoh ew ,etis eht gnitisiv era uoy sa gnol sA .emit fo ytnelp sekat dna ysae t'nsi sdrawkcab siht ekil gnihtemos gnitirW .sdrawkcab nettirw gnieb si yrtne leeRsweN eritne eht ,yadoT

Despite what French cuisine experts may say, pizza is the divine food of Gods and kings. The ancient Roman God Harold, the God of Teeth and George, the God of Stereo Equipment fought over a sacred deep-dish pizza cooked by Jupiter in the core of the sun, and Gary the God of Shoes had to put a stop to it before the Coliseum was destroyed. Ever since, pizza has been the food of Gods.

Walking in on strange conversations and arguments is the best way to have fun with assumptions. For example, if the first thing you hear upon walking into a room is something like "If I wanted you to borrow my bike to go there, I would've just bought the fish myself!" or "Who gave you permission to use my car to deliver those? That's not even your job!" then you know you're in for some great assumptions.

Jerry came at Steve with a baseball bat once he heard the mean thing Steve said about his pet Iguana. Mo-Mo, the iguana, had already been shaken up considerably. At this point, Steve picked up a file cabinet in self defense. Jerry ran to his truck and pulled out his spare tire. Steve put down the filing cabinet and picked up some needle-nose pliers. This fight was getting out of hand fast.

Some Olympic sports involve throwing pointy things, or throwing heavy things. Some Olympic sports do not involve throwing anything at all. Throwing things is fun and makes you look cool, so I say all Olympic sports should incorporate throwing things. Weight Lifting? Throw the weights once you pick them up. Bob Sled? Snowballs. 100 Meter Hurtles? Throw empty beer cans at the audience. The possibilities are limitless.

When you're hurt in a car wreck, why work with lawyers who don't know how to manipulate the system? Wouldn't you prefer a check so monstrous that you know you don't deserve it? Call John Fresnel. He'll make sure that the assets of the owners of your insurance company are seized at once and transferred to you. Sure it's unfair, but hey, YOU were in the car wreck!

My friend outlined his theory of the wine conspiracy the other day. He claims that wine is made not from grape vineyards in France and other parts of Europe but in a vat in a factory in Australia. He also claims that the ingredients consist of olives, green peppers, cellophane, and snail eyes. He says his "irrefutable" proof was destroyed in a chemical fire. My gut says he may be on to something...

If humans had wheels instead of legs, oh what a different world it would be. Once everybody got used to that world, imagine if a random wheeled human said "What if instead of wheels, people had long arm type thingies that they stand on. We could call them 'Floppy-McGreggors' and instead of driving around people would drag themselves with their chins." What a strange world indeed!

Follow this link to free stuff:
www.donotfollowthislink.com

Trying to sell used vegetables and fruits to a pawn shop is not a good idea. Common sense tells us that used vegetables and fruits are probably not in high demand among the pawn shop going public. The same goes for warped 2x4's, assorted pieces of broken bottles, anything purple, America Online floppy disks from five years ago, and toys from McDonald's Happy Meals.

It came to pass recently that Congress approved a bill outlawing the usage of the phrase "it came to pass." Once this bill is signed into a law all publications from the past few centuries using such a lewd and vulgar phrase will be off limits to anyone under the age of eighteen. The same goes for this Newsreel entry, since we used the phrase once. Sorry for soiling your eyes!

There will be a day not far from now when the bears of the world will congregate in the forest and decide to retake the planet. That's right, before the ascension of modern man, bears were the superior being. As man became civilized the bears decided to retreat to the forests to see where the humans might go. Let them do all of the technological work, then take over. The shift in power will happen any day now.

Gosh, I'm sorry. There's nothing to say today. Usually there's something clever or funny or weird here in the Newsreel, but not today. We couldn't really think of anything. It happens, I suppose. A little writer's block never hurt anyone. That is, unless a writer has a physical block sitting on their desk that they use to hit somebody on their forehead. That would certainly hurt.

Like I was saying, I finished purchasing my goods and returned to my blue spray painted cat at the bus stop. At this time the restaurant across the street that serves noodles with watermelon sunk into the ground. It's truly a shame because I had plans to meet Tony Danza there for tea once I'd picked up my mother in Nebraska. I guess I'll have to call and give him a rain check.

When I spray painted my cat blue this morning he complained of a stomach ache. I told him to wait by the bus stop while I ran down to the library to pick up a newspaper and some oranges. The guy behind the counter had those fake eyebrows that just hit the beauty stores and smelled like dignity met sarcasm. I knew he wasn't my kind so I made sure not ask him to join my bowling league.

Many people played with little paper triangles as footballs when they were kids and bored in a classroom. You know, the kind that you flick with your fingers through a goal post your friend makes out of his hands. Since the NFL brought back instant replay, maybe they're bold enough to try this. What harm could a large paper triangle do?

Let us assume that if someone is allergic to anything they are pure evil. For instance, if Pat is allergic to chocolate he is pure evil. Jason says he's allergic to Pat. Since Jason is allergic he is evil, but since Pat is allergic (and therefore also evil) Jason is allergic to evil, so Jason is a paradox. What happens if Basiu is allergic to allergies? See if you can figure that out.

I have two apples. If I eat 1/74 of one apple and spray paint the other apple purple, then run to the market and buy seventeen prunes and a doughnut with a coupon getting me 50% off on any doughnut with the purchase of a number of prunes of equal or lesser value, then return in under five minutes and offer you either the prunes or the doughnut, what color are my shoes?

Great minds come up with great ideas. Edison made the light bulb. Einstein discovered Relativity. The guy who made Advil made Advil, and that stuff is great for head aches! What great things have you done? I haven't really done anything truly great as of yet, but that will all change on July 7 of 2003. Just wait and see. It'll be great.

Here's a fun way to scare those people around you! Talk to yourself constantly. NEVER shut up. Eventually someone will ask you who you are talking to. Tell them that there's a voice inside your head that speaks only Norwegian. From that point on, insist that almost everything you eat is to feed Heidi (you can call the voice whatever you choose). Finally, spit out your food and say Heidi is incredibly picky.

Two years ago, in the summer of 1998, I learned how to make origami balloons. With two extra creases before inflation, I learned that the balloon can be made into a cube. I made many cubes that day, and days after. To this day I still know how to make cubes. I even made a cube that started from four 3' x 3' squares taped together (to make a big 6' x 6' square). The cube that resulted is 2' in all directions, and fits over my head.

Girl Scout cookies are somewhat limited by the shapes that they appear in. Most are circles and a choice few happen to be rectangular. It's a shame the Girl Scouts are so trapped in two dimensional universe. I don't even think they know the meaning of the word "Icosahedron!" A third axis is just what those little ladies need to boost their spring sales.

Who's ready for a brain teaser? Anyone? Well, I can't hear you anyway so I'll just go with it.

I learned the seven colors in kindergarten today!

Let's face it, cows are funny animals. Imagine a cow. Put her in a field, chewing some cud (I love that word). Now put the cow in a "Where's Waldo?" outfit and fill the field with tons of other cows. Can you still find your original cow? Try taking the outfit off. Can you find her now? I doubt it! Think of this little exercise every time you see a cow for the rest of your life.

I see hair clubs on TV advertise that they'll restore hair or keep hair from falling out. Come on, people! This idea is millenia old. People (men mostly) have wanted to keep their hair since time began. You need to give them something fresh to keep the dollars rolling in! I suggest changing the hair's natural color to something obscure while keeping it from falling out. It's practical and stylish in one!

We had a witty observation about credit cards prepared for today's Newsreel entry but lost it. So instead we're just going to talk about Ronald McDonald. I have a blue sticker with Ronald on it that says "Kids are Special at McDonald's!" I think that's great. I'm not a kid anymore and I know I'm not special many places. It's good to know that kids today still have a place to go to feel special.

Sitting on top of my desk right now, as I type the this Newsreel entry, there is a very realistic looking Styrofoam skull with a shiny new eight ball in its mouth. The skull is known as that of a guy named "Joey Wartner-Chaney" and oversees all of the events of the desk. Nothing escapes Joey's eyes, or rather, eye sockets. Just the other day he caught a fly on my Corn Flakes.

At last the year is upon us that we send a funny looking space ship to Jupiter! We know better though, about what goes wrong, so I read recently that NASA replaced the lovable HAL 9000 with a crappy Hewlett Packard from 1996 with old Windows 3.1 on it. Sure, those astronauts won't get anything done, but at least nobody will be sucked into a black monolith and become a born again space fetus!