Another basic conundrum. Decide even for grapes how I jump. Kindly laugh more, not orange, purple, quite rampantly so. Two umbrellas, very wet, xylophones, yours? Zoo.

In a recent scientific study, thinking about really hard questions and trying to spell excessively long words, such as excessively, can be linked directly to brain and kidney damage. What can you do to protect yourself? Simply sit on a running microwave until the radiation renders you a vapid dimwit. Simple!

The origin of the phrase "no dice" is neither interesting nor intriguing, but here it is anyway! A medieval craftsman was ordered by his lord to make some dice. When the lord checked back with him in an hour, not nearly enough time to have finished, the craftsman had nothing to say but "sorry, no dice!" Thus, the phrase was instantaneously ingrained into society and used throughout Western Civilization.

"These chips are 94% fat free!" Have you ever seen this? So 94% of the chips are completely devoid of fat. What about the other 6%? For all you know, that remaining fraction could be pumped full of 1200 grams of fat. Even 99% fat free can still mean 1% with enough fat to tip the scales against an African bull elephant.

There's no i in "team". Nobody can argue that fact. However, there is no we, us, or togetherness in "team" either. There's tea, but that probably has little relevance unless you're on a tea-drinking team. Rearranging letters yields the words eat and me, but obviously those aren't words suitable for encouraging the cooperative spirit!

Today I spotted a truck for a moving service on the freeway. Their motto was "We're No. 1!" Now, oddly, the "No. 1!" part was underlined. They had stressed the abbreviation so much that it now looked like "No 1!" or pronounced "No One!" Let that be a lesson: Stressing abbreviations make he not look like abbreviations anymore.

Flying on airplanes is a very safe way to travel, but every so often a plane crashes. If no plane had ever crashed in history, would air travel be as popular as it is? Ironically, a 100% success record wouldn't have people stampeding to buy airline tickets, but instead go by car and wonder why nothing has gone wrong yet.

"One for the money, two for the show": what does that mean, anyway? Frankly, I'd set up about five (5) or six (6) for the money, and leave only one (1), if any, for the show. Have you seen Hollywood lately? Clearly, they have far too many "for the show." A stop must be put to this now.

Let's see... I have an opinion that isn't quite intelligent, but I want people to listen to me anyway - I KNOW! I'll just yell it, really really loud!!! The louder I am, the smarter I sound! It's ingenious!

Once upon a time, there was a little duck-billed platypus. He was a very attractive little platypus, and thus didn't fit in with his friends. Finally, when he grew up, he became hideous just like his buddies, and was finally accepted. The moral of the story: duck-billed platypi are very vain.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck couldn't chuck wood? - see, that's the real question. People have been getting it wrong all along. The answer, of course, is 38 bales, or 45 amperes.

Curses! Foiled again! My brilliant Green Scheme has been thwarted! But don't get too comfortable yet... oh, no, I still have some tricks up my sleeve! Bwa-ha-ha-haaaa!!!

I bet if you put one microwave inside of another microwave, then set them both to run for 3 hours, something really bad would happen. Oh, especially if one of the microwaves had a hotdog in it, too. I don't really know what would happen, but I'm not going to try it.

It's Saint Patrick's Day, which means that this message has to be in green. I hate green. The color makes me sick. I don't think I can even stand writing the rest of this Newsreel. Why am I here? I don't have to put up with this! I am my own person! I don't have to take orders from Dr. S, or that creepy Victor guy, or anyone else! Yeah! I quit, you hear me? I quit! You like green? Oh, I'LL show you green! Take this, you miserable site! Ha-ha!!!! Green! GREEN!!!!

Alright, it's about time I settled this once and for all - no, there are not little gnomes inside of pop machines that grab your dollar bill, wrinkle it, and spit it back out again. They also do not take the coins and throw most (not all) of your change into the change return slot. Nor do they hold your can of whatever until you are forced to pound on the machine. Those are elves, not gnomes. Obviously.

Punctuational Nomenclature! It's been talked about for decades and put in practice in tiny cult followings for years. Why, therefore, isn't this something the world embraces?! The whole premise of using punctuation marks in names (i.e. Tony!, Mark?, or Derek;) is the wave of the future and belongs in Western Society. Write your Congressman!

New Jersey's NHL hockey team is the Jersey Devils. Imagine a situation, in the locker room just before the end of a game, when two janitors are talking about the team. While saying some things that may be personal opinion or widely known fact, the team comes down the ramp and into the locker room. How great would it feel to be the janitor that gets to say "Speak of the Devils..."?

There we were in our carts, ready to go back to our side of the road. Mario counted how many carts from the front he, among others, was in. Mario and pals found themselves in cart three. Somebody spoke up: "What's the big deal about being in cart three?" to which Mario answered: "We're Cart Three, the Dancing Cart!" Let me just say that much dancing ensued.

People world wide are distraught over the pocket of air inside bags of potato chips that takes up half the space. The blame can only be placed squarely on the supermarkets that vend the chips. Want to take action? A simple wooden mallet can set things right by pounding the air relentlessly out of every bag in the chip aisle, returning them to their appropriate size.

Pretty much everyone in the country has watched a science fiction movie with a friend who was more or less knowledgeable in the sciences. You know these people, the ones who can't keep their mouths shut. "There shouldn't be icicles inside the space station..." "That just violates the first law of thermodynamics..." "The United Nations doesn't sell cotton candy that flavor..."

I can start typing really big but then keep typing smaller and smaller and eventually the message here will be plenty small, unless you're browser and resolution have a minimum size for text. In that case, a joke like this is wasted on you! The Syndicate is persistent though, and we will find other ways to waste your time. Oh, just you wait. You'll be sorry. Very sorry.

I have been told in Germany people prefer sugar on their popcorn at the movies to salt. I can name more than one person that I know in the States that enjoy salt on their watermelon. Anything wrong with this picture? Why, as humans, must we try to cross things that normally wouldn't? I'm sure I won't be cooking dishes with crude oil while I change the olive oil in my car every 3000 miles.

Somebody told me he had a friend whose brother owned two rifles, which he kept in his sock drawer. Let me repeat that... in his sock drawer. Come on! Where is the room for his socks? Maybe this is a walk-in sock drawer with a gun rack on the south wall, next to the French Bay window and above the writing desk. People, if you're going to make up gun stories, make them believable!

People like to say "the best things in life are free". Well, mister, I'd like to see you get 0% APR financing for 6 months "ABSOLUTELY FREE"! According to this informative commercial I just saw, that's the "best thing around." All that optimism junk is just for people with nothing better to do than worry about a glass being half full or half empty. I say, drink it and move on.

Big corporations always preach to their employees that they should "think outside the box." Why? Thinking outside the box only means you're thinking everywhere but inside the box, and that box can be quite rewarding. What if the box is submersed in acid and mud but inside is candy and cheese? Would you skip out on candy and cheese for acid and mud? Me neither!

Yeah, I think that, what basically we did, is, we gave 110%, and you know, you do the training and all the hard work and it pays off, it's really all about teamwork, you know, and we're all a team here, and I think we did really good tonight, we were, you know, just working together as a team, and I think we just gave 110%, and went all the way tonight.

You know the world's gone crazy when you can't even get into your local supermarket because of a giant two hundred car pile up blocking the entrance that was caused by a single telephone pole falling over into the street thanks to superheroes like Cheap Imitation Leather Man and Captain Mediocre using their powers to patch potholes.

Have you ever wondered where the saying "My love" came from? People in love call each other that all the time ("let me get that door for you, my love", etc.) Why don't people who only like each other call each other "my like"? "I appreciate the effort, my like"... or "I suppose that's OK, my moderately detest". Just doesn't make sense.

Today we have an extra special treat for you! We're going to bring you something so amazing you'll scream out "Why did they have to go and do that?!" What is it? Do you really want to know? Well, okay. We're going t build up your hopes and then insensitively burst your bubble! That's it! Sort of a stupid and crappy surprise, isn't it?

Mathematics and language seem to have fights. Consider pluralization. One duck, two apples, nine elm trees. Anything with a quantity that isn't one gets pluralized, even decimals (3.4 green umbrellas). Anything that is just one gets singular though, as in one flying leap off a cliff. But what about one in decimal form, 1.0? Curiously, 1.0 gets pluralized, so one pounding headache, but 1.0 jumping wallabies. Go figure.