NewsReel
Archives for November, 2000
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| November
30, 2000 |
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Having
trouble remembering all of the planets in their correct order? Try
this easy-to-remember abbreviation: Just remember "Mercury,
Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto".
You'll be well on your way to an "A" the Syndicate way!
Hey!
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| November
29, 2000 |
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Fruit
as protective headgear seems like a fantastic idea, but let me tell
you something, mister! It may be biodegradable, but it doesn't protect
very well (well, maybe coconuts) and it starts to smell after a
few days. Do yourself a favor, and say no to fruit for protective
headgear!
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| November
28, 2000 |
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Here's
an experiment you can do!
1. Take a can of Pepsi and shake it relentlessly.
2. Poke a hole in the side and throw it in your neighbor's
living room.
3. Your neighbor will get angry and demand an explanation.
4. Blame it on big tobacco and say it's the "Truth."
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| November
27, 2000 |
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Everybody
thought Galileo was crazy when he said that light objects fall at
the same rate as heavy objects. Then that nut climbed the Leaning
Tower of Piza and dropped two objects of varying weight off the
edge. Was his theory supported? Nobody knows, but it did prove that
he was crazy.
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| November
26, 2000 |
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<HTML>
<head>
<title>Windex</title>
</head>
<body>
<panic>AAAAAHHH!!!!</panic>
<denial>I did NOT just drink Windex...</denial>
</body>
</HTML>
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| November
25, 2000 |
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Very
few history books actually have documented this rare unprecedented
event, but it happened. On July 23, 1987, for three minutes, the
state of New Hampshire vanished from the continental United States
and reappeared off the coast of Madagascar. The change was so subtle
that nobody noticed.
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| November
24, 2000 |
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Happy
Leftovers Day! Okay, enough with the amenities, it's time we got
a little serious. Far too many of you have been caught using pig
snouts and Elmer's Glue improperly. You know what I mean. If this
doesn't cease immediately, the Reality Syndicate will be forced
to take legal action. You have been warned.
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| November
23, 2000 |
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Happy
Thanksgiving, all! Today, we celbrate our ancestry's barbaric ritual
of slaughtering a defenseless bird and devouring it without remorse.
We also celebrate the rich history of Cranberry sauce throughout
the ages. Enjoy your feast!
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| November
22, 2000 |
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What
most board game enthusiasts don't know is that "Clue"
was originally based off of a murder in the Central Republic of
Ithuvania in which six variously colored and ironically named supects
were held captive in a mansion. Oh, and Monopoly was a Soviet Intelligence
model for capitalism.
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| November
21, 2000 |
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There
are plenty words to call a loving friend. Chum, buddy, pal, and
Jim are a few of my favorites. However, when it comes to enemies,
words such as poultry, danish, bucket, and Dave are more applicable.
Experiment and find out which words work best for you.
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| November
20, 2000 |
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Everybody
likes words that make you sound smart and sophisticated. Try using
these tweny five cent words in your daily speech!
Vernacular - An exotic fruit.
Plethora - A Shakespearean Tragedy.
Subtraction - Process of singling out friends for property
vandalism.
Now who's the scholarly lion?
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| November
19, 2000 |
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A
great man once said:
"You drink the orange juice because your stomach wants it."
That man was drunk at the time and in all respects he wasn't great
by any standard I've ever seen. Therefore, if the man isn't great,
truly the quote is deeply meaningful. Philosoriffic!
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| November
18, 2000 |
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Today
we dedicate the site to Jane. Jane who? That's a good question!
You see, I don't actually know anyone named Jane. Therefore, if
your name is Jane and you are reading this, perhaps today the site
is dedicated to you. Do you have a friend named Jane? Call her right
now and tell her there's a website dedicated to her!
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| November
17, 2000 |
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Let's
create a character named Ultraman. Ultraman is sent away from is
home world when it is destroyed and he lands on Krypton, Superman's
world, before it gets destroyed. To them he is an amazingly powerful
being. That in mind, imagine what would happen if Ultraman came
here? It'd be crazy!
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| November
16, 2000 |
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Silent
letters are the spies of the alphabet. In a word like "Kite",
a noun, the E is a secret operative for adjective intelligence.
You see, E's home is "Elderly" where he is pronounced
twice (he's the head of the household after all) and that's in the
country of Adjectivland, which is at war with Nounia.
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| November
15, 2000 |
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Armor
throughout history has been metal, heavy, and uncomfortable. I think
a good armor that would be comfortable would be clothes with a really,
really offensive smell. You'd wear a gas mask with it, and nobody
would come near you! Any clothes would do, too. It just depends
on what you soak them in.
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| November
14, 2000 |
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If
someone created an automated catapult, and that catapult launched
barrels of apples against a brick wall, and the apple splatterings
spelled out the word "Grapefruit," is it a minor coincidence,
or does the catapult prefer grapefruit to apples?
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| November
13, 2000 |
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People
design websites and they do poor jobs. Sometimes you get really
excited to see a part of a site, you click on the link that's supposed
to go there, and you get a "PAGE NOT FOUND" message. Well,
here at the Syndicate, we're doing our part with our Tutorial
on How to Prevent Dead Links.
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| November
12, 2000 |
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Wisdom is overrated.
Stuff like those stupid scrolls they just found always reminds me
of that. I'll take dumbness any day! Absence is bliss, or being
ignorant... or something like that. And a mind is a terrible thing
when it is wasted on somebody who is stupid. I think.
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| November
11, 2000 |
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If
the months of the year had a big fight, who'd win? We can rule out
February, being the smallest, but that leaves eleven more. I think
October would win. He's one of the biggest at 31 days and he's scary
because of Halloween. October would win hands down.
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| November
10, 2000 |
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Great
minds do really think alike, but not when it matters. Deciding on
war strategies, great minds fight to the death, but when it comes
to having two scoops of Rocky Road or a Cherry Cheesecake Smoothie,
great minds are usually on the same wavelength. When it comes to
the real world, idiots think alike.
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| November
9, 2000 |
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I'm
sick and tired of people naming their children after common condiments
just because it's the trend nowadays. I know far too many infants
named Ketchup, Mustard, or Relish. Please people, if you're expecting
a little bundle of joy, be original! Try some uncommon condiments,
such as Spray Cheese or Soy Sauce.
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| November
8, 2000 |
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It's
a crime that cartoon characters can't run for public office. I'm
not saying I support any particular animated personality, whether
I consider myself a Hannah Barberican or a Disneycrat, but I'd just
like to see a little spice added to this country's elections. C'mon
people! Take it to the streets!
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| November
7, 2000 |
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I
have a theory that Shakespeare had an ant farm. Each day he would
look inside and see ants moving around and make up stories about
them. He came up with funny names such as Mercutio and Leartes.
One day he published the some of his first stories.
Then
again, it's just a theory.
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| November
6, 2000 |
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I saw the movie
"Three Kings" today... That guy, Major Archie Gates... you know,
the squinty guy... He reminds me a lot of the captain, Billy, in
that Perfect Storm movie... Come to think of it, he seems to resemble
Batman too... I'm starting to think he's up to something... I even
saw him on TV the other day, posing as a doctor... what a sick,
sick individual.
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| November
5, 2000 |
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Want to confuse
your friends and make them think you're a dork? Okay! Just ask them
to think of how names of foods came to be. Example? Where did the
word "Almond" come from? How much do you want to bet that your friends
don't know, nor do they care?
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| November
4, 2000 |
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Some
people think living off of free samples by going from grocery store
to grocery store is a splendid idea. Well, think about all the gas
you would use, or how much food you'd burn up walking to each place.
Not a very bright idea anymore, is it?
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| November
3, 2000 |
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This
site is a great crossroads for peculiarly funny media. However,
underneath all that happiness lies a sad, twisted site of pain and
tears. I guess underneath that is a shifty, awkward, and apathetic
site. Then below that there's got to be some chocolate, or caramel,
or something.
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| November
2, 2000 |
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Groundhog
Day has got to be the only national holiday devoted solely to a
species of rodent. Personally, I think the squirrels and weasels
of this great nation are being left out. Write your Congressman!
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| November
1, 2000 |
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Captain
Hook wears a hook on one hand. What else might Captain Hook have
to attach there? I think he'd want all of the same extensions you
get with a vacuum cleaner, because Hook likes a clean pirate ship.
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