A Physics Lesson! Joy! By Jason Cross

A few days ago, a good friend of mine asked me a very interesting question:

FRIEND: "Hey, Jason, I have a question for you."
ME: "Well, I'm always ready to offer my sage advice in exchange for some Sunny D or Chow Mein noodles..."
FRIEND: "Oh, well, all I have is this POG from 1989 and this Starburst fruit candy."
ME: "What flavor is the Starburst?"
FRIEND: "Cherry."
ME: "Good enough. What is thy query, my son?"
FRIEND: "Well, I have to know for my Physics class what the shortest distance between two points is."
ME: "Why, that's an easy question!"
FRIEND: "I think it's a straight line. Is that right?"
ME: "Oh, no! It's so much more than that! Allow me to explain!..."
FRIEND: "Uh... well... I really should be going... uh..."
ME: "NONSENSE! Stay a while and listen! I'm glad you asked that question..."
FRIEND: "Awwh great, this is all I need..."

Yes, my creative mind was suddenly hit with a barrage of ideas and partial fragments of factual evidence! Here is a reproduction of the efficient and provocative explanation to the question:

As any ridiculously moronic human understands, the distance between two points can be defined any number of ways. There are many units of measurement which define length or distance, such as the mile, cento-meter, kilopound, gram, Newton, minute, degree, and googolplex. However, through extensive research and meticulous trial, I have come to the conclusion that the best unit of measurement is clearly the mole. Using Avogadro's number, which defines the mole, 6.02x10^23, we can determine that, since there are 6.02x10^23 numbers in a mole of distance, at any given time "t", that distance can be any point along a scale of values ranging from 0 to the number above.

With that in mind, we are able to derive a simple formula for the distance "d" at any given time "t":

Using that simple formula, we can determine the distance: The entire easy process is shown in the simple and self-explanatory graph to the right. Using the formula in combination with Eratosthenes' theory regarding the circumference of the earth, we are able to determine the exact distance between the USA and Germany, which is in this case a number of constant value. Using this distance, defined as "X2", in combination with the angle at which the sun strikes the flagpoles at both points A and B, at an angle perpendicularly bisecting r1, we can easily determine the location of the two points "y" and "z", which are defined as the reference points in regard to the earth's core and points A and B. Using the values of r1 and "x", the inner radius of the earth, the points "y1" and "z1" can be easily defined. These points act as a reference for the satellite orbiting in geosynchronous orbit at point C, which varies with time in reference to the spin of the earth along its natural axes. The satellite can triangluate the distances from the US to point B and from Germany to point A: This data is then fed into a computer at point y1, where it is processed to derive the values of r1 and r2. The answer at this point, of course, is more than evident. Obviously, the distance from point A to point B can be no other than 4; therefore, the shortest distance from A to B is 4!!!

Unfortunately, by the time I finished explaining the problem, my friend had run off somewhere. That poor fool - he probably failed his Physics test. Such is the world today.