Behind
the Scenes with Dr. S.
By Jason Cross |
 |
Recently
I was allowed the incredible honor and privelege to take a trip Behind
the Scenes with famed actor, researcher, and creepily stoic personality
Doctor Floyd H. Skletchinheister on the site of his latest production,
the all new educational science series entitled "Doctor Floyd's
Incredible World of Science!" Unfortunately, I was unable
to bring back with me any pictures from within his private laboratory,
which he guards like a crazed gorilla.
I was
fortunate enough to even be allowed access to Doctor S.'s private movie-star
trailer, in which he practices his lines and experiments. I was even
treated to a special, exclusive experiment preview, to which
I am the only living witness! But I am getting ahead of myself - many
of you may wonder about the history of Doctor S: let me begin the story
at the beginning...
Doctor
Floyd's childhood was brief, so much so that some say it was practically
nonexistent. Born, in a strange twist of irony, in a test-tube, Doctor
Floyd revised and improved Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity by
the tender age of two, scoffing condescendingly at the "old man's
lack of intuition" between naps.
By the
time Doctor Floyd (simply called "Doc" back then) was
old enough for school, he had in his possession three Nobel Peace Prizes,
two certificates of merit signed by the President, and many colorful drawings
and paintings fastened magnetically to his laboratory's refrigeration
unit.
I asked
Doctor Floyd about his frame of mind during this period in his life. He
had this to say:
| Jason
Cross: |
I know you
were, to say the least, a bit... different from other children
at a young age...
|
| Doctor
S: |
Yes, I suppose
you could say that, if you were inclined to say such a thing.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
...right.
Well, what would you say were your thoughts, or your frame of
mind at that time in your life?
|
| Doctor
S: |
Well, to
be quite honest, I didn't have much of a personality. I know
this may be surprising, but I actually used to be quite a cold
and sterile person.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
...oh yes,
that's... that's quite shocking. Yes, startling, really. Yes...
|
| Doctor
S: |
Aside from
my ingenious and incredibly advanced experimental mind, I had
little consciousness to speak of. I lived in a science-based,
hallucinogenic haze of sorts. I'm sure you understand.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Oh, of course
I do. I myself find that sometimes I... uh... right, well, let's
move on, shall we?
|
| Doctor
S: |
If we must.
|
By his
twelfth birthday, Doctor Floyd had grown tired of his mundane lifestyle.
He felt his "massive intellect" needed expanding, so
he turned over a new leaf and used that leaf to move forward, forward
through the chessboard of life, diagonally toward the future. The future
of new leaves and, indeed, a new life.
| Jason
Cross: |
So, at the
age of twelve, you decided to take a new path with your life.
To forge new territory, to make way for generations to follow
in your footst-
|
| Doctor
S: |
Please, your
metaphors confuse and infuriate me.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Oh, sorry...
uh, what is it you did at the age of twelve?
|
| Doctor
S: |
I had become
bored with my life at the laboratory I worked at for my pre-adolescent
life. Rather than seek work at another laboratory, I decided to
begin my own practice in hopes of never again working under anyone
of lesser intelligence.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Ha ha, yes,
it certainly is frustrating to know more than your boss, eh? Heh,
I'm just kidding, ol' buddy.
|
| Doctor
S: |
Yes, of course
you are. Where was I?
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Starting a
new lab, I think. You were saying something about-
|
| Doctor
S: |
Quiet. Yes,
I began construction on a new laboratory, one that I could single-handedly
utilize for the production and maintenance of a series of ongoing
experiments, the likes of which humankind has never witnessed
before.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
...
|
| Doctor
S: |
You may speak
now.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Thank you.
Are these the same sort of experiments we'll be taking a look
at later today?
|
| Doctor
S: |
They are one
and the same.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Incredible!!!
|
| Doctor
S: |
Yes, for all
you know, it is.
|
The construction
of Doctor S's new laboratory went smoothly, costing only a few billion
dollars and the deaths of three robotic slaves. On the day of the opening,
Doctor Floyd ceremonially christened the new establishment by breaking
a vial of sulfuric acid on its front door and grumbling angrily to himself.
To his credit, he has been working in the same dark, musty corridors to
this very day.
| Jason
Cross: |
Do you ever
regret having worked at your special laboratory for the vast majority
of your life?
|
| Doctor
S: |
Regret is a
sensation experienced by only weak and emotional people. I am
neither.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
I understand.
But don't you ever wonder what it would be like to-
|
| Doctor
S: |
No. Never.
Next question.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
...alright...
uh, how many people work under you in your laboratory?
|
| Doctor
S: |
Nobody works
under me. The entire establishment is one vast underground floor.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
No, I mean,
under you as in the Corporate Ladder, you know, that sort of thing.
|
| Doctor
S: |
There are no
ladders in my facility, nor is there any need for them. It consists
of only one floor, and even if vertical travel were necessary,
it would surely be implemented in the form of some mechanical
elevator rather than a primitive ladder.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
...okay, nevermind.
|
| Doctor
S: |
Trust me, I
don't.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
...um, so,
has anything else interesting happened in your life? At all?
|
| Doctor
S: |
Absolutely
nothing of consequence or worthy of documentation that has not
already been recorded.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Wow, that's
depressing.
|
| Doctor
S: |
I'm sure it
is, for one of your mental stature.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Maybe you should
just show me your experiment.
|
| Doctor
S: |
Very well,
to the laboratory!
|
As I am
unable to show any images of the experiment (I took many photos, but Doctor
S. stole my camera and smashed it in a red-faced rage), I can provide
you, my dear readers, only with this running transcript of the experiment.
I leave you with this final thought: Science is a formidable tool, and
can even be utilized as a weapon. This is extremely cool, and should be
taught to adults and children alike. And now, the moment you've all been
waiting for, the transcript of the secret experiment.
|
PLEASE
NOTE: CERTAIN WORDS HAVE BEEN EDITED FROM THIS TRANSCRIPT TO PROTECT
THE PRIVACY AND CREEPY ANAL RETENTIVENESS OF DOCTOR S.'S SECRET
LABORATORY UNTIL THE FULL RELEASE OF HIS FILM, "DOCTOR FLOYD'S
INCREDIBLE WORLD OF SCIENCE!" THANK YOU FOR YOUR FORCED AND
UNWILLING COOPERATION.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
I am here with
Doctor Floyd in a massive room, full of machinery. It appears
to be some kind of control room, there are lots of levers, and
those big electric towers that shoot lightning all over the place...
to my left is a table, filled with-
|
| Doctor
S: |
Stop describing
the room, I took away your camera for a reason. This is a secret
laboratory.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Aww, come on,
this is so cool, everyone should be able to-
|
| Doctor
S: |
They'll see
it when my film comes out. Now, enough with the literature, come
over here and I'll show you my latest experiment.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Okay, okay.
Hey, what's this, a  ?
|
| Doctor
S: |
No, that's
not a ,
you dolt. It's clearly a .
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Wow, that sounds
impressive.
|
| Doctor
S: |
It certainly
is. Now, observe the nature of this .
In its current state, the receptor tip is filled with ,
as you can plainly see. But watch as I add some ...
|
| Jason
Cross: |
...some what?
|
| Doctor
S: |
.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
...oh, right.
That. Um, what's happening, I don't see anything strange...
|
| Doctor
S: |
Nothing should
happen yet. We have to wait a few seconds... there, see? The
just moved!
|
| Jason
Cross: |
I barely saw
it. Did it move? I can't really... AIIIEEEAAGHGHHHH!!!!
|
| Doctor
S: |
Hmm, that's
not supposed to happen.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Put it out!
Put it out! Oh, it burns!!!
|
| Doctor
S: |
I'll just pour
some
over your face to neutralize that burn and put out the
fire.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
Wow - that's
the last time I ever touch any ,
I can tell you that much!
|
| Doctor
S: |
I'm willing
to bet that you have no idea what it is in the first place.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
...yes, yes,
that's quite true. Well, thank you very much, Doctor Floyd, for
this fine presentation. This is a scar I will wear with pride.
|
| Doctor
S: |
How very touching.
Excuse me.
|
| Jason
Cross: |
I see Doctor
Floyd has more important business to attend to - stay tuned for
more info on Doctor S's new film, hopefully with some pictures
next time. Goodbye for now!
|
|
Jason
Cross is a regular writer for the Reality Syndicate. This small
paragraph is designed to make his presence seem more professional.
Unfortunately, it is unsuccessful, so it will end now.
|
|
