Senator Joseph McCarthy's Ghost Announces Presidential Campaign By Jason Cross

The world of politics was shaken to a slightly greater extent than usual yesterday when the ghost of former Senator Joseph McCarthy, infamous for his association with what some call the 'Communist Witch Hunts' (despite a total lack of involvement of witches of any kind), announced his intent to run for the office of President in the coming 2004 election.

"We, the people of America, need a new leader - one who can bring this great country of ours into an era of peace, happiness, and prosperity for those whom I deem deserving of it," McCarthy stated at a press conference yesterday, his voice echoing supernaturally, "and it is with this in mind that I intend to run for President of the United States." The former Senator then rattled his ethereal chains and groaned eerily to the cheers of a steadily-growing audience.

"We will lead this nation into a new age," McCarthy shouted triumphantly, his voice wavering, "Uuuurrrrggggghhhh!"

The public reaction to Senator McCarthy's announcement has been mixed. Bill Midland Jr. of Crawford, Texas, had this to say: "Ah, shoot, now I don't know who to vote for. On the one hand, we got good ol' Dubya, and I know he's doing a good job of making sure no evildoers get into this country. But McCarthy would get rid of anyone not American enough - it's going to be a tough choice."

"You know, there used to be two sure things in life - death and taxes," mused a typically-jovial Jay Leno on last night's Tonight Show, while holding up a picture of the former Senator. "Well, one out of two ain't bad," he quipped merrily, bobbing his chin comically about while his audience burst into laughter.

Reality Syndicate Fun Facts*

McCarthy's "Newer Plan" Senator McCarthy has promised to make the following changes if he is elected President: Any citizen not sporting at least one American flag in plain vision to be stopped and thoroughly inspected before boarding any plane, bus, automobile, or sidewalk All living ghosts to be exempt from taxation, criminal prosecution "Hyperbole Education" plan to teach children ages 3-6 phrases such as "Terrorist Evildoers" and "Bloodsucking Liberals" for use in every-day life Messy "Freedom of Speech" to be replaced with more convenient, efficient "Totalitarian Censorship" amendment

*Facts may not actually be fun.

Senator Joseph Lieberman spoke for the entire Democratic party: "Well, we were all against him running on a Democratic platform, as he's clearly a staunch Republican, but unfortunately the rules simply don't apply to ethereal projections of former mortals. So we had to welcome him into the Democratic debates, against our will. Frankly, we don't really know what to do about him - he's a terrifying specter of intangible energy, and his horrific parody of a human form serves only to remind us of our own impending, terrifying mortality."

Even Darren Jeter, Senator McCarthy's campaign manager, has expressed his doubts about the ghostly candidate. He spoke to the Reality Syndicate on condition of anonymity regarding Senator McCarthy's advertising techniques. According to Mr. Jeter, who makes his home on Maple Street of Cincinatti, Ohio, he grew concerned when after several weeks of campaigning, the Senator still had not come up with a catchy phrase to sum up his campaign. "After all this time, sir, have you no campaign slogan?", he asked McCarthy, in response to which the Senator reportedly grew quiet and gazed shamefully at the floor.

When questioned about his decision to join the Democratic party, McCarthy's wispy form had this to say: "My time on this corporeal realm is limited, so I couldn't wait until a Democrat held the office. It seems I was able to bend the rules a little. But one thing remains unchanged: these people are not Republicans, my friends - they don't understand being treated like Republicans."

Expected to join the campaign later this month are the memories of Nixon and a group of anonymous Latin-American meat-packing glitterati.

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