Keeping the Workplace Clean By Chris Clark

Do you work in a place where cleanliness has a policy behind it? Chances are, if you work anywhere that gives you a valid paycheck, this is the case. Employees must wash hands after handling this... Employees must wash hands after handling that... Some people think they have to abide by some strange sanitation rules.

We here at the Syndicate wanted to know exactly how obscure these rules can be. Searching through countless workplace sanitation government documents, along with a little exploration in the working world, we came up with a list of a few of the more strange things that employees must was their hands after handling.

	Bacon Grease and Skim Milk The combination of these two substances is one that may be common in a breakfast environment, so please read carefully. Certain brands of skim milk making contact with certain brands of bacon grease can produce a highly volatile compound capable of leveling a city block when sawdust is added to the mix. Without sawdust, however, the compound can melt straight through stainless steel in a matter of weeks. Therefore, in many diners and bed and breakfasts (the plural of breakfast sure isn't a friendly word) require safety in this area.
	Dynamite and Dynamite Accessories If it explodes, chances are it's not good to have it around electronics. Though few electronics stores (such as computer or record stores) actually keep dynamite in stock, some do due to their key demographic. If it sells, it's stocked. If you find yourself working in such a place, try to stick to one section of the store at a time or you may find yourself washing your hands countless times a day!
	Plutonium The radioactivity that plutonium carries with it seems like it would cause problems in the workplace, but really it's the glowing greenness. That glowing stuff, whatever science says it is, will make your pizza taste like bleach. At a few restaurants in this country that offer plutonium flavored beverages, cleanliness and ingredient separation is vital to ensuring yummy food.
	"Employees Must Wash Hands" Signs Some folks in the work force have the lucky job of mounting these signs all over the country. The drawback to this glamorous grind is the unfortunate fact that such signs are ironically coated in flesh eating bacteria to prevent the color from running. Ordinary soap will clear up any infections, but why bacteria is needed to preserve the signs seems comically stupid. According to Employees Must Wash Hands Sign Company CEO Kim Hadley, "Get out of my office, and leave me alone." Not the explanation we were hoping for, but it serves its purpose.
	Fire This policy is a little dated, but is still around in the modern day workplace. Dating back to some of the most ancient civilizations, this policy is mainly for stores that sell raw elements. If a clerk in such a store handled some fire for a customer and then shelved some water without washing his hands in between, the residual fire on his hands could cause the water to evaporate. The policy is similar for water, earth, and air.
	Dignity Dignity, along with fame and horror, can usually be found at any 24 hour convenience store. In it's purest, greenest, slimiest form, however, dignity is murder on cotton/polyester blends. Washing after handling dignity is essential to keeping clothes, drapes, carpeting, and towels intact. Though your clothes may never be embarrassed again, if dignity is spilt on them they will quickly be reduced to nothing more than a few useless molecules. Be warned.

Hey, cleanliness is next to dogliness, as they say. It's also a well known fact that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's, so naturally we should aspire to meet the high standards of our canine friends. Though these policies listed here are about as strange as they come, I suppose they are necessary.

Consult your supervisor to see what policies you have in your work environment. If you are a supervisor, consult your congressman, I think. Yeah, and if you are a congressman, just ask the president. In the unlikely event that you are the president, get back to work.

-Chris Clark