The New Cold War By Chris Clark

Ice cream. It's delicious, comes in a variety of flavors, and is at the top of the world list of endangered food species.

- The War, Inside and Out -

For some years now a new Cold War has been raging with our endeared chilled dessert at its forefront. Ice cream shortages worldwide have sent sweet-hungry city-states into mad hoarding frenzies. Neighboring cities experiencing the worst of the shortages (mainly in more impoverished countries) have resorted to violence, conspiracy, and childish name-calling.

In the previous six months, several countries have employed military force to help curb such behavior with only limited success. Countries with a sizable defense budgets such as the United States, Denmark, and Madagascar have implemented preliminary foreign aid programs to help struggling neighbors. For the most part the rising threat is under control, though in regions that are already particularly war-torn, the situation seems to worsen by the day. As the Northern Hemisphere nears the warmer weeks of summer, experts in the field of ice cream related political analysis predict an explosion of dessert-oriented war.

- How it All Began -

How did this new Cold War come about? This question, asked the world over by those few actually aware of the problem, can by answered by focusing on Berkley, California circa 1962. A research grant was provided to a branch of the engineers to develop "Global Warming," a relatively recent invention of NASA scientists designed to gradually increase the Earth's average temperatures until all life was destroyed. According to Berkley and NASA spokespersons, the project had little merit in retrospect.

With Global Warming fully active (through the use of a complex array of coat hangers, crumpled tin foil squares, and greenhouse gasses), the heat was rising. Ice cream consumption and average temperature are very closely related, causing a slow but extreme rise in consumption of the dessert. In the early nineties, however, the world experienced "peak ice-cream," a concept oft ignored by big ice cream corporations but an inevitable reality all the same. Basically, the supply of cheap, easy to produce ice cream peaked sometime near late 1993 and as a result ice cream will continue to rise in price at a startling rate until it runs out (as seen in three decades of projection into the future). This shift in the availability and affordability of the coveted natural resource has sparked the infant war. The cryptic inclusion of helium consumption in the graph is something our graphics department thought was pertinent information, though speaking in a high and funny voice as a substitute for a refreshing treat on a hot day seems like a long shot.

This Newsweek-style graphic complete with inset summary question will have no in-depth description in this article. Sorry, but look at it closely. Italy doesn't have a speck of Gelato preference, all of North America seems to love smoothies more than anything else, and if that's not enough, look at Greenland. I mean, since when does Greenland have enough people to be that diversified? Somebody just made this thing up. Still, it does look rather impressive and insightful.

- On the Home Front -

Away from the front lines of this brutal ice cream skirmish, different people are responding in different ways. In the United States and much of Europe, volunteer organizations such as Peacework and Amnesty International have set up ice cream aid stations throughout heavily populated areas. Running solely off donations, such groups can only provide the chocolate/vanilla/strawberry varieties of ice cream to the growing public need. More exotic flavors are available for a price, however. "I'm hoping by the time June rolls around we'll have plenty of Rocket Pops and Choco Tacos to hand out," said spokesman from Amnesty International Brian Wimbish, "because people get mighty sick of that Neapolitan stuff pretty fast."

Surprisingly, several countries devoid of any ice cream production companies seem to have sprouted businesses overnight. Mongolia, for example, has started outputting a curious new type of frozen yogurt known as "Butter Pekahn Frozen Milk Meal." The strange concoction of yak's milk, wild Mongolian pecans, and parsley has many ice cream consumers hesitantly sampling only to react with a confused half-grimace and a muttering of "it's not bad..."

- What to Do in the Years to Come -

As the ice cream war escalates, remember to stay safe. Here's a list of helpful tips to aid in not becoming a casualty of this nightmarish apocalypse that is about the befall us.

• If the ice cream you buy has warning on it from the Syrian Surgeon General, don't eat it.
• Never share spoons. Sharing spoons can lead to orally transmitted disease, or worse, spoon theft.
• Don't be fooled by imitation ice cream. If some ice cream up for sale on the street is transparent, moving, or highly flammable, keep moving.
• If you're not particularly a fan of ice cream, invest all of your savings in it right now along with a large freezer for storage. After the nuclear carnage subsides, and if you're still alive, use your massive hoarding of ice cream to rule over the post-apocalyptic Mad Max style future with an iron fist.

May heaven help us all.

-Chris Clark