DoomBot Joins Syndicate Ranks By Jason Cross

Contact with otherworldly beings has never been a rare occurrence here at the Syndicate, especially when you consider our good friend and colleague, the indomitable Blorflax. Since his arrival so long ago, Blorflax has been a living, breathing, twitching dispenser of invaluable advice and wacky hilarity, featuring a stylish blue jumpsuit and an intriguing optical nerve network which apparently allows him to look in two directions at once. Miraculously, despite Blorflax's alien appearance and even more alien customs, he is quite well-spoken: No Syndicate fan or hate mail advocate has ever had any trouble understanding every word his tiny green mandibles have uttered. In fact, Blorflax has been nominated for several Most Well-Spoken Extraterrestrial Awards, though he was beaten out by that lovable, fuzzy mascot (or 'sell-out', as Blorflax refers to him), ALF.

Recent developments in the Syndicate's intricate corporate structure may put an end to the pristine alien-comprehension record about which this wonderful site currently boasts, however. Ladies and gentlemen, Syndicate fans of all ages, meet DoomBot, the newest addition to the Syndicate's workforce.

When you first glance at DoomBot, a few things may strike you as odd about him. For example, he has somewhat crooked posture, he possesses no hair, and he happens to be a clanking, metallic, spider-like juggernaut of seething doom sent from the very bowels of an evil forge deep in space. Not only that, but he demands that we type his name in boldface, red text every time it comes up. Well, actually, he demands that we "Kind my name in make of big letter each times, which you write to my name. Also my name in make of color reds." And herein lies the problem.

See, DoomBot has a built-in translation device designed to effectively explain to each of his victims, in clear language, the sort of horrific destruction to which they will soon be exposed. Apparently, on his way to Earth, DoomBot's translation device was slightly damaged, rendering his speech only barely comprehensible and entirely hilarious.

Two local farmers gaze in amusement at DoomBot's failed attempt at intimidation.

As you can of course imagine, this setback made it difficult, nigh impossible, for poor DoomBot to strike fear into the hearts of his would-be victims. His awe-inspiring arrival on Earth was reduced to a ridiculously comical level when he blasted the message "Prepares to meets you the doom, dirt-plus persons as the insect!" Several farmers and cattle were literally incapacitated with hysterical laughter, rolling back and forth on the ground while DoomBot watched with a puzzled expression, attempting unsuccessfully to frighten them by flailing his claws and shooting columns of lightning into nearby trees. According to one chuckling local farmer, "When I saw a ball of smoke and flames plummeting toward my crops, I thought maybe it were another one o' them UFO's. But when I heard that thing talk, I couldn't help but laugh."

Crushed by the ineffectiveness of his first attempt, DoomBot sought out other victims, in other cities. Unfortunately for him, however, he was completely unable to frighten anyone with his ridiculous speech patterns. Finally, rusted and destitute, DoomBot stumbled into the Syndicate offices, hoping to terrify at least one human before giving up altogether. Rather than frighten and horrify Syndicate staffers, however, DoomBot managed to capture their hearts with his hilarious vocabulary and comical thrashing. We immediately offered him a job as a Guest Columnist, which he accepted, realising he needed to earn some cash in order to return to his home planet. So, without further delay, I present DoomBot, giving his introductory speech, which I will attempt to translate.

 

Humans! I the space where it exceeds the star where you are bright from have come, long long method and travelling out to directly empty you of the satellite which shines! Umm... okay, here's the translation. "Humans! I... came from far away in space, a long way, past your stars and shiny satellites..." or something like that. Once to first I comes with the messages of violent and destruction! My true work of this planet now as for me has known that it is one of vomiting language and communication, for plus peace it makes me doing so. Hmm... "At first, I came here with a message of violence and destruction... My purpose now is to talk (?) and communicate, for peace." Made me sad I am by my not able to frighten it effectively, however I am educated lucky stripes by my new opportunity as Syndicate guest column lists. ..."I was saddened by being unable to frighten you effectively, however I am privileged to be provided this opportunity as a Syndicate Guest Columnist." Either warned, however, that all the attempt to destroys me will be found with full force, and I annihilate its planet puny if I will be set fire on fire job burns always! ..."Be warned, however, that any attempt to destroy me will be met with full force, and I will annihilate this puny planet if I am fired (?) ever." My making sorries for the talk in such dignity manners. I to not having much experiences with language English of which speaks us. Twice in past augmented cobra makes to me confuse while throwing ashes my faces do! Funny is that stories. I am make laugh your stomach? ..."I am sorry for my poor manner of speech. I do not have much experience with the English language..." Um, something about a cobra, and ashes... I have no clue... "That story is funny. Does it make you laugh?" My am time indicator telling me must we depart! Next weeks tells my employer I am making more talk with dignity translator. I am watching at forward for this opportunities. Forgiving me for his talking badly at this hour. I walk into door of exiting now! ..."My time indicator is telling me it is time to go. Next week my boss tells me I will be speaking again with this translator. I look forward to this opportunity. Forgive me for my poor speech. I am now leaving."

We'll have more from the incomprehensible DoomBot soon - until then, watch the skies... and so forth...

-Jason Cross