Easter Tuesday? By Chris Clark

Easter Tuesday? No, Easter always lands on Sunday.

Until now.

Yes, the shocking news hit the news stands this week as chronologists and calendar companies discovered that Easter of 2004 is in fact to land on a Tuesday. April 13th, to be exact.

The discovery was made as the 2003 Easter season recently drew to a close. Chronologists at the Texas Institute of Scheduling and Time worked into the night as usual over the complicated Easter algorithm, or Easterithm as some jokingly refer to it. This algorithm has been used for centuries to calculate which day of the following year will be graced with the Easter holiday. "It's quite an involved process," said TIST Chief Chronologist Michael Walters. "We start around nine in the morning on Easter Sunday and usually get done around eight at night. A lot of expensive machinery goes into the process, and the bill is usually about $15,000 in resources and man power."

The Easter algorithm, shown here, is a complex conglomerate of differential calculus, lunar/terrestrial cycle statistics, topography, and scripture. Just as the period of the Earth's orbit around the sun has been made more specific over the centuries with the advances of science (leading to leap years and leap centuries), the Easter Algorithm has seen its share of polishing. From one simple equation born in 33 AD (Today = Easter), one of math's greatest and most challenging riddles is annually processed by a publicly funded institute. Until now, Easters were always Sunday events, but basic probability has proven 2004 to be an exception.

The discovery of Easter landing on a Tuesday in 2004 flabbergasted the veteran scientists. "I've been a here for eighteen Easters," Scheduling Technologist Daniel Hague said, "and it's always been a Sunday. I blame the interns, all they do is screw things up. Now how am I getting out of mass next year?" The team double checked figures into the early hours of Monday morning, only confirming and reconfirming the news. The call to the National Bureau of When Stuff Happens was reluctantly made at 7:35 AM Monday, central standard time. At that point, the news was nationwide.

Perhaps the individual most greatly affected by the news was the Easter Bunny. Known for delighting prepubescent children on March and April Sundays for the past several decades, the Easter Bunny's strict schedule will be adversely affected by a Tuesday Easter. "I don't like it," the Easter Bunny remarked. "In fact, I hate it. Malls are always closed on Sunday so I can spend time with my wife and 638 kids. I may be the face of Easter, but even Santa sleeps in on Christmas morning!"

Officials from Icon Management International, a management corporation specializing in holiday icons, have already set in motion a team of analysts to exempt 2004 from mathematics and simply have Easter on the previous or following Sunday. The by-the-book attitude for accuracy put forth by the National Bureau of When Stuff Happens could make some waves, however. "You don't just rewrite a calendar," said Lynn Arcombs, Operating Vice President at the NBWSH. "We can't decide to just change time around. If Easter's to be on a Tuesday, let it happen on a Tuesday. The best we can do is grit our teeth, get through it, and hope that Easter '05 is on a Sunday, or at best, a Saturday or Friday."

The debate remains open, but as of now calendar companies are printing 2004 calendars with a Tuesday Easter. While some bodies oppose it (the Easter Bunny and con Management International, predominantly), some back it without question, while still others, such as the Texas Institute of Scheduling and Time, dump massive amounts of funding into reevaluating the entire Easter Algorithm. Retails stores and outlets are preparing to stay open and houses of faith and worship are preparing to hold lunch-break services. However, until a conclusion is reached and all members of church, state, and everything in between come to a consensus, be prepared to wake up, dye some eggs, eat some chocolate, and head off to work.

-Chris Clark