Where
Have All the Europeans Gone?
By Chris Clark |
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In a small
Fishing Shed on a Frozen Lake in the Canadian Wilderness, for years Europeans
flourished. In 1979, however, the number of Europeans mysteriously dropped
sharply. Non-Europeans who lived in or around this fishing shed couldn't
explain the sudden drop. For twenty two years this mystery had gone unsolved.
And
then the Syndicate stepped in. We have employed all of our mystery-solving
skills in discovering the reason behind this Euro-Disappearance. Here's
what we came up with.
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The
Subject - Pete Hugen
Pictured
here is Pete Hugen. In the fishing shed in question, Pete,
being Norwegian, was the only European for many years. When
he left, the total number of Europeans present dropped almost
to zero (not quite as we will investigate later).
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The
Numbers
Upon
further investigation we put together this graph depicting
the quantity of Europeans in the fishing shack over time.
Since 1973, the year Pete showed up after driving all the
way from Montreal, the number rose to one European.
In 1976,
there was a surge in the number of Europeans present. Those
who had been around back then to this day refer to it as
the "European Flood." However, as we can plainly
see, in 1979 Pete vanished, and the number of present Europeans
dropped to a mere 1/4. Apparently Joe, Pete's friend, got
a new dog who's grandfather was European. Was the dog responsible
for Pete's disappearance?
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The
Possible Explanation
Pete
was never found to this day, at least not by us. Some say
we never found him because we limited our search to the
space beneath the couch cushions in Jason Cross's apartment.
Those people are skeptics!
After
much research using the "Internet," we came to
the conclusion that most Europeans can actually be found
in Europe. This shocking fact was hastily applied as the
answer we had been looking for.
In summation,
Europe can be referred to as the "Black Hole"
continent. It is supposedly notorious for stealing Europeans
from countries the world around and reclaiming them as its
own.
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Once our findings were,
um... found, we contacted the men from the fishing shack outside of Winnipeg.
According to them, Pete returned in 1980. He had taken a job at a gas
station in the city, only to grow weary of it and return after about a
year.
So let this be a
lesson! Always
extend your graphs one year more. Had we extended our graph to 1980, we
would have seen Pete return and promptly discontinued our pointless search.
And to think... The
tax dollars use to fund this investigation could have been allotted to
clean up the litter around Rural Route 12 in Northern Montana. Oh well.
-Chris Clark
( Click
here to email the author! )
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