Cowardly New World By Chris Clark

In elementary school, or primary school for you folks across the pond, we're all taught about explorers at some point. Magellan, Columbus, Ericson, and even the lesser knowns such as Burgess, Solanski, and Mondale are a part of the curriculum. These are the men and women who braved the unknown and thrust themselves headlong into a mysterious wilderness to further the understanding of our planet.

Exploring our Earth began thousands of years ago and grew into something of a sport between nations. During the maturation of civilization itself, many countries set sail to explore our world. Here's a breakdown of some of the key players:

- SPAIN -		- BRITAIN -		- ANTARCTICA -
The Spaniards began their exploring in the late 1400's. Launching from their European port, the grand Spanish Galleons wandered aimlessly about the oceans, often tracing silly paths abound with pointless twists and turns. Spaniards typically resorted to shoving and childish name-calling when coming in contact with natives, damaging their global popularity. Their most famous explorer was Christopher Columbus whose claim to fame is that of inventing North America.		The British began exploring the seas roughly the same time as their Spanish neighbors due to a friendly bet between kings and much deep seeded jealousy. However, due to a shortage of fossil fuels, British ships were forced to take direct routes at all times, resulting in straight lines, sharp angles, and no side trips for scenery. The British managed to establish governmental powers in every newly discovered locale, much to the delight of disorganized natives.		A lesser known power in the age of discovery was the Antarctican Snow People. Setting sail from capitol Antarcticaville on barges made of ice, these explorers typically drowned upon entering warm waters. A few notable discoveries were made however, including the Strait of Magellan (named for it's Antarctican discoverer) and the entire Antarctican coastline. One barge curiously survived the long journey all the way to the Arctic ocean, but its crew was devoured by polar bears.

But that was many years ago. Today, what's left to explore? Pretty much the entire Earth has been mapped, and most avid young explorers can't find many places without somebody's footprints already on the ground. There are no vast reaches of land yet to be found, save the depths of some rainforests and the middles of some oceans. Who cares about those places though? We already know they're filled with either trees or water (or both). Today's explorers are born and raised in the suburbs and they want to discover parts of their continent that have yet to be found. Unfortunately for them, as shown in the graphic at left, the only spots left to be explored in America are concentrated in central Wyoming, and they're simply unexplored due to lack of human interest.

Some choose not to give up, though. Take, for example, Bert Nielson and Paul Rau, co-presidents of the Modern Explorers Union of Oregon, or MEUO. "We basically love exploring," says Nielson, 52, "and we've come to the conclusion that if it's already been explored, so be it." The group gathers once a month to 'explore' a selected area near the organization headquarters in Nielson's basement in Hazelwood, OR. Boasting a roster of nine members, individuals belonging to MEUO proudly wear an 'official' explorer's nametag while at meetings. "We have these cool nametags. That was Bert's idea," says Rau. "Our name is also kinda swell, since it's the same sound a cat makes, sort of."

Although the members of MEUO limit their expeditions to the immediate surrounding area and number in the single digits, the thirst for exploring is noticeable everywhere in pop culture. Widely known cartoonish explorers are some of the nation's most loved characters, including Spaceman Spiff, a Bill Watterson creation, Invader Zim, a Johnen Vasquez brainchild, and the immortally popular Cap'n Crunch of The Quaker Oats Company®. Exciting children and adults alike, these intrepid incarnations serve to quench the explorer's thirst of countless fans.

Thus, despite a world with little land yet left unfound, there will always be a place for the old fashioned explorer. As either a cartoonish figure with distorted features and catch phrases or a resident of an Oregon suburb, there's always exploring to be done.

-Chris Clark