Put On A Happy Face By Chris Clark

Living in a society where appearance is everything, personal alteration is a growing trend. It used to be that only the richest of the rich could afford even the most basic cosmetic surgery, though in today's socioeconomic community a cornucopia of procedures is within the reach of anyone with a wad of cash or some very liberal health insurance. From skin pigmentation to excessive piercings to enlarging whole sections of the head and body, the sky's the limit for these bizarre procedures. The names applied to such operations are as long and unpronounceable as they are expensive. Pictured here are some examples of just what this horrific surgery can do. Belinda Welton, pictured left, underwent a triple pigmentation coupled with a mouth-enlarging procedure. Pictured right is trial attorney James Westhouse, who felt he needed less hair, more piercings, and some shades to keep "in touch" with his youthful clientele. These people, as well as many others like them, are average workaday joes that have had their lives enriched by shelling out a few thousand dollars to have a surgeon hack away at them.

But how exactly are these operations performed? Are they safe? If you're considering looking like these people but would rather avoid detonating a pipe bomb in front of your face or soaking your head in latex paint, perhaps surgery is the option you've been waiting for. I spoke with Dr. Ted Kinster, 32, chief practitioner of cosmetic surgery at the U-Save Medical Facility in Newark, NJ. Dr. Kinster was only recently promoted to chief practitioner but carries over three years of surgical experience under his belt. Here's what he had to say about how these procedures are conducted.

"Radical plastic surgery isn't for everyone. At the U-Save Medical Facility, we typically see people ranging from moderately well-off to stinking poor. I'm talking the kind of poor where, since you can't afford bath water or body wash, you really stink."

"The process begins by getting a three dimensional digital model of the patient's head. We typically use Dr. Jacobsen's iMac and digital camera for this part. Once the head is rendered in three dimensions on the computer, we trace a grid all over it as shown. The grid helps us lay out where certain alterations go... A gaping hole in section A-5 or a spike through section D-19, for example. We then create on the computer what we will later create for the patient. We've done strange things, ranging from filling grid squares with tic-tac-toe games to playing a spherical game of battleship. It's a lot more fun playing with the grid heads on the computer than playing solitaire or minesweeper, which used to take up most of the day. We also drink pretty heavily to pass the time."

Dr. Kinster, shown left, is also a success story of his own practice. A true lover of Goldie Hawn films, Dr. Kinster wanted to be more like the aging actress a few years back and in the fall of 1999 underwent a ribcage piercing. The procedure involved several shop tools such as a jigsaw and a wet-dry vacuum, and the projected cost was around $63.00. As Dr. Kinster told us, 'his buddies at U-Save did it for cheap since he worked there.'

So is this surgery for you? Are you prepared to sacrifice your health and/or the stability and structure of your body for appearance? Several clinics similar to the U-Save Medical Facility exist all around the country and are ready and willing to provide pamphlets geared to help you answer these questions (with a "yes"). Check your local directories to find a location near you, and happy physical disfigurement!

-Chris Clark