Fragonomics!
By Chris Clark |
 |
Part III - Law Enforcement
Raise
your hand if you are sick and tired of the confusing law enforcement setup
in this country. Look around you. Are you the only one with your hand
raised? As you're probably the only one reading this article in the room,
or the only one in the room period, chances are good that you are sitting
by yourself with your hand in the air. Moron.
Anyway,
our Fragonomics experts have recently tackled the law enforcement protocol
of this nation and conceived a new system to streamline the process.
It
all begins with singling out areas with higher crime rates and supplying
them with extra support. Our studies and assumptions led us to the diagram
at below.
| Low Crime
(foreign countries, they're out of our hands anyway) |
| Moderate Crime
(oceans and lakes always have a robbery here or a murder there) |
| Average Crime
(the greater part of the US) |
| Incredibly
High Crime (Colorado and Tennessee) |
As you can see, Colorado
and Tennessee are in desperate need for a national boost to their crime
prevention force. Enter Fragonomics! Now we realize that policeman are
not that easy to come by, and for states with such staggering crime rates,
alternatives must be found. So, in addition to local police forces, states
will be divided into no more than three sections and each section will
obtain a "Section Squad."
 Section
Squads will be composed of groups of people from one chosen profession
that will be forced to volunteer their services. Not just any profession
will do, either. Jobs that strike fear into the hearts of many will be
prioritized. As we can see in the expanded map of Colorado, the North
West has an army of Circus Clowns at their disposal, and the South East
commands the Accountants. The Central area of Denver isn't important enough
to worry about, so they get nothing. They have the Denver Broncos anyway,
and they're plenty tough.
States that are a little
more under control can choose from their own work force groupings. The
possibilities are endless, from Bakers to Pet Groomers. Now those are
some fearsome folks right there.
 As
for national security, the FBI will be put in charge of the nation's laundry
concern (detergent consumption, dryer engineering, etc.) while the Secretary
of State will be armed with a potato peeler and guard our nation from
anything and everything. We can sleep safe knowing that a single person
with a harmless kitchen utensil protects all two hundred million of us.
Now that our country
has a seamless line of defense from crime, both foreign and domestic,
we can all send money to the Fragonomics research and development team!
Just find any e-mail address here at the Syndicate and send us your credit
card numbers. Oh, I guess you can also tell us how much you'd like to
donate, as if it mattered.
Thank you!
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